Relationship Problems: Solvable or Perpetual?

"Relationship problems" is apparently an oxymoron. Relationship means problems according to John Gottman, PhD.


Some of those problems are solvable and well worth the effort to solve, but others are not solvable and efforts to change those things can actually be destructive.


How so? Aren't there lots of perfectly happy couples who have been together for a very long time? Are they just hiding these problems?


Yes, there certainly are lots of happy couples, but they aren't without their disagreements. It looks like one of the big things those couples have accomplished is finding ways that the inevitable frictions from two people of two different backgrounds and/or personal styles can be together without having to solve unsolvable problems.


The key seems to be in knowing the difference between problems you can change and those that you can't. From there, a sense of humor helps a lot as well as having effective ways of defusing anger and moving back toward each other after a conflict.


A particularly noteworthy bit of data from Gottman's studies is that 69% of problems that couples have are of the non-solvable, perpetual type. Hmm.




A sense of humor and mutual respect. . . . Don't come home without them.