Sanford Infidelity Expanding Our Understanding?

Governor Sanford's infidelity has certainly gotten a lot of attention, but what is all the outrage, shock, and finger pointing about really? If we're not Mrs. Sanford or one of their children, what's it to us?

As Byron Katie has pointed out, there are only three kinds of problems - - my problems, your problems, and God's problems; and two of those categories are not our business. If we are staying with our own business, it seems odd that on a personal level infidelity, cheating spouses, and adultery elicit anything other than sadness, discouragement, or confusion. People are human after all.

And yet people are angry. What is different about how react to it in people in leadership positions? Why are we angry when we hear about their cheating on their spouses? Why do we act as if they have done something to us similar to what they have done to those accepted their commitment?

A way of looking at it that struck a chord with me was expressed in the Daily Tar Heel newspaper at the University of North Carolina today that asserted that the core issue in infidelity is one of whether this person is able to place keeping a commitment above self interest or not. In the case of a public official we are concerned that they are able to manage their desires well enough to fulfill their commitments to all of us.

I like that. We put this person in a position of trust that does affect us and they have shown us that they aren't up to keeping that kind of promise.

Of course it doesn't even start to address how one is most likely to be successful at meeting that high, admirable, and ( I think ) appropriate standard given that we are (as previously mentioned just in case you had forgotten) . . . . human.

Apparently faith wasn't enough for Governor Sanford, though without questioning his sincerity, demonstrably he still fell short.

Of course no one knows, but at this point my suspicion is that our efforts to be good people and to try to deny and suppress those parts of ourselves that are capable of doing bad things is at the heart of the problem.

You can find more consideration of this and related topics with particular focus on those of us old enough to know better but alive enough to still do dumb things at my website, www.better-reationships-over-50.com.

Are Senior Relationships Mostly Chickens Coming Home To Roost?

Are most senior relationships either monuments to "settling" or just plain awful . . . or is it just the crowd I am aware of? Or, . . . . do we just not care as much about anything as we get older? As a group are we a stable boring bunch or cynical cheaters, adulterers, backroom porn customers, lonely drinkers . . . . or is there something better somewhere else that everyone knows about that I missed when I last looked around?

I certainly do not claim to know the answers to this, but I do know that people look at me kind of funny when I say that I prefer to do things with my wife, that I don't have side conversations about which I don't tell her, that we are as involved in all aspects of our lives as we were when we first met.

Over a quarter century ago now a favorite aunt was waxing eloquent one evening about how one settles into a relationship in such a way that sex and love are assumed and don't need to be affirmed all the time. To which her husband, arguably as perfect a gentleman as I have ever met, spoke up saying "If that is your idea of marriage then I say that your idea of marriage is a crock of shit." That really got my attention especially since I had never heard him talk that way.

I recounted the story to another aunt who smiled and said "Yes. He is and always has been a genuine romantic." I already knew that she and her husband were real romantics too. They both assured me that they had their share of arguments and didn't agree on everything, that they just did it behind closed doors, but I never saw a hint of that. Just genuine affection and mutual respect. If they said they kept that even when they were angry with each other, I believed it. I still do.

I chose to pursue the latter. Truthfully it has been quite a challenge, but not one I intend to back away from. And that's where it stands now.

Affairs Are Yesterday's News - So?

Apparently, extra-marital relationships and their effects are nothing new or surprising to a majority of Americans polled recently. At least that's what it says here in USA Today.

But even though most of us know someone who's been involved in one, they're still a really hurtful mess. Right?

What's the deal? It's sort of like smoking, cars, or wars.

Last time I heard the numbers the number of people who die from the effects of smoking tobacco each year are somewhere around what would happen if a jumbo jet full of people were to crash and kill everyone every day for a year. We'd never put up with an airline safety record like that.

Again, though my numbers aren't exact I think the number of people killed in the US annually in automobiles is somewhere between 40 and 50 thousand. Every year. But we have to drive, right? I guess so. I'm not sure. And do I have to drive with half-blind, drunken, aggressive idiots? I guess so. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm one of those in the eyes of someone else.

Sometimes you'll hear someone note that it's safer to be in Iraq than to drive across the country in a car or to smoke. Is that right? Could be, but what the heck does that mean to me? There's something about other people trying to hurt or kill me than makes it different. Right? Maybe.

Which brings us back to affairs. Are they like cars and cigarettes, . . . or wars? And, does it matter?

Caught? Want to Come Back? (reasons for infidelity are no help)

Sorry guys. If you want to keep your primary relationship and you've been caught in an affair, you'd best say you're sorry and go from there.

At least that's what Dr. Marie H. Browne says according to an article on infidelity, adultery, cheating, messing around, etc in the NY Times that you can access here.

What you do if you want back and you're not really sorry for whatever reason was not discussed in the article. I think that's the one I really want to read.

They did point out that saying "Well, you won't ______________. What do you expect?" Won't cut it.

In a committee of two where you can't decide on a conflict by voting, where do you go in the next step, especially if __________________ is really important to you?

Some places to start are spelled out on my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com, but truly creative loving solutions to these dilemmas seem to have some spark that uses techniques, effective beliefs and all that and then goes further.

Any insights into the "further" part?