Better Relationships: Begin With the End in Mind

If you want better relationships, begin with the end in mind. That's the advice of Stephen Covey in his 1989 book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Check out the visualization at the start of his description of habit #2 on page 96. If that one doesn't bring up any areas that you want to do better in when it comes to relationships, you're doing great. Keep up the good work.




For the rest of us, this habit of visualizing as clearly as we can exactly how we want things to be in three years, three months, or three days is incredibly powerful.




One way to think of this that has been helpful to me is to imagine sitting down to watch a video tape of myself in a variety of relationship situations after it's over. Who's there? What's happening? What am I saying, doing, thinking, feeling? How does it feel to watch it? Do I want to do some editing? Would I like to erase the whole thing and start over?




This was the basic idea of an obscure, but entertaining and thought provoking movie by Albert Brookes Defending Your Life. In addition to Brookes it stars Meryl Streep and Rip Torn. You'll probably find it shelved with comedies, but don't let that put you off. As Mary Poppins said "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."




If this idea of sitting down and watching the video with an eye to how you'll act right now appeals to you, this movie is definitely worth a look.

Mindfulness Practice: . . Vital For Us Seniors' Relationships .

Mindfulness practice could arguably be called vital for seniors' relationships.


Relationships thrive when we focus on the here and now, but what do you do when you have so much "there and then?" The baggage has a way of getting heavier and heavier as the trip goes on. At some point lugging all that stuff becomes just too much.


How many times hav you heard someone recount a slight or a hurt from their partner that sounds like it happened yesterday,only tolearn it was 11 or 18 or 27 years ago? How many times have we done the same thing ourselves? Never? Good.


Having some mindfulness practice that we daily can keep us in the present, a great place to be when relating to our loved ones. Things are so much easier when we can let our memories of the past and our worries about the future stay out of our experience of right now.

Alcohol Problems Over 50 are Relationship Problems

Alcohol problems become relationship problems very quickly and aging makes us more likely to have alcohol problems.


Why? Because our body's ability to deal with the alcohol seems to go down with age making the same amount of alcohol have a greater effect as we get older.


The slip toward drinking too much for us, too much for maintaining our relationships, can really sneak up on us. First, it happens slowly so it may not be noticeable for a long time. And, second, there's something about alcohol use that makes it incredibly difficult to see trouble brewing in ourselves.


As we get older, it is not a bad idea to look at some of the screening questions that professionals ask in assessing risk of alcohol problems. You can find some basic ones here.


Also, it's all relative.


An alcohol counselor friend once told me that the simplest screening is just to ask someone how much they drink. I asked him if they wouldn't tell you a lower amount than they really drink. His response surprised me. I thought he'd say that they have some tricky way to ask or some factor they increase the amount by or something. He said, "People with drinking problems rarely think they have drinking problems and therefore they almost always give an accurate account of how much they drink because they don't see it as abnormal."


So, we aren't likely to see alcohol problems in ourselves, but there are tools to help us take a better look.

Mindfulness Practice For Seniors: . . . . . . A Skeleton Key? ..................or A Waste Of Time?

Mindfulness practice of one kind or another probably offers more help in difficult and changing times than anything else someone could suggest. Why?


Mindfulness practice is totally generic and at the same time it is totally personal.

• The only belief that it starts with is that the answer to whatever we're asking is there to be found, if we'll only stop talking and stop thinking long enough to allow it to be observed.


• Whatever we observe, experience, come to, will necessarily come through us in the right form and way for us.

Next time someone tries to tell you that they know exactly what you should do in your relationships, in your sex life, in your thoughts, they may be telling you exactly the right thing, . . . . but that will probably be for them.


Mindfulness practice is the generic tool that returns the specific solution.

Senior Sex Study: Talk To Your Doctor

I just uploaded a video to Youtube titled Senior Sex Study: Talk To Your Doctor, based on the New England Journal of Medicine August 2004 article on elderly sex behavior and attitudes.


It's awful, but it's on there!


They say that your first video will be your worst video and this one had better fit that bill. Whew! None of it is really that hard, but putting it all together was a lot harder than I had expected.


There's nothing new in it, but here it is ---



Still is a good message though. I am afraid that I would have been one of those who didn't talk about sex with doctors if I hadn't had prostate cancer, surgery, catheters, Viagra, pumps, etc. Don't make it come to that for you to talk with them. Give the young medicos some hope for their own future sex lives. Talk to them.

Sex Problems Over 50

Are couples' sex problems better/worse or different over 50? Or, are they the same, but life changes just make them seem different.


A psychologist friend has often told me about a study she read 20 or 30 years ago ( she doesn't remember and can't find it now ) in which women were asked what they preferred to do with men and what they preferred to do with women. Heterosexual women were pretty consistent in saying that sex was the ONLY thing that they preferred to do with men. Everything else they'd rather do with female friends.


Oh man! That explains a lot. I guess. If it's right. If they didn't ask lousy questions.


