Love In The Time of Alzheimer's

NPR had a show this morning responding to the news report of Sandra Day O'Connor's husband having a relationship with a fellow patient in an Alzheimer's facility and her acceptance of that. The experts filled us in on the brain, aging, dementia and facilities and caregivers are doing. Pretty eye opening stuff.

They were talking about how the person with dementia may remember nothing of his or her past, including spouses and children, but be quite capable of forming and enjoying intimate relationships in their present situation. The parts of the brain that handle love aren't the same as the ones for memory. Hmmm. They say that these people live quite fully in the present moment.

Living in the present moment is a goal of many people and credited with bringing great clarity and peace to those who achieve it. Does it follow that if I meditate long enough and gain present moment awareness, I may forget my spouse and children and enter into whatever relationship brings me joy in the present? Or is that reserved for dementia? Is it black and white? Or, is there a gray zone?

Just wondering.

Senior Sex - What? Get creative? Now?

Aging seems to have a bottomless bag of tricks sometimes.

One thing is for sure, things just keep changing. And that's kind of rough since most of us are so relieved to find something that works for us that we want to do it over and over and free up some attention for other things.

Well, even if our minds want to do it that way, when it comes to sex, our bodies are not going to let it happen. I guess we'd better get used to it.

Got a list of things that you'd never do? I am starting to suspect that if we try to keep that too tight, the older we get, the higher the odds become that sex itself will become one of the things that we never do.

Doesn't have to be that way. God, give me strength to let go and enjoy what I've got.

Divorce Is A Tough Deal At Best

No matter how you slice it or dice it, divorce is hard on everyone involved. Maybe it is the best that you can do, but don't get the idea that it is easy or a positive step forward as some divorce lawyers' webites would have you believe.

Before you talk to divorce lawyers or mediators, get yourself a course in the realities of getting divorced

• financial
  
• emotional
  
• children
  
• odds of getting right the second time.
  

Remember that they are in the business of getting you divorced, not saving marriages. Don't expect them to be able to answer questions that are rightly only answered by you. Should you divorce? Yours/What will it cost? Theirs/How will it affect your children? Yours/ etc.

It is a lot cheaper financially and emotionally to do everything you can to
save your marriage before you head for the lawyer's office.

And, let's not forget both the spiritual costs and opportunities afforded by this intensely personally challenging situation. There are excellent resources available to save your Christian marriage.

In one of my favorite quotes that is usually misquoted, Grantland Rice (a great sports writer from the 1930's) said: "When you meet that great scorekeeper in the sky, he will ask you not if you won or lost, but how you played the game."

Also, for those of you in the AARP age range, I have a growing website that talks about these kinds of things too www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com/divorce.html. I don't purport to have all the answers (or even all the questions), but it is an honest attempt to put out some good stuff.

A Change of Heart - Save Your Relationship

Ever been in the middle of something and wondered to yourself, 'What am I doing here?'


Relationships can stand a good dose of that every now and then too. What the heck am I doing?


A friend told of hustling around one night putting her kids to bed, brushing teeth, putting laundry in hampers, hurrying the laggards and the pillow fighters, when her youngest asked, "Mommie, did you forget that you love us?"


How many times have I forgotten that I love you? (Don't count. Just remember.) Let a change of heart lead the way to getting more of what you want.

Emotional Intelligence and Relationships

In his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, PhD, says that if you had to boil it down to just one thing that makes marriage work it would have to be emotional intelligence.

And, emotional intelligence roughly defined is simply being aware of what we ourselves are feeling in a given situation, making a reasonably accurate guess about what others in the situation are probably feeling, and taking the two into account before moving forward. (There are whole books on the topic. Forgive me if I narrowed it down too far.)

Notice how much easier this is to do with people about whom you know a great deal, hence the usefulness of things like Michael Webb's 1,000 Questions For Couples which give those of us with a bit of hesitancy enough structure to get into the thing without strangling us.

Infidelity- Do You Want to Catch a Cheat?

