Survive the Affair

Affairs deliver a huge body blow to any relationship, whether they are

• suspected, but not proven


• have recently been discovered


• are still going on


• have recently stopped

or . . . .


• occurred a long time ago, but the hurt, confusion, and lack of trust live on.

They aren't something that anyone can reasonably be expected to know what to do about, whatever role you are in. It just isn't that kind of thing.




Which is why I support getting and using advice information from a professional who has spent years working with people in the throes of affairs and their effects. A readily available and affordable source can be checked out by clicking HERE.




And do me a favor, would you? Tell me what you think of both the free information that you find there and any of the services and products that you may buy too. It looks quite good to me, but everyone has their own specific needs.

Infidelity In A Nutshell

You can't put infidelity in a nutshell. It's as simple as that.

Back when the assumption was that women were chattel and that messing with another man's woman was messing with his property it probably was simpler. I don't know.

But now? Wow!! There are old fashioned affairs. There's cheating. There are emotional affairs. There are internet affairs.

I got access to a very good article on the topic recently. You can find a link to it and to other good stuff on the topic at www.better-relationships-over-50.com.

The author pretty much covers the waterfront on the topic of infidelity.

Infidelity Article

Check out this article on infidelity.

I've signed up for this guy's free course and have found it to be quite solid and with value in and of itself.

Of course he doesn't tell you everything he knows. He saves that for courses that he sells, but there is good, actionable stuff in what he sends out too. Certainly enough to decide whether this is a source that feels right to you.

Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is So Strong

When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc.

No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.

Here are six reasons why you might want to know.

1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened.

Your partner says, "Yes, I was with him/her on that day." You think, "Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about." Or, "I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it...or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn't.

2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn't when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings.

And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: "What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn't I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?"

Sexual interaction is a "window to the soul." Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner's inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you.

3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there?

This question is important for the "I can't say no" and the "I don't want to say no" types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner.

4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy.

I hear someone say, "This is weird, but sex for us is better, more frequent and more intense than it ever has been." Knowing the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies.

5. It's a connection - maybe one of few. There may be a great deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes a focal point.

You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing.

And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need for drama. This is especially true of someone who "fell out of love...and just loves being in love."

Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants to "twist the knife."

6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical well-being.

The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of the above circumstances fit you.

Learn how NOT to blow it. Clear your mind! Get Relief! Sign up now for Dr. Huizenga's Free E-course...

Avoid the Killer Mistakes saying "I love you" using Dr. Laura/Bible suggesting joint counseling saying "I've changed" and more... That prolong the affair and your misery FREE E-Mail E-Course intro to breaking free from the affair... from Dr. Huizenga Sign up Now! Name: Email: privacy policy Add bob@bobhuizenga.com to your email address book and/or adjust your spam filter to receive download instructions. Thanks.

Once you receive his thought provoking resources you can visit his sites at: www.break-free-from-the-affair.com and his blog at www.infidelity-help.com

 

Emotional Infidelity?

The term "emotional infidelity" implies that one can be emotionally untrue to one's relationship commitments even if physically we remain "clean as a hound's tooth".

Is that true? And even if it is, so what?

Well . . . . . it's clearly a matter of opinion, but I think that, yes, that can happen. And . . . . when we are relating to others in intimate ways, we are either getting closer and deeper or we are drifting apart. There's no standing still. If you don't believe me, read Alice in Wonderland (or Alice's Adventures Underground or whatever the proper title is.)

So, yes it's true. What does it look like?

Some, but not all, of the telltale signs are if you are

• sharing personal things with someone who is not your partner


• AND . . . this sharing is done without the knowledge of your partner


• if it involves telling things about your partner, it is even stronger

If you are meeting someone after work to share problems at home, before the two of you go home, as innocent as it may seem, it has trouble written all over it.

Watch out! Emotional infidelity with or without accompanying physical contact is very dangerous, very hurtful to the left out partner, and very very hard to heal after it has come out. For more on the healing, check out the article HERE.

The first place, best place, (if not necessarily the easiest place), to talk out, work on, consider, handle emotionally charged issues, problems, concerns is with your intimate partner . After that, and only after that, input from other people may be helpful.

Affairs and Airplane Crashes

Affairs are deadly things when it comes to relationships. And that goes for ones that are happening now and the ones that were over last week and the ones that were over 10 or 20 years ago.

A quick look at the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists' website on the topic contains references to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) type reactions, especially from the partner who was left for another and especially if they were taken by surpise and didn't know it was happening.

But once it's upon you, what do you do then? Eh?

Everything is off kilter. Most of us in such a situation wouldn't be completely clear which way was up and which down. And those of us who thought we did, would very likely be wrong. Not unlike an airplane pilot who gets disoriented.

For airplanes and relationships the response is pretty much the same. In the airplane they teach you to put your attention on the instruments, level the wings, and put the nose on the horizon. Forget about everything else until that is in order.

Of course if somehow you've been in a power dive pointing straight at the ground and you have had enough altitude and skill to get the wings level and the airplane in level flight, neither climbing or descending, nothing else seems very important for quite a while.

Same with the relationship under intense pressure. Back to basics and let the details be taken care of in their own time. Deep breath. Feet on the ground. Get yourself back in touch with what you believe. Work through what you feel, Act in integrity with that. Fly straight and level for a while before you set about doing anything. Just be there. With yourself. With your partner.

Avoid anyone or anything that is telling you that you just have to to anything else. You'll know what you want to do in time. And it will be right, . . . for you. Take care of you.

For some excellent advice and/or support in this area, check out Dr. Robert Huizenga's stuff by clicking here.

Keep a light hand on the controls until things are settled down enough that you can make decisions from a place of knowing and strength.

Racetrack Breathing for Relationship Bliss?!

