Saving Your Marriage

Saving your marriage, especially when one of you doesn't particularly seem to want to, can feel like a very tall order indeed.

One way to look at it is that once you decide that saving your marriage is something that you want to try to do, then you enter into a series of personal explorations to be able to answer the important questions involved that are very likely to have positive effects on the rest of your lives together or apart.

Even if you can't make the necessary corrections to start healing this realtionship, you had better know what went wrong so that you don't just repeat the same mistakes in the future with someone else. There's no better way to accomplish this than for the two of you to try to make the necessary repairs right here right now.

The questions and introspection involved aren't easy, but not doing them can be just plain dumb. Some examples of topics on which you need to know where stand include your beliefs on

• The importance of marriage
• The importance of keeping the promises that you made when you married
• Each person's needs to keep themselves safe
• The well being of children
• How the opinions and attitudes of family and friends are affecting your choices
• How long is a reasonable time to work at it before you give up

What a person "should" do if their partner

• Is an alcoholic or drug addict
• Is having an affair
• Has had an affair in the past
• Has an anger problem
• Is abusive
• Is in jail

- - - - - -

When your marriage is in trouble, there is no shortage of people who know just what you should do. They mean well. They want you to be safe and happy. They don't want you to feel like they are siding with your rotten spouse. But, they cannot really know what is best for you! Only you can figure that out.

Find a variety of resources and tools for undertaking this mission and then see which ones work for you. It is your life, your marriage, your challenge when all is said and done.

Infidelity Becoming NormalDoes that make it not cheating?

Infidelity is becoming so prevalent that it may be considered the norm, if not now, soon, some researchers say.

In a thought provoking blog post on infidelity, Genevieve Beaulieu-Pelletier, a PhD candidate at the Universite de Montreal’s Department of Psychology and author of a new study, is quoted as saying that

• studies suggest that the chances of a relationship suffering from infidelity are now somewhere between 40% and 76%
• such high numbers have implications for what is considered normal
• infidelity correlates strongly with an avoidant relationship personality style
• avoidant relationship style is most often a result of poor parenting

Whoa! If you care about committed relationship, sounds like you've got one foot on an impending betrayal mess and the other on a banana peel.

Of course, this is a researcher talking and all the caveats about research apply--

• we don't know how strong the observed correlations were (statistically significant and real are often two different things)
• we don't know if the respondents were telling the truth (we do know that males often exaggerate reports of sexual behavior of all sorts to researchers)
• we don't know who the respondents were
• if you've ever taken an abnormal psychology class, you know that defining normal is very difficult (just because "everyone" is doing it doesn't make it right)

It is, however, as noted earlier, food for thought. Is infidelity really cheating if we know going into a relationship that 40 - 76% of people undertaking this venture are going to experience infidelity to that relationship? Or, is it the norm, an expected part of a relationship? That seems to be the gist of the post.

I don't know.

If you bought a toaster that you knew delivered electric shocks to 40 - 76% of people who used it, would you have grounds for a lawsuit if you bought it figuring you would be one of the 24-60% who didn't get shocked? I mean, those other people who got shocked were probably careless, right? And it is a beautiful toaster for a very good price.

Well, that example didn't clear anything up for me. Afterall, when you're in love when have rules, probabilities, or anything else ever mattered? That's just part of the romance stage of relationship development.

For me, I think that our mothers had it right when they told us that just because "everyone" was jumping off a cliff, that didn't make it a good idea. However you frame it, whether you call it cheating or not, infidelity is very painful, destructive behavior.

GPS LingerieInfidelity/Cheat Buster?

Infidelity of cheating spouses may be facing a serious challenge. (Or, maybe not. It has stood up to a lot of heat over the centuries and come out stronger than ever.)

Just when you thought that relationship craziness had gone about as far as it could go, brace yourself - - GPS lingerie!

No, it's not designed to facilitate the finding of a misplaced brassiere.

The embedded chip is designed to make it possible to keep track of the location of a beloved wearer of said lingerie at all times, from anywhere with computer access. Not surprisingly, people are already calling it the new chastity belt.

Wow! And I thought cell phones were amazing. How about this one? Heard about it on the NPR show "Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me" today. They swore it was for real. Hmm.

Does the wearer know the thing is in there? If so, why not just drop your bra off at the library, go where you want to go and pick it up on the way home? How long before some eager entrepeneur comes up with just such a service? (Well, it's no crazier than the product itself.)

Stand by. It is only a matter of time until someone will be surgically embedding these things inside people's bodies . . . . "You say you'll never cheat on me again? You'll do anything to come back? . . . well, there is something you can do."

James Thurber's "war between men and women" marches on!

Isn't there anything else we can do?

Conflict In Relationships

Conflict in relationships has been described as having two major components, respect and control, that must be considered in crafting any effort to avoid or resolve it. If it feels to us that the other person does not respect us and that we have no control over what is happening, the stage is set for trouble. It's an explosion just waiting for a match.

Then it is time for anger to step onto the stage. Here we are feeling disrespected and not having our thoughts, feelings, and/or needs given any value. What do we do? Most likely we get mad.

Through anger we can get an illusion of being in control. If we are big enough, scary enough, or sharp tongued enough, we may actually be in control of the situation for a fleeting moment. The problem is that it is knot lasting and it certainly does not build better relationships.

So, watch out for anger. It is a sign that we aren't feeling respected and in control. What we need to do is find ways to focus our attention on the issues of respect and control and not on whatever it was that set us off. (The trigger itself is a fakeout. Notice it and go deeper.)

For a good discussion of how this plays out and specific strategies, look at the book Make Peace With Anyone by David Lieberman, PhD.

How To Attract WomenHow to Attract Men

Courses, books, and programs on attracting men and on attracting women have been around for a long time.

Who do you think of when you think of someone buying and applying the lessons in one of these courses? Do you see someone who is desperate? . . . who is opportunistic? . . . a manipulator? . . . someone interested in personal growth? How old are they? What has their experience been in relationships to date? Have you ever been tempted by one of these offers?

Could this kind of thing be of use to you? Like so many things . . . that depends!

If you are in a relationship now, how about being more attractive to the one you're with? Novel idea? Let's hope not. The longer we are in a relationship, the more we change and move away from the younger people who started out, the more we need to have our eyes, ears, and hearts open to who and what is in front of us right now. It need never get boring.

If you think that improving on how you come across to other people in general and how attractive a potential partner you are doesn't pertain to you or that there's nothing that you can get out of it, you might give it some more thought.

Of course if all you seek is a few new tricks to get other people to do what you want, then it probably is a waste of time and money.

If you are looking for new ways to go about relating consciously to other people, genuinely, and in ways that feel good to you then you probably would be able to pick up a couple of ideas about how you might change ways that you habitually look at other people and yourself.

Putting attention on the process of how you relate to other people can bring big rewards. And, as we get older and have more and more unexamined habits and beliefs, doing something to shake things up a bit can be even more fruitful.

Why Mindfulness In Relationships?

Conscious mindfulness in any of its many forms is a very attractive way to support, nurture, and build relationships.

This may seem kind of funny when you first think about it since it doesn't involve anything in particular about what we should or shouldn't do, what we should or shouldn't feel. It doesn't speak directly to any of that.

Rather, it focuses on how we relate to our own inner experience and our experience of the world around us. As best I can tell, the idea is that when we get that clear and straight we naturally find our own best ways to be with each other.

An attractive thing about the mindfulness approach to relationships is that while it probably will end up including the wisdom of the ages, the common sense, and the best practices as we act from our mindful perspective, I don't have to try to remember rules, skills, and the like.

