Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships has been described as having two major components, respect and control, that must be considered in crafting any effort to avoid or resolve it. If it feels to us that the other person does not respect us and that we have no control over what is happening, the stage is set for trouble. It's an explosion just waiting for a match.

Then it is time for anger to step onto the stage. Here we are feeling disrespected and not having our thoughts, feelings, and/or needs given any value. What do we do? Most likely we get mad.

Through anger we can get an illusion of being in control. If we are big enough, scary enough, or sharp tongued enough, we may actually be in control of the situation for a fleeting moment. The problem is that it is knot lasting and it certainly does not build better relationships.

So, watch out for anger. It is a sign that we aren't feeling respected and in control. What we need to do is find ways to focus our attention on the issues of respect and control and not on whatever it was that set us off. (The trigger itself is a fakeout. Notice it and go deeper.)

For a good discussion of how this plays out and specific strategies, look at the book Make Peace With Anyone by David Lieberman, PhD.

Managing Conflict In relationships

If you find yourself carrying anger and resentment in your relationships, the situation can become a powder keg. The only real question is how long the fuse is. The destructive power is certain.

For me, getting my head around the fact that my own feeling of anger and resentment is not about the person right in front of me has taken a while. Even after I read experts on the subject make their cases that it is something programmed in a long time ago that is being set off now, I didn't really get it.

When the penny finally dropped was when I read some articles by Steven Stocsny and looked into his "HEALS" program. (He's trademarked the word HEALS, I just can't figure out how to get a little bitty tm after it.) It's really excellent.

If you have trouble managing your anger in relationship conflict, this fellow's stuff is worth looking up.