The relationship researcher, John Gottman PhD, has described what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when it comes to relationship troubles:
Criticism – Which is not to be confused with complaining. An occasional legitimate complaint about one’s spouse is normal. But while a complaint addresses a specific action, criticism attacks the person.
Contempt – Beyond criticism, contempt includes name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. It poisons a relationship because it conveys disgust.
Defensiveness – When we feel attacked it is common to become defensive, but, unfortunately, it R\rarely causes the attacker to back down or apologize. Instead, the defending party usually reverses the blame, creating a back and forth, no-win scenario.
Last on Gottman's list, but certainly not least from my experience is stonewalling.
Stonewalling – Happens when an emotionally overwhelmed person tunes out and sits passively without saying a word or acknowledging his partner. From Gottman's research we know that this is usually the male in a heterosexual couple.
Apparently the stonewalling partner feels flooded by emotion, so overwhelmed by the other’s negative behavior that they put all of their attention weathering the emotional stress the onslaught causes and trying not to fan the flames any further.
When we get emotionally flooded we experience very strong physical reactions that can include a racing heart, perspiration, adrenaline release, and mounting blood pressure. Clear thinking and effective problem-solving are out the window, and the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in.
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Couples who know how to manage emotional flooding together are the ones that experience the least stonewalling.
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