That's good because no matter how good such things are, no matter how right they are, where are they when you need them. I don't know where they go in the heat of need, but I do know for sure that they go somewhere. Hence the old observation that when you need your communication, listening, and stress management skills the most, you're the least likely to actually be able to use them.

Mindfulness. Check it out. A number of workable approaches exist. You will probably be able to find one that feels right for you.

When Your Man Is Cheating

When your husband is cheating, there is the question of whether you should confront the other woman or not. It certainly can be a scary possibility, but apparently it can be worth doing . . . if you do it right.

Given that being the partner who finds out that they are being cheated on often results in emotions very similar to those experienced in PTSD, getting out of a passive role has the possibility of being very therapeutic . . . again, if you do it right.

Dr. Robert Huizenga discusses confronting the other woman and gets specific about what to do and why in a recent post on one of his sites on the topic of infidelity.

Looking at the questions that the coach asked in this article we can get some ideas about why and how one might go about this.

• What is the purpose for doing it? What do you hope to accomplish? to learn? to understand? to make happen?
• What do you plan to do with what you find out? Are you really looking for new information, or are you seeking to make a case for what you have already decided?
  
• Are you ready for how you will deal with the possible strong emotions that you are likely to encounter from the other person and within yourself? Playing out as many possible scenarios as you can think of in your head in advance of a stressful situation has been shown to result in a better performance in the actual situation, even if what actually happens is different from anything you had prepared for. (For more on this see Psychocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, MD. It's an old book, but extremely useful and a pleasant read.)
  
• What support do you have in place to process what you find out?

Should you talk to the woman who has been with your cheating husband? I don't think that anyone can really answer that for you. Certainly doing it impulsively, without a plan and a reason, lowers your chances of having it turn out to be a long term positive.

Getting an overview of infidelity before you move into your own specifics and the actual decision making about whether to confront or not and how you will do it is probably well worth the effort.

Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity is an idea that I had never heard before, but it made perfect sense after I thought about it a while. It also really brought home just how high the bar is when it comes to really being true to a relationship.

The concept of financial of infidelity was spelled out recently in a book by the same title which was reviewed well in the Huffington Post blog. This doesn't involve another person as in the case of a man having a secret bank account to pay for prostitutes or hotel rooms, it is less clear cut.

Basically, the idea is that when one partner spends money and hides the fact that they have in one way or another, they are being untrue to the relationship. They aren't really working as a team at that point and it is corrosive. In this case I think cheating describes what's going on better than infidelity.

In an example in the Huffington article, a woman considers buying a new bicycle and keeping it in the nighbor's garage so her husband won't find out. Sounds kind of goofy at first, but think about it in terms of the relationship. They apparently don't respectfully confer and agree on expenditures, which is a red flag whether she buys the bike or not. She is also thinking about keeping a secret and enlisting the aid of her friend in doing it, which is a sure fire way of drifting further apart.

The end result, at best, is likely to be that they increasingly run on parallel tracks, a sad but apparently stable situation that many couples view as relationship success. The problem is that it doesn't take much to de-stabilize one of these. It can be something as simple as getting to know a couple whose relationship is closer, more respectful, and . . . . well, happier, and then it is only a matter of time before it falls apart.

Actually, it might be looked upon as a material manifestation of emotional infidelity, the tricky little relationship time bomb that I discussed before here.

Save Your Marriage

Frankly, when someone tells me that they want to save their marriage, I can't help but cringe and wish them good luck. Must be something about my own beliefs that probably would be good to work on, but the idea of "working on" a relationship is to the end of that relationship and the getting a house in the suburbs with a golden retriever is to having kids in some circles.

Maybe this comes from my male perspective. I don't know. Much of the talking and listening approach to such endeavors is a decidedly feminine undertaking.

Still, ending a marriage is nothing to be taken lightly. I don't care how many divorce attorneys are divorced and how many divorce service ads imply that if you just get through this, things will be so much better.

Once you get "through this", you are both who you were before you started, but you have a lot less money and a whole new set of problems to cope with.

Anyway, there must be a more productive way to look at saving your marriage than the one I have carried in my head and heart like a virus where it seems like a long, hard, slog that is ultimately doomed anyway. There are lots of good reasons to believe that it need not be that way.

There have been some really excellent efforts to spell out in usable terms how to save your marriage which I have been studying. And, I am impressed.

The Infidelity Story Just Rolls On

When an infidelity story makes the front page, I can't help but wonder if it isn't there not just for the prurient interest factor, but also as another one of those little bells that ring every now and then to remind all of us that we are a lot closer to bad things ourselves than we'd like to think.

That old 'ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee' probably is a good thing to remember on all kinds of issues.

Oh, I know, those are bad people who do those things, not people like me. And, maybe they are. I really don't know. I'm not trying to get them off the hook.

I do suspect that like every story in the newspaper, there's a lot more to it than is written there and there are as many stories about what really happened as there are people who are close to it. I feel for everyone involved. What a mess.

Now, it is Elizabeth Edwards speaking to the Detroit Free Press who is having to find a way to acknowledge what is with as much dignity as she can find and move forward. She didn't really say what "forward" will be at a deep personal level, but she did tell us that she's going to focus on her children and health care legislation. Sounds sane to me.

As for how she is coping with the broken trust, she also did an admirable job, saying that that is just too sensitive to talk about.

Every time I hear about another of these stories I feel like another Greek tragedy is playing itself out. The characters will either be transformed in some way, learn some great lesson, or be destroyed. And once the curtain is pulled back an the story starts to unfold, no one can do anything but play their part with as much dignity and integrity as they can muster.

There are experienced, professional people telling us lots of useful things about affairs, cheating, infidelity, or whatever else you call it. It's good stuff. It's helpful because this is one of those things in life that we don't want or need to know a lot about. Hopefully we'll never have to deal with it and if we do, we pray it is a one time aberration.

I discuss what some of them say and provide links to articles on my website, www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com

Conscious Relationship

Conscious relationship is a term that has been used for some time, but what does it mean and how can us older folks who aren't even sure what it means get value out of it?


For me, relating consciously means that

• I am aware that there are two separate individuals each with their own strengths, weaknesses, needs, and history in the relationship
• I view the relationship not only as a way to meet my own needs, but also to learn more about myself and to move closer to my ideals of how I would like to behave towards myself and others
• I value relating as something that I experience in and of itself

• I see the other person as a potential mirror for my own foibles and challenges and I for theirs.

Hopefully, the result of all of this is that by being conscious of myself in the relationship I can put more into it, get more out of it, and be more the kind of person that I aspire to be.

Tall order? Well, yes, I guess so, but what else are we to do? The conventional wisdom seems to only go so far. Some people do just fine with it, but lots of us don't.

Here's a chance to put it all into a perspective with lots of hope.

You can find a more complete (and hopefully clearer) discussion of conscious relationships at my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com

More Sex Improves Marriages

More sex more of the time is a great thing for a marriage. At least it was for two couples who had been married for a number of years, who did it as an experiment, and wrote books about it.

Sounds like something that those of us in the over-50 set might give some though to. It is simply too easy as the years pass to add habit upon habit, assumption upon assumption, until we look in the mirror and wonder how we became who we appear to be now. When you think about the stages of relationships, you can see that while most of us find some comfortable level at which to settle, it is always possible to set the movement back in motion with some change.

Often this is one that happens to us. We have no choice. It is exciting to see someone who has made a choice and reaped rewards.

Their books are: Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Doug Brown and 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe.

In an excellent recent article, WEB MD looks into just how more sex improves marriages.

Well, they quoted the authors of the books about how it had affected their lives and they talked to some experts about what might have been going on. Which is cool.

Just because it isn't the outcome of a study including 10,000 couples doesn't make it any less potentially valuable for you and me. I mean, what if 98% of couples got nothing out of it and I and you and I are in the 2%? Do we care?

