Great Movie: Unknown White Male

Saw a great movie. A documentary from Netflix called Unknown White Male.


It is the story of a man who lost his memory at age 30 and how his life proceeds for the next couple of years from there.


There are some incredible demonstrations of just how much we live a story of our lives rather than just living our lives. The parts we are given, the parts we take on in the "play" take over.


What if we were to just lose the script and had to live each day as it came to us?


This movie comes as close to showing what that might be like as without having to experience it ourselves.


Or, if we're really into being present for each moment with what has been described as continued freshness of appreciation, perhaps it would be more accurate to say "able to experience it."


Certainly would pump some new life into our relationships.

Projection In RelationshipsA Dangerous Concept?

The term projection describes a psychological defense mechanism in which we unconsciously ascribe our own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts onto someone else thereby defending ourselves from the bad feelings associated with thinking such things. And, we usually don't realize that we are doing it. Wikipedia talks about it here.


In the emotional hotbed of relationship we are often faced with our own harboring of difficult or even downright scary thoughts toward our partners. Give and take can be harder than it sounds in theory.


So when we are projecting, we believe that the negative intentions, conclusions, feelings are coming toward us from the other person.


This can lead to a double whammy in which we figure that we know what they are really thinking so we respond to that in an effort to defend ourselves as if we knew. At this this point things become so tangled up that no one can figure out what is really going on.


The danger in knowing about the concept of projection is that we will use it as a weapon creating great harm. Telling someone else that they must be projecting since we feel or think nothing that could lead to the way they are acting is deadly for a couple of reasons.

• If indeed they are projecting, they don't know it and telling them they are will only cause more anxiety and defense.


• Whatever they may be doing, we don't know whether we are projecting or not either.

I can hear Oliver Hardy telling Laurel "A fine kettle of fish you've gotten us into Stanley."


There is a way out of this mess. I'll tell you what I think it is later.

Making Friends . . . . Again

Making friends is something that some people seem to do in spite of themselves and other of us have to work at.


If you are a woman in the over 50 set and you want to make friends with men, you have an especially higher bar. The fact is that us guys don't live as long. I know that the gap is closing, but if you don't believe it is still there, just visit a seniors' apartment complex and look around.


Like everything else there are e-books on just how to do it. Like everything else, some are better than others. One you might want to check out can be found Here.


Looked usable to me, but then I'm not a woman. If you get it, let me know how it was for you.

$4 Gas and Other Sorrows

$4 gas is bad enough, but the strains that it can put on an otherwise shaky or just good enough relationship are the whipped cream and cherry on top.


If you have been thinking that putting some attention on your relationships, the economic situation should be giving you a boost. Especially for us older folks who either are or soon will be on fixed incomes, the inflation or interest-rate rise and recession that the governments of the world are facing will impact us a lot.


Working together gets harder and more important in these situations.

What's With CBT?

How can CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, really work? Does that mean just changing the way we talk can change the way we feel? And, if talking changes feeling, can we purposely feel in ways that build better relationships? I have a lot of years under my belt, isn't it too late? Can I really learn new ways to relate?


Well, yes and no. Not exactly no, but rather within ranges. Clearer now?


OK then. Try this example.


There was a study in which volunteers were asked to hold their hands in a bucket of ice water as long as they could. (It hurts.)

• As you might expect, some people did it for longer than others.


• The researchers divided the people into groups and then asked the people what they were thinking as they did it.


• The group that stayed in the ice water longest tended to report saying things like "This isn't so bad." "I can do it a little longer." etc.


• The group that stayed in the ice water the shortest said they were thinking things like "This is awful" "I can't stand it" etc.


• Then the researchers asked the people in the lowest group to say the same kinds of things to themselves that those in the highest group did and, voila, their times in the water went up significantly.


• Those who employed self-talk as a tool to improve their performance because the researchers told them to did not achieve the levels of success as those who used the same technique naturally, but they did do significantly better.


• We can only wonder whether they would have eventually caught up with the top group over time. There's no data on that.


• And, no, to the best of my knowledge they did not ask those in the highest group to change over to negative self-talk to see if it shortened their times in the water.

Is doing things that may not feel natural to us as we relate to others like putting our hands in ice water? Well, you'll have to answer that for yourself. It IS clearly harder for some people than others.


Can consistent application of positive, effective self-talk in the place of negative, destructive self-talk make us better in relationships? Yes, but it depends.


What it depends on is how good we are at identifying what it is in our thinking and talking that isn't working, how good we are at choosing the right alternative thinking and talking to replace it with, and how diligent we are at doing it.


Sound too cumbersome and too difficult? It all depends on what you compare it to. Bad relationships and/or divorce should be pretty hard to beat in the difficult cumbersome department. The choice is ours.


For more on cognitive behavioral approaches to relationships, click here.

SnoringaSenior Affliction?