There are people who can tell you how to catch a cheating spouse and if you are sure that's what you want to do, I encourage you to click on that link and go for it.

However, that's a pretty big "if you are sure" back there. And, it isn't really asking if you want to get the facts out on the table ever. The point is to ask if you are ready to deal with what you may find or not find now.

Either way --> they-are-having-an-affair or they-aren't-having-an-affair-but-aren't-being-a-lover-with-you <--, you are at the beginning of something, not the end. Finding out guilt or innocence isn't even the half of it.

So, before you break out the computer spy programs, semen detectors, reverse phone call programs, and the "exact words to get them to spill the beans", make sure you are ready for the next step(s).

Are You a Lover?

In his book about sex and relationships in the last third or so of our lives Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld found that there is a lot more sex going on in this age group than our children and grandchildren care to know about. That was good. That was a relief. That makes sense.

But Zilbergeld is a renowned expert on the subject of sex NOT on relationships. And, as it turns out, not that great at doing relationships himself by his own admission. So what did he find there?

He found a lot as it turns out and he describes details of relationships that are great and getting better in site of age, illness, and all that. The key, according to Dr. Zilbergeld is being a "lover". And it sounds great to be a lover. These are the folks who regularly turn lemons into lemonade in their relationships. Great to hear.

What the good doctor does NOT tell us, to my being able to understand and take action at least, is how us admitted non-lovers can make the necessary moves to join the ranks of the lovers. Perhaps that void has to be filled from elsewhere (especially since Bernie Zilbergeld died shortly after finishing the book.)

While there are no panaceas I have been looking at sources like 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships and to my surprise and relief finding some helpful stuff. Give it a look. Maybe you will too.

Sex, Snoring, and Separate Bedrooms

Snoring must be a common problem judging from the number of pillows, ear plugs, sprays, and pills that are showing up in stores. Somebody thinks we need that stuff.


They say that it gets worse with age. What doesn't?


It is a sleep killer for anyone who sleeps with a snorer, that's for sure. What it does to the closeness of the relationships is more up for grabs. For some it is a real problem. Others seem to just find it an irritation. Back to that old saw that - it all depends on how you look at it.


Do the pillows, noseclips, etc. work? From my own experience, some of them work sometimes. Right now I'm putting my money on throat/jaw/tongue exercises.


Oh yeah, still using the other stuff too. If I can't stop snoring all together, I figure it's best for my intimate relationship to be doing everything I can. I am looking at the topic of snoring in greater depth on my seniors' relationships website.

Infidelity in Relationships Over 50

Infidelity may seem less likely as we get older, and there are logical reasons why this is could be so, but by this point in our lives habits and unresolved personal baggage can have a way of counteracting lessening of hormonal push. Sex may not be quite so compulsive, but the need to feel important and/or appreciated can be higher.

The core of dealing with cheating or fear of cheating in long term relationships is keeping the quality of the primary relationship high and keeping our mood and intention positive.

Sometimes, gnawing doubts make that almost impossible to do. If you think that a cheating spouse or partner may be what's affecting your relationship, before you call the private investigator you might want to educate yourself on how to read signs of infidelity giving yourself a fair chance to get your own personal inner work straight on the topic before confronting it with your partner.

You have lots more choices when you know what's going on.

Senior Dating

Senior dating may just be the stealth topic of the new century, what with all the fluidity in relationships and increasing life expectancies we're seeing here.

Most of us move too quickly in this regard. Probably because the whole endeavor is full of nervousmaking parts, we tend to want to get through it and on to the "real thing."

The flaw in that approach of course is that everything we do is the real thing and the only point at which we are alive is right here right now.

So, dating as an art and an experience in and of itself is under-appreciated. If you're over-50 and single, you might want to consider giving it a new look.

David Burns wrote a charming book on the topic a number of years ago called Intimate Connections.

There are some opening comments about what not to do if you do decide to datehere.

Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - relationship resource

Just had a friend tell me that I was ignorant of a major source of excellent information and support in the area of mindfulness would fit right in with my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com and it's mindfulness meditation page.

A quick trip to Barnes & Noble and a skimming of The Power of Now makes me both happy to have found this and embarrassed that it took me this long.

Haven't had time to study it, but it looks very good and may "make the penny drop" for some people who don't quite "click" with Michael Brown's Presence Process. I am still a Brown fan, but this looks like a good addition.

Any comments on either or both would be appreciated.

Erectile Dysfunction Following Radical Prostatectomy

Getting your prostate taken out isn't the most positive thing that can happen in the last third of your life, but given the alternative when there is cancer growing in there isn't so hot either. Nerve sparing surgery has a pretty good record for getting you out more or less as you went in, on the outside at least.

Still, depending on a lot of things there is a very real chance that you will end up with erectile dysfunction due to the physical damage or incontinent. Someone told me that it depends a lot on the surgeon and that there are times of the year not to have the surgery in the big hospitals because that is when the new residents are doing their first surgeries. I don't know. I do know that with early detection you do have time to do some research. Check it out.

However it turns out you are going to need to work well with your partner to get the most out of what you've got once everything heals. For a discussion of relationships and erectile dysfunction, go here.

Fixing Relationship Problems? Maybe Not The Best Plan

Got a relationship problem? Roll up your sleeves and go to work on that sucker. Talk it over, analyze it, work it out. RIGHT???

If you ignore problems, they just get worse. RIGHT??

Well, yes and no.

If your relationship isn't running on all cylinders you're going to know it, because you're going to have problems. True. Putting your attention on the problem, however, doesn't have a very good success record.


Have you ever watched kids playing soccer and wondered why so many times they kick the ball right to the goalie? They want to put the ball into the goal, but they have a problem. Their problem is that there is a player standing there who does not want them to get the ball into the goal. What they tend to do is get their attention locked onto the obstacle and when they kick, it goes right where they don't want it to go. With intention and enough practice it is possible for them to learn to focus on where they want the ball to go, into an empty space inside the goal, and their effectiveness goes up, but it is hard to learn.

It's the same thing with relationships. Focus on problems and that's where we'll end up, right in the arms of the problems. Focus on where we want to be and our chance of getting there goes way up.

Get more information on specific ways that this can be done for relationships here.

Senior FLR's?

Can't help but wonder how many senior couples actually have a female led relationship, (FLR). There are a few blogs on the topic that are reasonably well written (better than this one, but that isn't too hard).

There is a logic to it happening. The empty nest brings relationship strains that were easier to sweep under the rug or work around when there were kids to care for and transport are brought out into the open, and it brings freedom to work out your own solutions.

For some people (I have no idea how many) that seems to be for the partner with the more natural focus on relationships to just take it over, to be the officer-in-charge of the interactions between the two.

And, for some guys (again, how many I have no idea) there is a sexual turn-on in being subordinate to a woman. So far, a win-win, but don't forget the male's greater tendency toward fetish. How far into the "side-show", "comic book-like" world of femdom are most women likely to be willing to go, even in the context of building a better relationship? (Again, I have no idea.)

Interesting idea? There is a general discussion of power in relationships here.

Stages In Relationships Over 50

Stages in relationships in third last third or so of our lives? Are you kidding me? The concrete set more than a couple of years ago. We know what the other one is going to say or do on any given topic before they do.

Or, so it might seem at times, but equilibria are made to be upset and "I know what you're going to say" is just waiting to be surprised.

The thing is that many changes start small and slow. Sort of like the first little sprout that comes up out of the dirt when a seed first sprouts.

In the case of relationships, that little new sprout is often a trial balloon of sorts. It's put up there just a little bit to see if anyone notices. When we are finishing each other's sentences and filling in each other's thoughts we may feel close and comfortable, but we are also missing chances to keep new things happening.

Know each other so well that things are boring? Try listening and noticing for a change.