I do wonder about how the general tendencies of male psychology and female psychology relative to sex.

As usual for me, I just don't know. On the surface of it I find myself thinking "great! let's go." When I stop for about 10 seconds I realize that there are a lot of things that I would have to do to really make that happen and I wonder how I would really deal with them. It is very unlikely that life just goes on as ever and you add in more sex.

Are Relationships Just a Chick Thing?

Looking at data on who goes to which sites on the internet, an interesting and not really surprising thing pops up in the over 55 age group.

If you start with people who visit popular sites that deal with relationships and see what else they are likely to look at, there is a strong split between men and women. The women tend to head for other sites about family, relationships, and investments. The mean tend go next to sites on cars, investments, and porn.

Not surprising perhaps, but what does it say about the chances for great relationships occurring between those men and women? Isn't there a song that says something about reading the news and it's all been bad?

Am I missing something here? Or, is the "war between men and women" satirized by James Thurber just dragging on?

More Infidelity: now it's John Edwards

Now it's John Edwards who we hear has been having an affair. What the heck is with these guys?

On the one hand, one might think that what politicians do in their private lives is just that, private. Or maybe that line of thinking starts with an assumption that it should be. I have found this view quite attractive and apparently logical for many years, but I am starting to wonder.

All moral, ethical, and pragmatic relationship reasons not to cheat on your spouse aside, . . . if you are a public figure you are going to get caught.

And, if you have taken on a public trust, if you have said you were willing to take a leadership position in championing the interests of groups of people, then you had better not do obviously dumb things to lessen your ability to do that. It isn't a breach of trust just with your partner, but also with all the people who supported you.

So here's Edwards, who was arguably one of the most articulate and effective spokesman for groups of people who aren't doing so well in society today, going out and making it easy to devalue not just him as a person, but also the issues, ideas, and ideals that he expressed.

Does this apply to all the rest of us who walk around in relative anonymity? Does it matter less if we do stupid, destructive things?

I used to think that it didn't, at least not in the same way, but giving our trial lawyer-millionaire-friend of the disadvantaged bad example of the week, John Edwards, some more thought I have changed my mind.

The only thing that is different in the size of the circle of damage. And, to each individual within the circle of that influence affairs, cheating, infidelity is just as hurtful. In fact, the smaller that circle, the more concentrated the hurt.

If your level of moral development hasn't progressed far enough to consider the interests and needs of others, for crying out loud be smart and keep yourself out of trouble!

ps - and if you think you can just not get caught and stay out of trouble that way . . . WAKE UP!! and while you're smelling the coffee notice all the cell phones with cameras built in, the IP addresses with your web activities, the reverse phone number services. Even without all that stuff your odds of not getting caught were never that good, but now the deck is stacked against you even more.

For more consideration and resources on this topic, check out the infidelity section of my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com

Is Heterosexuality AnUnsolvable Relationship Problem?

I received to following piece by e-mail today. It was intended to be funny and it is until you think about it for more than about 10 seconds.



Diary for Two


HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation was not flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he did not say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he was not upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I cannot explain his behavior. I do not know why he did not say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.

However, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I do not know what to do.

I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

Does Infidelity Ever Die?

Talk to anyone who has ever been caught in an affair, admitted to an affair, or seriously accused of being in an affair and one thing you will hear over and over is that nothing they do or don't do seems to make any difference. It is always hanging over them.


Talk to anyone who has caught their partner in an affair, had their partner admit to an affair, or who has seriously thought their partner was having an affair without being able to prove it or get a confession and the one thing that you will hear over and over is that there seem to be nothing that makes them feel safe again.


Apparently, how surprised you are by your partner cheating correlates directly with how bad it is for you, how hard it is to move on.


This is why finding out that your partner, lover, spouse has been unfaithful to you leads to a form of post traumatic stress disorder. The theory goes something like this - -

• We live in a very uncertain and dangerous world and there isn't much we can do about it. The incidence of bad things happening may be low, but it is always there.


• To survive and manage the uncertainty, we act as if it isn't going to happen to us. As long as it doesn't, this strategy works pretty well.


• When the unimaginable does happen to us or to someone close to us and this strategy is torn from us, our internal environment becomes very unstable. In other words our mind/body/emotional system freaks out.


• Getting back is possible, but tough.

Moral to the story? If you decide to mess around, if you allow yourself to be convinced to cheat, if you think that you are just too wonderful for only one person, if you find yourself slipping into infidelity and don't do anything to stop it, you are setting yourself for disaster.


You will probably blow your relationship up and if you avoid that you'll be taking on baggage that you'll lug around for a long long time. Ask anyone who's tried it.

Relationship Problems: Solvable or Perpetual?

"Relationship problems" is apparently an oxymoron. Relationship means problems according to John Gottman, PhD.


Some of those problems are solvable and well worth the effort to solve, but others are not solvable and efforts to change those things can actually be destructive.


How so? Aren't there lots of perfectly happy couples who have been together for a very long time? Are they just hiding these problems?


Yes, there certainly are lots of happy couples, but they aren't without their disagreements. It looks like one of the big things those couples have accomplished is finding ways that the inevitable frictions from two people of two different backgrounds and/or personal styles can be together without having to solve unsolvable problems.


The key seems to be in knowing the difference between problems you can change and those that you can't. From there, a sense of humor helps a lot as well as having effective ways of defusing anger and moving back toward each other after a conflict.


A particularly noteworthy bit of data from Gottman's studies is that 69% of problems that couples have are of the non-solvable, perpetual type. Hmm.




A sense of humor and mutual respect. . . . Don't come home without them.

Senior RelationshipsNarcissism?

Saying that someone is simply narcissistic has always been a good conversation ender. Works like a charm, but what the heck does it mean?


Is it simply intended to be a longer word for selfish?


Or, is it an effort a psychologizing?


I fear that if you are really dealing with a person with a narcissistic personality disorder or even a narcissistic personality style, it is probably a waste of time to tell them this because they don't care what you think. Of course if we have it wrong, we probably will hurt the recipient's feelings and damage the relationship.


Selfish is something that I can be at a particular time or on a particular topic, but is something that can be transitory. Labeling a person as "one of those" be it narcissistic, paranoid, or sociopathic is a dead end. Better left alone.

Senior Relationships' Self-Talk

One of the really dangerous things about senior relationships is that we have such a storehouse of self-talk that we've developed over the years that our automatic cognitive/emotional central computer figures that it knows what just about everything means.


Notice that I said that our automatic processing figures it knows. It does have a lot of data from which to make educated guessed. Maybe they are even very educated guesses, but they are still just guesses.


Anything that we can do to stay where we are right now and not get ahead into what we remember about what happened before in a situation just like this one, or what we remember someone told us about a situation just like this one, or what we are sure is going to happen next, is a great accomplishment.


In other words, to get the good stuff, we have to be present.


This was portrayed incredibly in the movie Rainman when Charlie Babbit, one of the two main characters, is being read his wealthy father's will in which he learns that he has been left his father's prize rose bushes and a car with the remainder of the estate going to an unnamed third party. After reading it, the lawyer asks if Charlie has any questions to which Charlie replies that he missed the whole thing and needs it read over. His mind went to the rose bushes, the car, the 3 million dollars that someone else was going to get, what all this meant and completely left where he was.


It was so clear what was happening in that scene. Alas, it is almost never so clear in intimate relationships. We're always hearing things that weren't said, missing things that were said, and "knowing" what it all means and what we "should" do based on automatic retrievals and processing that is going on all the time and that in many cases has very little to do with what is right in front of us.


What to do? Well,. . .

