Relationship Power Anyone?

The topic of power in relationships isn't a comfortable one for most people. Can you really have a conscious relationship if you aren't conscious of the power trade offs, the power plays, the power allocation, the power sharing in yours?

Do couples start behind the relationship 8-ball because there are two people in each?

What might couples learn if for one weekend, one week, one month, one year, one of them was the openly and agreed to be the dominant one the other submissive and then they reversed it?

Which role would be harder to really get into? Which do you think would be harder for you? . . . . for your partner? Which one do you think your partner would be harder for you? Which do you think would be harder for her or him to completely take on?

How do you envision yourself taking total or near total control of how things run with the two of you? . . . . and your partner? If you had visions of black leather and complete obedience, would you be able to admit it? If you had visions of Ozzie and Harriet, would you own up to that?

Would you really do it? Or, would you fudge? Would you be afraid of what might happen if you really were in charge? (Within previously agreed on limits of course.) What would it be like to be totally submissive?

If you saw an ad for a two part/two weekend workshop led by a licensed mental health professional, would you go? Would your partner? Do you wish they would? What do you think that you might learn about yourself? About your partner? What are you afraid you might learn? What do youl hope you'd learn?

Separation Anyone? Check This Out!

What do you do if your spouse says they want a separation? that they want to move out? that they don't love you any more? that they aren't sure they ever did?

Whew! And you're thinking "I must have missed that chapter when I read the book. What the heck do you do?"

For an interesting and inspiring story of what one woman (and eventually one couple did,) check out this New York Times article on a separation. Note carefully that the well meaning advice of family and friends was NOT what led to the positive outcome!

One thing that is clear is that the author of the article had a solid set of beliefs about relationships, people, and her relationship. Whether on purpose, by osmosis, or just luck, something kept her on an even keel through the storm.

When we are over-50, relationships have their fair share of baggage. This can be stabilizing or de-stabilizing. From this article I get the sense that it is clearly possible to make the time and shared experiences our allies when the relationship "boat" gets tippy.

Sanford Infidelity Expanding Our Understanding?

Governor Sanford's infidelity has certainly gotten a lot of attention, but what is all the outrage, shock, and finger pointing about really? If we're not Mrs. Sanford or one of their children, what's it to us?

As Byron Katie has pointed out, there are only three kinds of problems - - my problems, your problems, and God's problems; and two of those categories are not our business. If we are staying with our own business, it seems odd that on a personal level infidelity, cheating spouses, and adultery elicit anything other than sadness, discouragement, or confusion. People are human after all.

And yet people are angry. What is different about how react to it in people in leadership positions? Why are we angry when we hear about their cheating on their spouses? Why do we act as if they have done something to us similar to what they have done to those accepted their commitment?

A way of looking at it that struck a chord with me was expressed in the Daily Tar Heel newspaper at the University of North Carolina today that asserted that the core issue in infidelity is one of whether this person is able to place keeping a commitment above self interest or not. In the case of a public official we are concerned that they are able to manage their desires well enough to fulfill their commitments to all of us.

I like that. We put this person in a position of trust that does affect us and they have shown us that they aren't up to keeping that kind of promise.

Of course it doesn't even start to address how one is most likely to be successful at meeting that high, admirable, and ( I think ) appropriate standard given that we are (as previously mentioned just in case you had forgotten) . . . . human.

Apparently faith wasn't enough for Governor Sanford, though without questioning his sincerity, demonstrably he still fell short.

Of course no one knows, but at this point my suspicion is that our efforts to be good people and to try to deny and suppress those parts of ourselves that are capable of doing bad things is at the heart of the problem.

You can find more consideration of this and related topics with particular focus on those of us old enough to know better but alive enough to still do dumb things at my website, www.better-reationships-over-50.com.

What's With Politicians and Infidelity?

The marital infidelity of politicians makes it to the top of the heap in just about any news medium.  We seem to be unable to get enough of such stories.  Aside from gossip and perhaps seeking a way to get some leverage against a politician we don't like, what's in it for us?

As it turns out there can be lots in the stories of adultery by prominent people for all of us.  These are powerful people who have a great deal to lose by cheating on their spouses.  It makes no sense.

I don't think that President Clinton,  Governor Spitzer,  Senator Ensign, or Governor Sanford sat down one day and said "I think that today I will do something obviously stupid and wrong that is likely to destroy my family, my self-esteem, and my career."  They might as well have, but they probably didn't.

Somehow, they figured that it made sense or that the rules did not apply to them or that they wouldn't get caught.  It's easy to laugh at the kid with ADD who says he won't do his homework because the school might burn down tonight,  but this looks a lot like the adult equivalent.  It's easy to see the folly in the criminal's belief that the rules don't apply to him,  but this can be the equivalent just in a different way.

