Leave Divorce Out of It!?

Recently one author on the subject of saving your marriage, stopping divorce, etc (click here for more on this) noted that whatever you decide to try, from going to couple counseling to just talking about it to reading books, etc. will work a lot better if you take divorce off the table as one of your options.

Good idea. Glad to read someone else saying it.

Especially because when we are in the midst of relationship problems they seem so insoluble that "there must be something/someone better out there somewhere," (the seductive call of the sirens sitting on the rocks just waiting for a crack up if there ever was one.)

This is even more seductive for us in the over 50, over 60 set. Most likely there aren't children to think about and the end of the trail is getting more real, maybe for the first time in our lives. "I'd better do it now or never" is the classic distortion here.


Social scientists have known for decades that people whose parents were divorced are much more likely to get divorced themselves than those whose parents stayed together. (I can't remember the exact number, but I think it was by a factor of two or three!) Why? Because it feels like an option.


Even in the divorce business where there is a kind of divorce called Collaborative in which everyone works together to get the best possible settlement for everyone involved, the process requires that each party sign an agreement that they will not go to court. It has been likened to closing the gate of the corral or Hannibal putting his army ashore and then burning the boats leaving no way to go but forward.


Back doors don't lead to the best problem solving in marriage or in divorce apparently. Why not close and lock the back door while you're still married and seeking a solution so you don't have to do it to get the best dissolution?