• it helps a lot just to realize that this is something that the human mind, the human organism tends to do


• it is possible to change it by just noticing when it is happening


• using listening skills can make a difference


• and, . . . regular mindfulness practice can make us better and better at it

"Be here now" just about sums it up. There is lots of good stuff that we miss when we let ourselves go on autopilot; especially as we get older and our autopilot gets more and more data in its memory banks.

Erectile Dysfunction, ED and Relationships

Getting beyond platitudes and generally good, but relatively unusable, advice about how to cope with erectile dysfunction in an ongoing relationship is difficult. If I hear myself or someone else say something about communication being vital, I may just throw up.


Of course, if your aren't in an ongoing relationship but would like to be and you can't get it up, you're really out there on your own. At least you don't have to hear about how important good communication is or get helpful advice from a partner.


Not that that isn't true that good communication is vital. It is, but that knowledge and $2 will get you a cup of coffee that tastes like they forgot to clean the coffee maker, which is probably true too.


Communication is basically just a pipe. You can run good things through it. You can run bad things through it. Things that help. Things that hurt.


They say that you can't use a map to get where you want to go until you know where you are. You can't use communication to get where you want to go until you know where you are too. And if you aren't really sure where it is you want to go in more than broad terms, the trip can get really interesting, . . . or overwhelming.


Maybe coming at it in a non-threatening, low pressure way. How about word association? Or maybe description of inkblots? Maybe a set of cards with cartoon situations on them where each person talks about what's going on, like in the old Stanford Binet IQ test, "put these cards in order." Just some ideas to do something different.


Can a female partner really understand just how incredibly confusing and upsetting erectile dysfunction is? I suppose so. I hope so. Depends on how committed and patient and curious she as she talks and listens.


On the other hand, I can't help but feel that if you haven't had one of these live things with a mind of its own in your pants for forty, fifty, sixty years, it seems unlikely that you'll be able to really understand the effects of it suddenly just lying there. (I know, I know, that kind of statement goes both ways. And that's true, but the subject is ED here.)


Guys have been getting erections since they were in the womb. Everyone manages that in different ways and it is not without its ambivalences, but when it goes it is a major loss.


I think one factor is that guys often are told that they need to communicate better with their partners, but don't really get into it.


As long as we have a hard part of us that is looking for something to be pushed into, communication may stay marginal from our point of view. But, lose that and now the only way anything is going to happen is with good communication, give and take, using a more feminine approach if you will, and we're in a whole new ball game. Very likely a ballgame that we never would have chosen, don't know how to play, and one that we're very tempted to sit out.


So, what to do? How to learn a new game that we don't even want to admit we have to play?


Or, do I have this all wrong? Really. What do you think?

When All Else Fails Re-read Byron Katie

When it comes to sticking with what is, with staying in the present, the work of Byron Katie described in Loving What Is is just the ticket.


Sometimes all this be-here-now stuff gets to be a bit hard to grasp. When that happens to me, I reach for my well worn copy of Byron Katie and just start reading about anywhere the book falls open. The common sense, the uncommon sense, and the humor can help me get myself going most every time.


The older we get, the more it seems we need to keep our attention right here right now. Maybe this is because there is more "back there in time" with each advancing year. I for one find it hard not to compare what's happening now with what happened before and before that and before that in an effort to make sense of what's going on now. Actually it doesn't help, but I still try it.


A bigger dose of loving what is and less attention on memories of what was is a darned good prescription for just about any relationship issue.

Alcohol Problems Can Sneak Up On Seniors

Alcohol problems don't go away with age. In fact, the bar seems to get lower for the amount of alcohol that causes problems as we age.


If you look at a simple alcohol problem self-screening questionnaire, you will notice a rather cruel twist - - ->> males under 65 are warned to check further if they have more that 14 drinks per day or more than 5 on any one day, but over 65 the threshold drops to 7 drinks per week.


It must be that same metabolism thing that causes us to need fewer calories as we get older. Still, think of it. If I am cruising along at 9 drinks a week, it's likely ok, but let a few years pass and those same 9 drinks per week start to spell trouble.


The thing a alcohol use is that we are usually the last one to figure out that we have a problem.


If any of the screening questions raise a red flag, take the time to check it out with a professional.


Senior sex and senior relationships are very vulnerable to alcohol problems. If continuing your sex life is of interest, then a hard look at alcohol use is in order.

Putting Off Retirement?

AARP has sent out an article about people deciding that they are not going to retire as soon as they thought and that many who have retired are looking for work. What's the deal and how does it affect relationships?


The "deal" is that lots of us simply don't have enough money to stop working -- or, we feel as though we don't. With the values of housing and the stock market going down and the prices of things the government doesn't count in inflation like food and gasoline going up, our general mood about our prospects isn't so hot for quite understandable reasons. At this point in a financial cycle, it isn't easy to see any silver linings.


On the other hand, I suppose that in many cases it helps relationships in the short run. It is no secret that the first couple of years of not filling most of your waking hours with work can put stresses on relationships. Eventually people seem to find new ways to fit together, but for a while it can be a bit rough.


Of course this represents a real opportunity to do something better and is a great chance for a more conscious relationship; if we'll take up the challenge.


But, what about just working longer? Probably that isn't unlike have the foresight and self-discipline necessary to put aside enough money that we can retire. The negatives are in the short term and the positives are in the long term and most of us respond to what we are experiencing right now.


Can we do better with money? with relationships?


It probably depends on how well we learned to defer gratification or on how we learned to define gratification a long long time ago. Or, maybe we can make some mid-course corrections. Who knows? Is this finally a strong enough reason for us to engage in a regular mindfulness practice ?

Senior Sex Senior STDs

Senior sex didn't become risk free when pregnancy was no longer an issue. Remember the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).


According to the Centers for Disease Control, older people are at increasing risk for HIV/AIDS and other STDs. A growing number of older people now have HIV/AIDS. About 19 percent of all people with HIV/AIDS in this country are age 50 and older. Because older people don't get tested for HIV/AIDS on a regular basis, there may be even more cases than currently known.

Many factors contribute to the increasing risk of infection in older people.

• In general, older Americans know less about HIV/AIDS and STDs than younger age groups because the elderly have been neglected by those responsible for education and prevention messages.


• In addition, older people are less likely than younger people to talk about their sex lives or drug use with their doctors, and doctors don't tend to ask their older patients about sex or drug use.


• Finally, older people often mistake the symptoms of HIV/AIDS for the aches and pains of normal aging, so they are less likely to get tested.

You can find links to more information here.

More Senior Sex Surveys

Another senior sex survey, this time in the British Journal of Medicine, has found that grandma and grampa are still doing it. Wow! Or is that "no duh"?


It isn't really a flash from Dr. Freud that people tend to do things that feel good.


Still, it is good to get some validation on this topic from sources that the more staid among us might believe. Maybe this will help when doctors get out the prescription pad for them to consider the effects on libido of the various choices for adults of all ages. Also, perhaps some prudish offspring will take it as a clue to stick to their own business on this and other topics relating to aging.

Side Effects

The older we get, the more likely we are to be taking some kind of medicine or another and the more likely we are to being subject to drug side effects and interactions.


When prescribed a medicine,

• ask the doctor what the side effects and possible drug interactions are.


• When you pick it up ask the pharmacist about side effects and drug interactions.


• If possible, get all your drugs at the same place so that they can tell you about possible interactions.


• Ask for the complete set of notes that comes with the medicine and hope that the printer wasn't using the latest in nano-typesetting.


• Then get a magnifier so that you can read the tiny tiny print, or look it up on the internet and set the print size on "gigantic" again so that you can read it.