The big lesson for the rest of us most likely is that when it looks like a reasonable risk to break our promises and the rules of society, there probably is a short circuit in our psyche somewhere and it is time for a cooling off period.  Time to just stop and put a space between our impulse and action.

These are not things that only bad people, stupid people, immoral people - - ( in other words people who are not like us ) do;  though these actions are bad, stupid, and immoral and people who do them earn those labels. 

There is no shortage of relationship advice available nor is there a shortage of information about the dangers of infidelity or societal warnings against it.

Clearly there is great danger in the possibility of straying in adultery, infidelity, cheating,  against which none of us is immune.   It is not about someone else. 

We had darned well better be willing to spend time and effort to attend to our mental/emotional/moral health  and  the health of our relationships

before we find ourselves needing infidelity advice.

Are Senior Relationships Mostly Chickens Coming Home To Roost?

Are most senior relationships either monuments to "settling" or just plain awful . . . or is it just the crowd I am aware of? Or, . . . . do we just not care as much about anything as we get older? As a group are we a stable boring bunch or cynical cheaters, adulterers, backroom porn customers, lonely drinkers . . . . or is there something better somewhere else that everyone knows about that I missed when I last looked around?

I certainly do not claim to know the answers to this, but I do know that people look at me kind of funny when I say that I prefer to do things with my wife, that I don't have side conversations about which I don't tell her, that we are as involved in all aspects of our lives as we were when we first met.

Over a quarter century ago now a favorite aunt was waxing eloquent one evening about how one settles into a relationship in such a way that sex and love are assumed and don't need to be affirmed all the time. To which her husband, arguably as perfect a gentleman as I have ever met, spoke up saying "If that is your idea of marriage then I say that your idea of marriage is a crock of shit." That really got my attention especially since I had never heard him talk that way.

I recounted the story to another aunt who smiled and said "Yes. He is and always has been a genuine romantic." I already knew that she and her husband were real romantics too. They both assured me that they had their share of arguments and didn't agree on everything, that they just did it behind closed doors, but I never saw a hint of that. Just genuine affection and mutual respect. If they said they kept that even when they were angry with each other, I believed it. I still do.

I chose to pursue the latter. Truthfully it has been quite a challenge, but not one I intend to back away from. And that's where it stands now.

Alcohol Kills Relationships: are you having an affair with the bottle?

Alcohol problems kill relationships. It's as simple as that. Check out the page that that lead sentence links to and you can find some straight dope from a variety of sources. It isn't all that encouraging news, but what is is.

So, that ol' devil booze messes us and our families up. We've heard that more than a few times, but we don't have a problem with it, me and you, do we? It's those other guys who get out of control.

Not so quick! Unfortunately, as we get older, it takes less alcohol to have bigger effects on us. It sneaks up on us and what was just fine ten years ago can be over the top now. I don't know about you, but when I went through some of the self-screening checklists it made me think a bit more carefully about how I use alcohol.

Not fair you say? Well of course not. Neither is needing less calories to maintain the same weight, but that's the way it is. What are you going to do about it?

There are all kinds of infidelity and they don't necessarily involve other people. Is drinking your affair? Check it out.

How To Have An Affair?

Want to know all the ins and outs of how to have an affair? Just ask the magic internet.

Of Course there are websites on how to have an affair! Why not? Afterall, it's not kinky sex, drugs, or firearms, so let's put it up there and see how much money we can make.

On second thought, it very well could be kinky sex, drugs, or firearms if you give it enough time.

Holding the belief that solid, exciting relationships are among the best things in this life, especially as we get older, I can't really tell who's the crazy one here : me, the people who put these sites up, or their readers. Maybe everyone. Maybe no one.

Who knows, but it seems pretty crazy to me.

Coping With Infidelity

Infidelity happens . . . a lot (if published statistics can be trusted.)

Even if you cut the estimates that are thrown about in half, it's still a lot. Too much for something that is so corrosive to everyone involved.

So, once you know it has happened, how do you cope? You do have to cope whether--

• it is still going on right now
• it has just ended
• it was 23 years ago and it never quite goes away.

There is quite good information on the things you have to accomplish to cope with infidelity.

The problem that I see is that even when you have determined what you need to do, you still are left with how to do it.

And, the "how to" part is the sticking point. Each of us steps into these emotionally charged situations with our own baggage (our own history, our own beliefs, and our own type of social support.) That means that while knowing that we have to accomplish "a", "b", and "c" to come out the other side back on our feet, reasonably sane, the actual path that we walk in doing it has to be fit to us.

One size does not fit all.