Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships has been described as having two major components, respect and control, that must be considered in crafting any effort to avoid or resolve it. If it feels to us that the other person does not respect us and that we have no control over what is happening, the stage is set for trouble. It's an explosion just waiting for a match.

Then it is time for anger to step onto the stage. Here we are feeling disrespected and not having our thoughts, feelings, and/or needs given any value. What do we do? Most likely we get mad.

Through anger we can get an illusion of being in control. If we are big enough, scary enough, or sharp tongued enough, we may actually be in control of the situation for a fleeting moment. The problem is that it is knot lasting and it certainly does not build better relationships.

So, watch out for anger. It is a sign that we aren't feeling respected and in control. What we need to do is find ways to focus our attention on the issues of respect and control and not on whatever it was that set us off. (The trigger itself is a fakeout. Notice it and go deeper.)

For a good discussion of how this plays out and specific strategies, look at the book Make Peace With Anyone by David Lieberman, PhD.

Managing Conflict In relationships

If you find yourself carrying anger and resentment in your relationships, the situation can become a powder keg. The only real question is how long the fuse is. The destructive power is certain.

For me, getting my head around the fact that my own feeling of anger and resentment is not about the person right in front of me has taken a while. Even after I read experts on the subject make their cases that it is something programmed in a long time ago that is being set off now, I didn't really get it.

When the penny finally dropped was when I read some articles by Steven Stocsny and looked into his "HEALS" program. (He's trademarked the word HEALS, I just can't figure out how to get a little bitty tm after it.) It's really excellent.

If you have trouble managing your anger in relationship conflict, this fellow's stuff is worth looking up.

Managing Conflict: I'm Rich! I'm Poor!

Managing relationship conflict seems to have some of the characteristics of managing ones emotions in business situations.

Some years ago in a course on how to trade commodities futures contracts the presenter described trading highly leveraged commodities as a roller coaster ride of emotions - "I'm Rich, I'm Poor". The problem, she noted, is that good, clear thinking is pretty hard to do both when we're elated and when we're bummed out. And, that is exactly what's between the theoretical returns of a trading system and what most people get out of it.

At least in the world I see around me, there seems to be a similar "I'm loved/loveable : I'm unappreciated/I'm unlovable" roller coaster ride going on in intimate relationships with similar results. (And it is commonly estimated that 90% of commodities traders lose money.)

Some traders remember their system and follow it almost all the time. I suspect it's the same for lovers. Have you found anything particularly helpful in smoothing out the emotional roller coaster for better living and loving? You'll find some here.

Money & Power in Relationships Over-50

It has been opined that sex really isn't the hardest subject for people to talk about and that what really is hardest for the most people to talk about is money. Afterall, money and power go hand in hand and the subject of power makes lots of people squirm when it is too out in the open.

Since talking is our main conflict management tool in relationships and money is so often involved in how we interact whether we are conscious of it or not, this is an important topic.


The NY Times had an eye-opening article on the state of money and relationships in the younger set in big cities where women are doing very well for themselves in terms of making money and finding it is not necessarily helpful in making friends.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/23/fashion/23whopays.html?ex=1348200000&en=6e7e1ec5c4d2a26d&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink


Once we enter into the senior-years zone, whatever that is, it can get even trickier. It's not just "what I earn/what you earn", "my beliefs about spending and saving/your beliefs about spending and saving". Now you can add in "what I have inherited/what you have inherited", "what my kids are afraid I am going to blow/what your kids are afraid you are going to blow", etc. etc.

And the old one size fits all advice that you have to talk about it is right, but how the heck do you really do that?

Twenty or more years ago a psychologist named Richard Stuart applied cognitive social learning theory to the problem and came up with some very specific suggestions, steps, forms to fill out, etc. that can still be very helpful when it comes to actually talking about money in the relationship (and lots of other issues too).

A description of Stuart's work in this area and some specific ideas for applying it to typical "over-50's" issues can be found at: http://www.better-relationships-over-50.com/power-in-relationships.html