There are so many things about medicines, herbs, spices, etc. that no one ever thinks to tell people that can mess things up.


For example, I just read today that garlic might be really good for circulation, cholesterol, and blood pressure (the scientific jury is still out and the anecdotal evidence depends on who you're talking to), but that it should be stopped before surgery and dental procedures as it can make blood clotting slower. Wow! I've had surgery and I've had teeth pulled and I've never had anyone ask about my garlic intake.


Maybe it isn't a big factor, maybe it is, I don't know. But, I do know that it is easy enough to lay off the garlic for a few days just in case. I'd like to decide something like that for myself. Can't hurt. Might be unnecessary. Might really help, especially if I am taking other things that thin blood or something like that.


I guess that the more we know, the better we can take care of ourselves.

Sex After Prostate Surgery

It looks to me as though the standard advice about sex after prostate surgery is that you have to talk about it with your partner. I think that I've said that myself so I really can't argue with it nor do I want to, but I do think that it is more than a bit simplistic.


Without knowing the exact numbers, it seems safe to guess that the majority of men who have prostate surgery are over 50. If this is true, then it means that those of us who have undergone this surgery have a pretty well developed set of patterns, habits, and beliefs related to how we participate in and enjoy sex. If you want to read that as being in a rut, feel free.


After prostate surgery, if there is any change in ability to attain and/or maintain an erection, the whole balance of the experience is thrown off. Relationships within our minds, emotions, and bodies that have been setting up going all the way back to solitary sexual explorations of youth are going to be disrupted.


Now, back to the comment about being in a rut. While it can be that changes can open our eyes and our hearts to things that we would have missed otherwise, it doesn't necessarily come easy. We're talking about old friends here. Habits and sensations that have been with us for much of our lives.


There's likely to be a process of letting go of the old ways that no longer work, mourning if you prefer, before the new can be embraced. And this calls for some consciousness and acceptance within onesself to go along with talking with a partner.


If you have some mindfulness practice in place this can be a lot easier. If you don't and are finding accepting what is and moving forward a challenge, then it may be a great time to adopt one.

Senior Friends With Benefits?

Is the concept of friends with benefits something that is workable for older folks? It would seem as though being retired with children out and on their own would be a perfect situation to enjoy sex without all the deep entanglements. Hence, "friends with benefits".


But is this so for everyone? for some? for anyone?


Given the responses given on the study of elderly sexual behavior published in the New England Journal of Medicine, August 2007, it doesn't seem to me that casual sex is likely to be for very many people in the over 50 set.


Why do I say that? Well, mostly based on the consistent broadening of just what the term "sex" covers to include more cuddling and quiet time together sometimes in addition to and also instead of coitus.


DISCLAIMER: I do have an ax to grind here and that is the belief that sex and everything else is better within the context of a rewarding relationship.


What do you think?

Senior Sex Movie

Finally found a movie with an ongoing theme of senior sex (not just a short bit) and it was a comedy!?! Oh my! Oh well! I guess something is better than nothing.


Meet the Fockers casts Barbra Streisand as the senior sex therapist mother of one of the characters. A senior sex therapist. What the heck is that? Is there any science that supports specific interventions that a senior sex therapist might initiate? I'll bet there isn't.


Should there be? Well, I see no reason why not. The recent survey of senior sexual behavior published last August in the New England Journal of Medicine got more than a few notices in the mainstream media, but was it respectful? Was it reported with a bit of discomfort? Is anyone truly comfortable with images of their mother or grandmother with her heels in the air squealing with delight? I don't know.


You can type "senior sex therapy" into your search box and find an article like this one. It's a good article, but notice how much of it is aimed at correcting physical ailments that curtail sex and how little is about the emotional/relational components. I suspect that says as much about the current state of knowledge as it does any conscious decision of what to report on.


Anyone know where to get one of those mats they used in the movie?

Great Movie: Unknown White Male

Saw a great movie. A documentary from Netflix called Unknown White Male.


It is the story of a man who lost his memory at age 30 and how his life proceeds for the next couple of years from there.


There are some incredible demonstrations of just how much we live a story of our lives rather than just living our lives. The parts we are given, the parts we take on in the "play" take over.


What if we were to just lose the script and had to live each day as it came to us?


This movie comes as close to showing what that might be like as without having to experience it ourselves.


Or, if we're really into being present for each moment with what has been described as continued freshness of appreciation, perhaps it would be more accurate to say "able to experience it."


Certainly would pump some new life into our relationships.

Projection In RelationshipsA Dangerous Concept?

The term projection describes a psychological defense mechanism in which we unconsciously ascribe our own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts onto someone else thereby defending ourselves from the bad feelings associated with thinking such things. And, we usually don't realize that we are doing it. Wikipedia talks about it here.


In the emotional hotbed of relationship we are often faced with our own harboring of difficult or even downright scary thoughts toward our partners. Give and take can be harder than it sounds in theory.


So when we are projecting, we believe that the negative intentions, conclusions, feelings are coming toward us from the other person.


This can lead to a double whammy in which we figure that we know what they are really thinking so we respond to that in an effort to defend ourselves as if we knew. At this this point things become so tangled up that no one can figure out what is really going on.


The danger in knowing about the concept of projection is that we will use it as a weapon creating great harm. Telling someone else that they must be projecting since we feel or think nothing that could lead to the way they are acting is deadly for a couple of reasons.

• If indeed they are projecting, they don't know it and telling them they are will only cause more anxiety and defense.


• Whatever they may be doing, we don't know whether we are projecting or not either.

I can hear Oliver Hardy telling Laurel "A fine kettle of fish you've gotten us into Stanley."


There is a way out of this mess. I'll tell you what I think it is later.

Making Friends . . . . Again

Making friends is something that some people seem to do in spite of themselves and other of us have to work at.


If you are a woman in the over 50 set and you want to make friends with men, you have an especially higher bar. The fact is that us guys don't live as long. I know that the gap is closing, but if you don't believe it is still there, just visit a seniors' apartment complex and look around.


Like everything else there are e-books on just how to do it. Like everything else, some are better than others. One you might want to check out can be found Here.


Looked usable to me, but then I'm not a woman. If you get it, let me know how it was for you.

$4 Gas and Other Sorrows

$4 gas is bad enough, but the strains that it can put on an otherwise shaky or just good enough relationship are the whipped cream and cherry on top.


If you have been thinking that putting some attention on your relationships, the economic situation should be giving you a boost. Especially for us older folks who either are or soon will be on fixed incomes, the inflation or interest-rate rise and recession that the governments of the world are facing will impact us a lot.


Working together gets harder and more important in these situations.

What's With CBT?

How can CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, really work? Does that mean just changing the way we talk can change the way we feel? And, if talking changes feeling, can we purposely feel in ways that build better relationships? I have a lot of years under my belt, isn't it too late? Can I really learn new ways to relate?


Well, yes and no. Not exactly no, but rather within ranges. Clearer now?


OK then. Try this example.


There was a study in which volunteers were asked to hold their hands in a bucket of ice water as long as they could. (It hurts.)

• As you might expect, some people did it for longer than others.


• The researchers divided the people into groups and then asked the people what they were thinking as they did it.


• The group that stayed in the ice water longest tended to report saying things like "This isn't so bad." "I can do it a little longer." etc.


• The group that stayed in the ice water the shortest said they were thinking things like "This is awful" "I can't stand it" etc.


• Then the researchers asked the people in the lowest group to say the same kinds of things to themselves that those in the highest group did and, voila, their times in the water went up significantly.


• Those who employed self-talk as a tool to improve their performance because the researchers told them to did not achieve the levels of success as those who used the same technique naturally, but they did do significantly better.


• We can only wonder whether they would have eventually caught up with the top group over time. There's no data on that.