It's no secret that snoring can either start or get worse as we get older. Whether this is just coming along with the weight gain that also tends to happen as we get older or it is something else, I don't know.


What I do know is that snoring can put a relationship in a very tense/tired state even if it doesn't completely wreck it. Sleeping in the basement usually doesn't go along with a good sex life for example. And, if one of you isn't there it becomes impossible to take advantage to small simple moments to connect.


There are things you can do about snoring. It's worth looking into them.


Snoring can also be a sign of sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a medical condition that can affect blood pressure, weight, energy levels, and even the chances of getting into traffic accidents. It also is a medical condition that can be treated.


So, snoring is one of those things that may seem relatively harmless in itself that can also be warning us of something else that is more serious. (As in the early warning that erectile dysfunction can give of circulatory system problems.)

Alcohol Problems = Relationship Problems

The reason that alcohol problems = relationship problems is simple. The alcohol becomes an emotional affair. And a sexless one at that. More on that Here.


There may not be another man or woman, but it is an intimate relationship wrecker nonetheless.


And guys, the older we get the more likely the booze is to lead to erectile dysfunction.


But watch out! If there is anything harder to see clearly about ones self, I don't know what it is. OK OK, I know there are some pretty close runners up, but still . . . . you get the idea

Revenge Affairs

Dr. Bob Huizenga has recently written about what he calls the Revenge Affair as one of the identifiable types of infidelity. What is it?

The obvious answer is that when your partner has had an affair, you get back at him or her by having one of your own. Simple, right? Well, yes and no, because I think that emotional revenge or distancing can happen in a number of ways using a number of tools.

Can you be untrue to your relationship by how you relate to:

• your children?


• your grandchildren?


• your job?


• your hobby?


• your humanitarian causes?

I think that you can. It all depends on how you do it, what your intention is, and how it affects your partner.

Worth some thought? That's up to you.

Aging and Relationships

Healthy, happy aging and relationships go together. In a way it makes sense. I mean if we let ourselves become old grouches that probably doesn't do much either for us or for those around us.


The best observable evidence of the aging<->relationships connection (after just looking around ) was provided by some long term studies that began in the late 1930's and have followed the subjects ever since. You can read more about the Study of Adult Behavior at the Harvard Medical School by Dr. Vaillant HERE.


Truthfully, I can't see how one can tell for sure whether the "stable relationships" that the researchers found in people who lived the longest and the healthiest were causative, where the effect of one of the other variables, or even whether staying with the same person for a long time is in and of itself a good goal.


Still, relationships were definitely in there and on that alone it is worth a look and some attention.

Male Enchancement E-Mails

What's the deal with all these "male enhancement" e-mails? "Make your lady love you."


Can I really do that with a vacuum pump? The love you part, I mean. Actually, the increased penis size is a pretty dicey claim too, but let's leave that out for now.


Are these people serious in thinking that any reasonably mature guy thinks that what his relationship needs is a bigger penis. I know what you're thinking ladies so I'll say it for you.


Since that's where his brains seem to be, maybe a bit more volume there would lead to some smarter behavior. Right?


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Wake up people! You don't have to be John Gottman or Dr. Ruth or Dr. Phil or Lonnie Barbach or Bernie Zilbergeld to know that that is not what women are asking for.


On the other hand, it would be a lot simpler than talking and listening.


But, don't forget this - - -
Somebody must be buying this crap or they wouldn't keep sending the emails.


Please, stop buying penis pumps and expanding pills so that my bulk mail box stops filling up every day. It's enough.

How's The Viagra Working?

How's the Viagra working for building a better relationship? The women in the ads look like the one thing that they were missing from their partner was a hard penis. Is that really true?


I have never heard, nor have I heard of, a woman complaining about how her male partner just isn't hard enough for her to be happy. I have heard and heard about, over and over, things about communication, being understood, having undivided attention, etc.


There has been some rattling around on the net lately about how curing erectile dysfunction can actually put new pressure on the relationship because what wasn't a problem before or for a while (physical intimacy/sex) now becomes an issue. And the issue isn't whether he has a hard penis to insert where ever he can, whenever he can, however he wants to. In fact, that may have been a problem in the first place.


Apparently, there isn't a way around the relationship thing. Even with drugs that are only a tiny bit short of priapism.


Get the relationship right and the Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra will be great too. Just be sure to apply the attention, the cures, or whatever you do, in that order.


You do have to turn on the radio before you can tune in the channel and listen to the music.

Byron Katie , Loving What Is forBetter Relationships Over 50

When things start to get all tangled up and even I can't figure out what I am thinking and feeling I like to turn to "Loving What Is", a simple and powerful book by Byron Katie.


In it, she guides us through writing down the answers to four simple questions. It's quite straight forward and deceptively simple. Watch out! You may find some pretty basic assumptions and beliefs have re-sorted/re-thought themselves by the time you're done.


Give it a look. I have written more about this on my website www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com in the relationship books section.