Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships has been described as having two major components, respect and control, that must be considered in crafting any effort to avoid or resolve it. If it feels to us that the other person does not respect us and that we have no control over what is happening, the stage is set for trouble. It's an explosion just waiting for a match.

Then it is time for anger to step onto the stage. Here we are feeling disrespected and not having our thoughts, feelings, and/or needs given any value. What do we do? Most likely we get mad.

Through anger we can get an illusion of being in control. If we are big enough, scary enough, or sharp tongued enough, we may actually be in control of the situation for a fleeting moment. The problem is that it is knot lasting and it certainly does not build better relationships.

So, watch out for anger. It is a sign that we aren't feeling respected and in control. What we need to do is find ways to focus our attention on the issues of respect and control and not on whatever it was that set us off. (The trigger itself is a fakeout. Notice it and go deeper.)

For a good discussion of how this plays out and specific strategies, look at the book Make Peace With Anyone by David Lieberman, PhD.

Relationship Problems: Solvable or Perpetual?

"Relationship problems" is apparently an oxymoron. Relationship means problems according to John Gottman, PhD.


Some of those problems are solvable and well worth the effort to solve, but others are not solvable and efforts to change those things can actually be destructive.


How so? Aren't there lots of perfectly happy couples who have been together for a very long time? Are they just hiding these problems?


Yes, there certainly are lots of happy couples, but they aren't without their disagreements. It looks like one of the big things those couples have accomplished is finding ways that the inevitable frictions from two people of two different backgrounds and/or personal styles can be together without having to solve unsolvable problems.


The key seems to be in knowing the difference between problems you can change and those that you can't. From there, a sense of humor helps a lot as well as having effective ways of defusing anger and moving back toward each other after a conflict.


A particularly noteworthy bit of data from Gottman's studies is that 69% of problems that couples have are of the non-solvable, perpetual type. Hmm.




A sense of humor and mutual respect. . . . Don't come home without them.