• And, no, to the best of my knowledge they did not ask those in the highest group to change over to negative self-talk to see if it shortened their times in the water.

Is doing things that may not feel natural to us as we relate to others like putting our hands in ice water? Well, you'll have to answer that for yourself. It IS clearly harder for some people than others.


Can consistent application of positive, effective self-talk in the place of negative, destructive self-talk make us better in relationships? Yes, but it depends.


What it depends on is how good we are at identifying what it is in our thinking and talking that isn't working, how good we are at choosing the right alternative thinking and talking to replace it with, and how diligent we are at doing it.


Sound too cumbersome and too difficult? It all depends on what you compare it to. Bad relationships and/or divorce should be pretty hard to beat in the difficult cumbersome department. The choice is ours.


For more on cognitive behavioral approaches to relationships, click here.

SnoringaSenior Affliction?

It's no secret that snoring can either start or get worse as we get older. Whether this is just coming along with the weight gain that also tends to happen as we get older or it is something else, I don't know.


What I do know is that snoring can put a relationship in a very tense/tired state even if it doesn't completely wreck it. Sleeping in the basement usually doesn't go along with a good sex life for example. And, if one of you isn't there it becomes impossible to take advantage to small simple moments to connect.


There are things you can do about snoring. It's worth looking into them.


Snoring can also be a sign of sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a medical condition that can affect blood pressure, weight, energy levels, and even the chances of getting into traffic accidents. It also is a medical condition that can be treated.


So, snoring is one of those things that may seem relatively harmless in itself that can also be warning us of something else that is more serious. (As in the early warning that erectile dysfunction can give of circulatory system problems.)

Alcohol Problems = Relationship Problems

The reason that alcohol problems = relationship problems is simple. The alcohol becomes an emotional affair. And a sexless one at that. More on that Here.


There may not be another man or woman, but it is an intimate relationship wrecker nonetheless.


And guys, the older we get the more likely the booze is to lead to erectile dysfunction.


But watch out! If there is anything harder to see clearly about ones self, I don't know what it is. OK OK, I know there are some pretty close runners up, but still . . . . you get the idea

Revenge Affairs

Dr. Bob Huizenga has recently written about what he calls the Revenge Affair as one of the identifiable types of infidelity. What is it?

The obvious answer is that when your partner has had an affair, you get back at him or her by having one of your own. Simple, right? Well, yes and no, because I think that emotional revenge or distancing can happen in a number of ways using a number of tools.

Can you be untrue to your relationship by how you relate to:

• your children?


• your grandchildren?


• your job?


• your hobby?


• your humanitarian causes?

I think that you can. It all depends on how you do it, what your intention is, and how it affects your partner.

Worth some thought? That's up to you.

Aging and Relationships

Healthy, happy aging and relationships go together. In a way it makes sense. I mean if we let ourselves become old grouches that probably doesn't do much either for us or for those around us.


The best observable evidence of the aging<->relationships connection (after just looking around ) was provided by some long term studies that began in the late 1930's and have followed the subjects ever since. You can read more about the Study of Adult Behavior at the Harvard Medical School by Dr. Vaillant HERE.


Truthfully, I can't see how one can tell for sure whether the "stable relationships" that the researchers found in people who lived the longest and the healthiest were causative, where the effect of one of the other variables, or even whether staying with the same person for a long time is in and of itself a good goal.


Still, relationships were definitely in there and on that alone it is worth a look and some attention.

Male Enchancement E-Mails

What's the deal with all these "male enhancement" e-mails? "Make your lady love you."


Can I really do that with a vacuum pump? The love you part, I mean. Actually, the increased penis size is a pretty dicey claim too, but let's leave that out for now.


Are these people serious in thinking that any reasonably mature guy thinks that what his relationship needs is a bigger penis. I know what you're thinking ladies so I'll say it for you.


Since that's where his brains seem to be, maybe a bit more volume there would lead to some smarter behavior. Right?


--------------------


Wake up people! You don't have to be John Gottman or Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil or Lonnie Barbach or Bernie Zilbergeld to know that that is not what women are asking for.


On the other hand, it would be a lot simpler than talking and listening.


But, don't forget this - - -
Somebody must be buying this crap or they wouldn't keep sending the emails.


Please, stop buying penis pumps and expanding pills so that my bulk mail box stops filling up every day. It's enough.

How's The Viagra Working?

How's the Viagra working for building a better relationship? The women in the ads look like the one thing that they were missing from their partner was a hard penis. Is that really true?


I have never heard, nor have I heard of, a woman complaining about how her male partner just isn't hard enough for her to be happy. I have heard and heard about, over and over, things about communication, being understood, having undivided attention, etc.


There has been some rattling around on the net lately about how curing erectile dysfunction can actually put new pressure on the relationship because what wasn't a problem before or for a while (physical intimacy/sex) now becomes an issue. And the issue isn't whether he has a hard penis to insert where ever he can, whenever he can, however he wants to. In fact, that may have been a problem in the first place.


Apparently, there isn't a way around the relationship thing. Even with drugs that are only a tiny bit short of priapism.


Get the relationship right and the Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra will be great too. Just be sure to apply the attention, the cures, or whatever you do, in that order.


You do have to turn on the radio before you can tune in the channel and listen to the music.

Byron Katie , Loving What Is forBetter Relationships Over 50

When things start to get all tangled up and even I can't figure out what I am thinking and feeling I like to turn to "Loving What Is", a simple and powerful book by Byron Katie.


In it, she guides us through writing down the answers to four simple questions. It's quite straight forward and deceptively simple. Watch out! You may find some pretty basic assumptions and beliefs have re-sorted/re-thought themselves by the time you're done.


Give it a look. I have written more about this on my website www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com in the relationship books section.

Better Relationships: Begin With the End in Mind

If you want better relationships, begin with the end in mind. That's the advice of Stephen Covey in his 1989 book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Check out the visualization at the start of his description of habit #2 on page 96. If that one doesn't bring up any areas that you want to do better in when it comes to relationships, you're doing great. Keep up the good work.




For the rest of us, this habit of visualizing as clearly as we can exactly how we want things to be in three years, three months, or three days is incredibly powerful.




One way to think of this that has been helpful to me is to imagine sitting down to watch a video tape of myself in a variety of relationship situations after it's over. Who's there? What's happening? What am I saying, doing, thinking, feeling? How does it feel to watch it? Do I want to do some editing? Would I like to erase the whole thing and start over?




This was the basic idea of an obscure, but entertaining and thought provoking movie by Albert Brookes Defending Your Life. In addition to Brookes it stars Meryl Streep and Rip Torn. You'll probably find it shelved with comedies, but don't let that put you off. As Mary Poppins said "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."




If this idea of sitting down and watching the video with an eye to how you'll act right now appeals to you, this movie is definitely worth a look.

Mindfulness Practice: . . Vital For Us Seniors' Relationships .

Mindfulness practice could arguably be called vital for seniors' relationships.


Relationships thrive when we focus on the here and now, but what do you do when you have so much "there and then?" The baggage has a way of getting heavier and heavier as the trip goes on. At some point lugging all that stuff becomes just too much.


How many times hav you heard someone recount a slight or a hurt from their partner that sounds like it happened yesterday,only tolearn it was 11 or 18 or 27 years ago? How many times have we done the same thing ourselves? Never? Good.


Having some mindfulness practice that we daily can keep us in the present, a great place to be when relating to our loved ones. Things are so much easier when we can let our memories of the past and our worries about the future stay out of our experience of right now.

Alcohol Problems Over 50 are Relationship Problems

Alcohol problems become relationship problems very quickly and aging makes us more likely to have alcohol problems.


