Infidelity In A Nutshell

You can't put infidelity in a nutshell. It's as simple as that.

Back when the assumption was that women were chattel and that messing with another man's woman was messing with his property it probably was simpler. I don't know.

But now? Wow!! There are old fashioned affairs. There's cheating. There are emotional affairs. There are internet affairs.

I got access to a very good article on the topic recently. You can find a link to it and to other good stuff on the topic at www.better-relationships-over-50.com.

The author pretty much covers the waterfront on the topic of infidelity.

Infidelity Article

Check out this article on infidelity.

I've signed up for this guy's free course and have found it to be quite solid and with value in and of itself.

Of course he doesn't tell you everything he knows. He saves that for courses that he sells, but there is good, actionable stuff in what he sends out too. Certainly enough to decide whether this is a source that feels right to you.

Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is So Strong

When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc.

No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.

Here are six reasons why you might want to know.

1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened.

Your partner says, "Yes, I was with him/her on that day." You think, "Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about." Or, "I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it...or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn't.

2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn't when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings.

And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: "What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn't I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?"

Sexual interaction is a "window to the soul." Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner's inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you.

3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there?

This question is important for the "I can't say no" and the "I don't want to say no" types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner.

4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy.

I hear someone say, "This is weird, but sex for us is better, more frequent and more intense than it ever has been." Knowing the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies.

5. It's a connection - maybe one of few. There may be a great deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes a focal point.

You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing.

And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need for drama. This is especially true of someone who "fell out of love...and just loves being in love."

Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants to "twist the knife."

6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical well-being.

The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of the above circumstances fit you.

Learn how NOT to blow it. Clear your mind! Get Relief! Sign up now for Dr. Huizenga's Free E-course...

Avoid the Killer Mistakes saying "I love you" using Dr. Laura/Bible suggesting joint counseling saying "I've changed" and more... That prolong the affair and your misery FREE E-Mail E-Course intro to breaking free from the affair... from Dr. Huizenga Sign up Now! Name: Email: privacy policy Add bob@bobhuizenga.com to your email address book and/or adjust your spam filter to receive download instructions. Thanks.

Once you receive his thought provoking resources you can visit his sites at: www.break-free-from-the-affair.com and his blog at www.infidelity-help.com

 

Affairs and Airplane Crashes

Affairs are deadly things when it comes to relationships. And that goes for ones that are happening now and the ones that were over last week and the ones that were over 10 or 20 years ago.

A quick look at the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists' website on the topic contains references to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) type reactions, especially from the partner who was left for another and especially if they were taken by surpise and didn't know it was happening.

But once it's upon you, what do you do then? Eh?

Everything is off kilter. Most of us in such a situation wouldn't be completely clear which way was up and which down. And those of us who thought we did, would very likely be wrong. Not unlike an airplane pilot who gets disoriented.

For airplanes and relationships the response is pretty much the same. In the airplane they teach you to put your attention on the instruments, level the wings, and put the nose on the horizon. Forget about everything else until that is in order.

Of course if somehow you've been in a power dive pointing straight at the ground and you have had enough altitude and skill to get the wings level and the airplane in level flight, neither climbing or descending, nothing else seems very important for quite a while.

Same with the relationship under intense pressure. Back to basics and let the details be taken care of in their own time. Deep breath. Feet on the ground. Get yourself back in touch with what you believe. Work through what you feel, Act in integrity with that. Fly straight and level for a while before you set about doing anything. Just be there. With yourself. With your partner.

Avoid anyone or anything that is telling you that you just have to to anything else. You'll know what you want to do in time. And it will be right, . . . for you. Take care of you.

For some excellent advice and/or support in this area, check out Dr. Robert Huizenga's stuff by clicking here.

Keep a light hand on the controls until things are settled down enough that you can make decisions from a place of knowing and strength.