No, racetrack breathing isn't what you do to not have a panic attack while the horse you put all your money on is straggling along in last place. It's something even I can do when things get tangled up.

It is something that I came across while I was trying to apply some mindfulness attention technique to a stressful relationship situation.

The notion that our partners will do exactly whatever we need to work through our own hang-ups is very useful, in principle. It is very useful,. . . if you can do it. It is very useful, . . . if you can stop saying "but,. . . but,. . . but . . . this is different."

There I was trying to keep my attention on the energy ricochetting around in my chest, when I found myself watching my breathing go round and round, throught the big ball of whatever in my chest. I noticed it was going in the shape of a racetrack with the turns at the top and bottom of the breath.

I figured it couldn't hurt to just keep doing it and see what happened. Eventually, things started to change, finally slowing down, softening up, and letting me see my part in the whole brouhaha. And it WAS mine. No doubt about about it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm onto something here. I'll keep you posted.

Now I'm just trying to figure out if and how it can fit into the discussion of conscious relationships over 50 at my website.

I've always been the guy who after the sermon, or the pep talk, or after reading the book, . . . is standing outside the room asking, "But what do I actually DO?" This one even I could figure out. I hope it keeps working.

Better not get too excited yet. It's just a lucky fluke right now.

Giving Up On Senior Relationships or Just Getting Started?

Sometimes when I hear friends and acquaintances talk about their spouses I get the feeling that they have given up and decided to ride it out.

In the words of somebody whose name I can't remember, "hold fast your dreams'. Because as someone once told me Vince Lombardi really said in his famous quote 'winning isn't everything, but doing what you have to to win is'.

So there you have it. One quote without an author and an author without a verified quote. Sorry.

Still, I for one like the ideas. Maybe we aren't supposed to be looking just at the scoreboard (as important as that is on this plane.) Maybe indeed the great scorekeeper in the sky keeps several. Who knows?

So, hang in there, go for it, and don't necessarily figure you're going to find the goal line in this game.

At least that what it looks like from here the deeper I get into reading, talking, and doing intimate relationship.

Talking to Doctors About Senior Sex

In the study of sex in people over 57 years old that was published in the New England Journal of Medicine last August, one of the findings was that only 38% of people in the sample had ever talked with a doctor about sex. (When I mentioned that to a doctor, he replied that his guess, at least here in Massachusetts, would have been half that.)

Which is kind of funny, because as we get older the "machinery" changes. We can't just take things for granted anymore and sometimes the convergence of blood flow, lubrication, and psychological excitement just doesn't all come together at the right time. But there is help with many if not most of these kinds of things and there is more knowledge and more possible intervention all the time.

Not only that, erectile dysfunction can be an early warning of impending heart and circulation problems, even earlier than more traditional measures.

There are lots of good reasons to let the doctor know what you are experiencing, wondering, fearing as you get older.

Also, many drugs have loss of libido as a side effect. Don't let the doctor assume that because you are older, you don't care about sex anymore and it won't matter how your sex life is affected, just get the blood pressure down or whatever. And that includes solo sex too.

Look, if some young physician is shocked that people want and enjoy sex throughout their lives it's time someone break it to them. You'll be doing them a favor.

Fungus Toenails

As we get older our immune systems apparently get weaker. Why? How? I don't know, but it is a topic I plan on learning more about. As that progresses I'll post some notes here and on my website www.better-relationships-over-50.com

Anyway, this leads to our becoming more prone to letting some of the multitude of organisms that surround us get more than a healthy amount of shared space and energy within our bodies.

A prime and obvious example is the fungus that finds the space between our nails and the nail beds on our toes and fingers such a nice, safe place to grow. The fungus has a good home and it is almost impossible to get fungicidal medicines in there to kill them or at least fight them back.

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This kind of infection has its medical problems, effects, and treatments, but that isn't what I am addressing here. My question is -

How do fungus nails make you feel?

Do they contribute to your feeling old? less attractive? not attractive?

Do they make you less likely to - wear sandals? walk barefoot?

Do they affect how you feel sexually?

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They are one of those things that won't kill you, but they do affect lives. And while they won't kill you, there is an internal medicine that you can take, but it doesn't have a 100% success rate and the potential side effects are serious.


Leaving us with one of those difficult treatment decisions that modern medicine seems to be making less rare with each new advance. There's a cure, but it doesn't always work and, oh by the way, sometimes the medicine has effects that are worse than the disease. There are natural remedies put forth, but do they work? Do I have the time and self-discipline to keep doing them long enough?

What's a person to do?

Save Your Marriage . . . .before it's too late!

Something about the concept of saving a marriage just never seems to quite settle in with me. I've written some thoughts about it here and other places such as my website www.better-relationships-over-50.com and at another site called www.alumbo.com


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I guess we don't fix the roof until it rains or change to the snow tires until a storm is on the way. I don't know.

Seems like we should probably start saving our marriages before we get home from the ceremony.

Relationship StressOr, Should That Be . . .Relationship Is Stress?

What relationship is not stressful to some degree or another? It has to be. There are two separate beings in it.

While it is common for us to enter relationships to meet our needs, to fill in our perceived gaps, to feel better, we most often forget that the other person is doing exactly the same thing.

The result is stress. The pieces don't fit together and it takes positive intention and attention, to build the union into a new and realistic thing that can accomplish the goals that we have set out for it.

That can be either good or bad. In the best form of the inherent stress we both learn and evolve together. It is supposed to be happening this way. However, in the worst form, when one or both parties to the relationship resist the insights and accommodations and changes that relationship calls for, it can be pretty awful.

The best course of action seems to be to view it as an opportunity and a positive challenge and to go from there. There is a more complete discussion of this at www.better-relationships -over-50.com