Why? Because our body's ability to deal with the alcohol seems to go down with age making the same amount of alcohol have a greater effect as we get older.


The slip toward drinking too much for us, too much for maintaining our relationships, can really sneak up on us. First, it happens slowly so it may not be noticeable for a long time. And, second, there's something about alcohol use that makes it incredibly difficult to see trouble brewing in ourselves.


As we get older, it is not a bad idea to look at some of the screening questions that professionals ask in assessing risk of alcohol problems. You can find some basic ones here.


Also, it's all relative.


An alcohol counselor friend once told me that the simplest screening is just to ask someone how much they drink. I asked him if they wouldn't tell you a lower amount than they really drink. His response surprised me. I thought he'd say that they have some tricky way to ask or some factor they increase the amount by or something. He said, "People with drinking problems rarely think they have drinking problems and therefore they almost always give an accurate account of how much they drink because they don't see it as abnormal."


So, we aren't likely to see alcohol problems in ourselves, but there are tools to help us take a better look.

Mindfulness Practice For Seniors: . . . . . . A Skeleton Key? ..................or A Waste Of Time?

Mindfulness practice of one kind or another probably offers more help in difficult and changing times than anything else someone could suggest. Why?


Mindfulness practice is totally generic and at the same time it is totally personal.

• The only belief that it starts with is that the answer to whatever we're asking is there to be found, if we'll only stop talking and stop thinking long enough to allow it to be observed.


• Whatever we observe, experience, come to, will necessarily come through us in the right form and way for us.

Next time someone tries to tell you that they know exactly what you should do in your relationships, in your sex life, in your thoughts, they may be telling you exactly the right thing, . . . . but that will probably be for them.


Mindfulness practice is the generic tool that returns the specific solution.

Senior Sex Study: Talk To Your Doctor

I just uploaded a video to Youtube titled Senior Sex Study: Talk To Your Doctor, based on the New England Journal of Medicine August 2004 article on elderly sex behavior and attitudes.


It's awful, but it's on there!


They say that your first video will be your worst video and this one had better fit that bill. Whew! None of it is really that hard, but putting it all together was a lot harder than I had expected.


There's nothing new in it, but here it is ---



Still is a good message though. I am afraid that I would have been one of those who didn't talk about sex with doctors if I hadn't had prostate cancer, surgery, catheters, Viagra, pumps, etc. Don't make it come to that for you to talk with them. Give the young medicos some hope for their own future sex lives. Talk to them.

Sex Problems Over 50

Are couples' sex problems better/worse or different over 50? Or, are they the same, but life changes just make them seem different.


A psychologist friend has often told me about a study she read 20 or 30 years ago ( she doesn't remember and can't find it now ) in which women were asked what they preferred to do with men and what they preferred to do with women. Heterosexual women were pretty consistent in saying that sex was the ONLY thing that they preferred to do with men. Everything else they'd rather do with female friends.


Oh man! That explains a lot. I guess. If it's right. If they didn't ask lousy questions.


There's so much more to sex than sex. If you don't believe that, just ask a guy who's had his prostate removed and they couldn't save all or most of the nerves. You still have feeling in your penis, you just can't shove it into any available orifice. All of a sudden everything else about sex besides friction becomes the deciding factor in how it all works out.


At least that's how it has seemed to me. And, I have been embarrassed, surprised, ashamed, confused, ( you name it ) about what a klutz I have always been on all that important stuff. Took cancer to figure out how much of a problem I had/have. Probably wouldn't have admitted it otherwise.


If you've ever looked at my website www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com you already know that I've been reading, thinking, meditating, talking with people on this topic for a long time. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm working on it.

Are There Any Good Reasons for Affairs?

There definitely are reasons for affairs, and depending on who is talking they may even be good reasons, but they are never more than that: reasons.


OK, we've gone outside the relationship to fulfill wants/needs (again a perspective thing which word you choose) and we have reasons that we did it. We still have put our primary relationship at mortal risk and we haven't done anything to move ourselves forward.


Professionals who specialize in affairs and their aftermath have plenty to say about reasons. You can get a good view of that by clicking here.


I find it rather chilling to read from a professional's eye-view of what kinds of traits and weaknesses I might be displaying by using a particular reason for infidelity.


Of course they care about this stuff because my reasons tell them about my inner short circuits and crossed wires and give them a way to help me get it back together and not do it again.


Still, those reasons sound so real and so good to me. I guess that sometimes when we're drowning it's hard to recognize the life ring when it is thrown right to us.


Reasons. Hmmm!




Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The reasons for affairs someone gives can often help us remember who's the crazy one when we are in the middle of a big mess and aren't sure how we got there and are even thinking maybe it was our fault. Which is why it's a good idea for anyone to read up on the topic to read. One good source is right here.

He/She Would Never Do That

Why would he/she never do that? Why would I never do something? talk about something? consider something?

My own personal list is pretty long, and pretty mundane

• it will make me look bad


• I won't be able to do it well and I will look bad


• it will embarrass me


• it will bring up strong feelings that I won't be able to handle


• I will really like it and my partner will be disgusted


• it will hurt


• it is stupid


• it is immoral, illegal, bad, bad, bad


• etc.

So, . . . . what does this tell me? Not sure really. I guess that there are plenty of "reasons" to do or not do something and most of them are worthy of discussion and consideration. Especially between two people who care about each other.


www.better-relationships-over-50.com

Power in Relationships Over 50

I suspect that allocation of power in relationships over 50 is a bigger issue than many people realize. No matter how the equilibrium was for much of its duration, it is likely that this will change dramatically as children leave, work schedules change, and along with it finances.


In spite of the fact that change brings new opportunities, not many of us seem to really like it. Not only don' we like it, we fight it.


Whether it is about having run the homefront as you like and now having a spouse around putting toilet paper rolls on backward or worse, or it is about choosing where and how you'll eat lunch or any of a number of similar freedoms/powers/responsibiities, it is hard not to feel intruded on.


Of course we can and would gain by just stepping up and working these things out,too often we don't. So, what's to be done?


What has worked for you?

No Sex Anymore?

What happens when older couples just sort of sign out of sex? Do they talk it over? Does it just happen? Do they both want to give it up? If it's just one, does he/she want to other to continue to engage in it somehow?


I don't know. So much of that is private; until it tumbles out by accident. Then you hear "oh, he'd never do that" or "my wife would never do that." She's usually talking about his talking about something or going to counseling or learning something sensual. He's usually talking about some form of non-vanilla or kinky sex.


It's hard not to wonder what the real story is. How do we get so far into our stories that we know what our partners wouldn't do?


Years ago I was talking with a couple of friends and the woman was complaining that the man ran everything and she was sick of it. I asked if they'd ever thought of taking a weekend or a week and having her run everything. He sat up in his chair and said 'I'd do that' and just a quickly she looked at me and said no. He shut up and so did I. What was he thinking? What was she thinking? What was I thinking?


I only have an inkling of what I was thinking and even that I don't remember that well. I just thought that doing something different might be fun. What he hoped would happen if she took charge remains his secret as does whatever image she had that made her say no so fast.

Are We Just Getting Tired In Our Relationships?

Sometimes I wonder if many relationship problems that come along with getting older aren't an outgrowth of just getting weary.


I vividly remember watching a friend wrestle for the state championship. In the last 30 seconds of the last round it was tied and he and the other wrestler went round and round and round and finally Danny just stopped going around. The other guy won.


Later I asked him if he just got tired of the whole thing and he said "yeah".


I suspect that one of the risks of getting older is that we may just decide that we've been around this this circle enough and the heck with it. I know that I find myself getting more tempted all the time.




I think it's a big mistake. After all, it aint over til its over, so we better play on.

