What's With CBT?

How can CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, really work? Does that mean just changing the way we talk can change the way we feel? And, if talking changes feeling, can we purposely feel in ways that build better relationships? I have a lot of years under my belt, isn't it too late? Can I really learn new ways to relate?


Well, yes and no. Not exactly no, but rather within ranges. Clearer now?


OK then. Try this example.


There was a study in which volunteers were asked to hold their hands in a bucket of ice water as long as they could. (It hurts.)

• As you might expect, some people did it for longer than others.


• The researchers divided the people into groups and then asked the people what they were thinking as they did it.


• The group that stayed in the ice water longest tended to report saying things like "This isn't so bad." "I can do it a little longer." etc.


• The group that stayed in the ice water the shortest said they were thinking things like "This is awful" "I can't stand it" etc.


• Then the researchers asked the people in the lowest group to say the same kinds of things to themselves that those in the highest group did and, voila, their times in the water went up significantly.


• Those who employed self-talk as a tool to improve their performance because the researchers told them to did not achieve the levels of success as those who used the same technique naturally, but they did do significantly better.


• We can only wonder whether they would have eventually caught up with the top group over time. There's no data on that.


• And, no, to the best of my knowledge they did not ask those in the highest group to change over to negative self-talk to see if it shortened their times in the water.

Is doing things that may not feel natural to us as we relate to others like putting our hands in ice water? Well, you'll have to answer that for yourself. It IS clearly harder for some people than others.


Can consistent application of positive, effective self-talk in the place of negative, destructive self-talk make us better in relationships? Yes, but it depends.


What it depends on is how good we are at identifying what it is in our thinking and talking that isn't working, how good we are at choosing the right alternative thinking and talking to replace it with, and how diligent we are at doing it.


Sound too cumbersome and too difficult? It all depends on what you compare it to. Bad relationships and/or divorce should be pretty hard to beat in the difficult cumbersome department. The choice is ours.


For more on cognitive behavioral approaches to relationships, click here.