Personal Differences in Relationships

Personal differences are simply a fact of life. No two people are exactly alike, even identical twins.


And, we often find that very attractive . . . . at first.


Unfortunately, as time goes on what we initially saw as stability starts to feel a lot more like rigidity and what was a charming creativity may look like irresponsibility and disorder.


Of course the other person hasn't changed at all. It's just how we are looking at them.


Dealing with the meanings we place on things in our lives is the realm of cognitive psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) and/or one of the several forms of mindfulness practice.


If our partner is bugging us with his or her bullheaded determination to stick with a point of view or a way of doing things that makes no sense at all, maybe it is time to look at ways of increasing our own ability to accept and appreciate differences

Survive the Affair

Affairs deliver a huge body blow to any relationship, whether they are

• suspected, but not proven


• have recently been discovered


• are still going on


• have recently stopped

or . . . .


• occurred a long time ago, but the hurt, confusion, and lack of trust live on.

They aren't something that anyone can reasonably be expected to know what to do about, whatever role you are in. It just isn't that kind of thing.




Which is why I support getting and using advice information from a professional who has spent years working with people in the throes of affairs and their effects. A readily available and affordable source can be checked out by clicking HERE.




And do me a favor, would you? Tell me what you think of both the free information that you find there and any of the services and products that you may buy too. It looks quite good to me, but everyone has their own specific needs.

Infidelity In A Nutshell

You can't put infidelity in a nutshell. It's as simple as that.

Back when the assumption was that women were chattel and that messing with another man's woman was messing with his property it probably was simpler. I don't know.

But now? Wow!! There are old fashioned affairs. There's cheating. There are emotional affairs. There are internet affairs.

I got access to a very good article on the topic recently. You can find a link to it and to other good stuff on the topic at www.better-relationships-over-50.com.

The author pretty much covers the waterfront on the topic of infidelity.

Infidelity Article

Check out this article on infidelity.

I've signed up for this guy's free course and have found it to be quite solid and with value in and of itself.

Of course he doesn't tell you everything he knows. He saves that for courses that he sells, but there is good, actionable stuff in what he sends out too. Certainly enough to decide whether this is a source that feels right to you.

Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is So Strong

When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc.

No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.

Here are six reasons why you might want to know.

1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened.

Your partner says, "Yes, I was with him/her on that day." You think, "Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about." Or, "I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it...or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn't.

2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn't when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings.

And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: "What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn't I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?"

Sexual interaction is a "window to the soul." Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner's inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you.

3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there?

This question is important for the "I can't say no" and the "I don't want to say no" types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner.

4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy.

I hear someone say, "This is weird, but sex for us is better, more frequent and more intense than it ever has been." Knowing the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies.

5. It's a connection - maybe one of few. There may be a great deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes a focal point.

You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing.

And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need for drama. This is especially true of someone who "fell out of love...and just loves being in love."

Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants to "twist the knife."

6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical well-being.

The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of the above circumstances fit you.

Learn how NOT to blow it. Clear your mind! Get Relief! Sign up now for Dr. Huizenga's Free E-course...

Avoid the Killer Mistakes saying "I love you" using Dr. Laura/Bible suggesting joint counseling saying "I've changed" and more... That prolong the affair and your misery FREE E-Mail E-Course intro to breaking free from the affair... from Dr. Huizenga Sign up Now! Name: Email: privacy policy Add bob@bobhuizenga.com to your email address book and/or adjust your spam filter to receive download instructions. Thanks.

Once you receive his thought provoking resources you can visit his sites at: www.break-free-from-the-affair.com and his blog at www.infidelity-help.com

 

Emotional Infidelity?

The term "emotional infidelity" implies that one can be emotionally untrue to one's relationship commitments even if physically we remain "clean as a hound's tooth".

Is that true? And even if it is, so what?

Well . . . . . it's clearly a matter of opinion, but I think that, yes, that can happen. And . . . . when we are relating to others in intimate ways, we are either getting closer and deeper or we are drifting apart. There's no standing still. If you don't believe me, read Alice in Wonderland (or Alice's Adventures Underground or whatever the proper title is.)

So, yes it's true. What does it look like?

Some, but not all, of the telltale signs are if you are

• sharing personal things with someone who is not your partner


• AND . . . this sharing is done without the knowledge of your partner


• if it involves telling things about your partner, it is even stronger

If you are meeting someone after work to share problems at home, before the two of you go home, as innocent as it may seem, it has trouble written all over it.

Watch out! Emotional infidelity with or without accompanying physical contact is very dangerous, very hurtful to the left out partner, and very very hard to heal after it has come out. For more on the healing, check out the article HERE.

The first place, best place, (if not necessarily the easiest place), to talk out, work on, consider, handle emotionally charged issues, problems, concerns is with your intimate partner . After that, and only after that, input from other people may be helpful.

Affairs and Airplane Crashes

Affairs are deadly things when it comes to relationships. And that goes for ones that are happening now and the ones that were over last week and the ones that were over 10 or 20 years ago.

A quick look at the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists' website on the topic contains references to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) type reactions, especially from the partner who was left for another and especially if they were taken by surpise and didn't know it was happening.

But once it's upon you, what do you do then? Eh?

Everything is off kilter. Most of us in such a situation wouldn't be completely clear which way was up and which down. And those of us who thought we did, would very likely be wrong. Not unlike an airplane pilot who gets disoriented.

For airplanes and relationships the response is pretty much the same. In the airplane they teach you to put your attention on the instruments, level the wings, and put the nose on the horizon. Forget about everything else until that is in order.

Of course if somehow you've been in a power dive pointing straight at the ground and you have had enough altitude and skill to get the wings level and the airplane in level flight, neither climbing or descending, nothing else seems very important for quite a while.

Same with the relationship under intense pressure. Back to basics and let the details be taken care of in their own time. Deep breath. Feet on the ground. Get yourself back in touch with what you believe. Work through what you feel, Act in integrity with that. Fly straight and level for a while before you set about doing anything. Just be there. With yourself. With your partner.

Avoid anyone or anything that is telling you that you just have to to anything else. You'll know what you want to do in time. And it will be right, . . . for you. Take care of you.

For some excellent advice and/or support in this area, check out Dr. Robert Huizenga's stuff by clicking here.

Keep a light hand on the controls until things are settled down enough that you can make decisions from a place of knowing and strength.

Racetrack Breathing for Relationship Bliss?!

No, racetrack breathing isn't what you do to not have a panic attack while the horse you put all your money on is straggling along in last place. It's something even I can do when things get tangled up.

It is something that I came across while I was trying to apply some mindfulness attention technique to a stressful relationship situation.

The notion that our partners will do exactly whatever we need to work through our own hang-ups is very useful, in principle. It is very useful,. . . if you can do it. It is very useful, . . . if you can stop saying "but,. . . but,. . . but . . . this is different."

There I was trying to keep my attention on the energy ricochetting around in my chest, when I found myself watching my breathing go round and round, throught the big ball of whatever in my chest. I noticed it was going in the shape of a racetrack with the turns at the top and bottom of the breath.

I figured it couldn't hurt to just keep doing it and see what happened. Eventually, things started to change, finally slowing down, softening up, and letting me see my part in the whole brouhaha. And it WAS mine. No doubt about about it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm onto something here. I'll keep you posted.

Now I'm just trying to figure out if and how it can fit into the discussion of conscious relationships over 50 at my website.

I've always been the guy who after the sermon, or the pep talk, or after reading the book, . . . is standing outside the room asking, "But what do I actually DO?" This one even I could figure out. I hope it keeps working.

Better not get too excited yet. It's just a lucky fluke right now.