There's so much more to sex than sex. If you don't believe that, just ask a guy who's had his prostate removed and they couldn't save all or most of the nerves. You still have feeling in your penis, you just can't shove it into any available orifice. All of a sudden everything else about sex besides friction becomes the deciding factor in how it all works out.


At least that's how it has seemed to me. And, I have been embarrassed, surprised, ashamed, confused, ( you name it ) about what a klutz I have always been on all that important stuff. Took cancer to figure out how much of a problem I had/have. Probably wouldn't have admitted it otherwise.


If you've ever looked at my website www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com you already know that I've been reading, thinking, meditating, talking with people on this topic for a long time. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm working on it.

Are There Any Good Reasons for Affairs?

There definitely are reasons for affairs, and depending on who is talking they may even be good reasons, but they are never more than that: reasons.


OK, we've gone outside the relationship to fulfill wants/needs (again a perspective thing which word you choose) and we have reasons that we did it. We still have put our primary relationship at mortal risk and we haven't done anything to move ourselves forward.


Professionals who specialize in affairs and their aftermath have plenty to say about reasons. You can get a good view of that by clicking here.


I find it rather chilling to read from a professional's eye-view of what kinds of traits and weaknesses I might be displaying by using a particular reason for infidelity.


Of course they care about this stuff because my reasons tell them about my inner short circuits and crossed wires and give them a way to help me get it back together and not do it again.


Still, those reasons sound so real and so good to me. I guess that sometimes when we're drowning it's hard to recognize the life ring when it is thrown right to us.


Reasons. Hmmm!




Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The reasons for affairs someone gives can often help us remember who's the crazy one when we are in the middle of a big mess and aren't sure how we got there and are even thinking maybe it was our fault. Which is why it's a good idea for anyone to read up on the topic to read. One good source is right here.

He/She Would Never Do That

Why would he/she never do that? Why would I never do something? talk about something? consider something?

My own personal list is pretty long, and pretty mundane

• it will make me look bad


• I won't be able to do it well and I will look bad


• it will embarrass me


• it will bring up strong feelings that I won't be able to handle


• I will really like it and my partner will be disgusted


• it will hurt


• it is stupid


• it is immoral, illegal, bad, bad, bad


• etc.

So, . . . . what does this tell me? Not sure really. I guess that there are plenty of "reasons" to do or not do something and most of them are worthy of discussion and consideration. Especially between two people who care about each other.


www.better-relationships-over-50.com

Power in Relationships Over 50

I suspect that allocation of power in relationships over 50 is a bigger issue than many people realize. No matter how the equilibrium was for much of its duration, it is likely that this will change dramatically as children leave, work schedules change, and along with it finances.


In spite of the fact that change brings new opportunities, not many of us seem to really like it. Not only don' we like it, we fight it.


Whether it is about having run the homefront as you like and now having a spouse around putting toilet paper rolls on backward or worse, or it is about choosing where and how you'll eat lunch or any of a number of similar freedoms/powers/responsibiities, it is hard not to feel intruded on.


Of course we can and would gain by just stepping up and working these things out,too often we don't. So, what's to be done?


What has worked for you?

No Sex Anymore?

What happens when older couples just sort of sign out of sex? Do they talk it over? Does it just happen? Do they both want to give it up? If it's just one, does he/she want to other to continue to engage in it somehow?


I don't know. So much of that is private; until it tumbles out by accident. Then you hear "oh, he'd never do that" or "my wife would never do that." She's usually talking about his talking about something or going to counseling or learning something sensual. He's usually talking about some form of non-vanilla or kinky sex.


It's hard not to wonder what the real story is. How do we get so far into our stories that we know what our partners wouldn't do?


Years ago I was talking with a couple of friends and the woman was complaining that the man ran everything and she was sick of it. I asked if they'd ever thought of taking a weekend or a week and having her run everything. He sat up in his chair and said 'I'd do that' and just a quickly she looked at me and said no. He shut up and so did I. What was he thinking? What was she thinking? What was I thinking?


I only have an inkling of what I was thinking and even that I don't remember that well. I just thought that doing something different might be fun. What he hoped would happen if she took charge remains his secret as does whatever image she had that made her say no so fast.

Are We Just Getting Tired In Our Relationships?

Sometimes I wonder if many relationship problems that come along with getting older aren't an outgrowth of just getting weary.


I vividly remember watching a friend wrestle for the state championship. In the last 30 seconds of the last round it was tied and he and the other wrestler went round and round and round and finally Danny just stopped going around. The other guy won.


Later I asked him if he just got tired of the whole thing and he said "yeah".


I suspect that one of the risks of getting older is that we may just decide that we've been around this this circle enough and the heck with it. I know that I find myself getting more tempted all the time.




I think it's a big mistake. After all, it aint over til its over, so we better play on.

Personal Differences in Relationships

Personal differences are simply a fact of life. No two people are exactly alike, even identical twins.


And, we often find that very attractive . . . . at first.


Unfortunately, as time goes on what we initially saw as stability starts to feel a lot more like rigidity and what was a charming creativity may look like irresponsibility and disorder.


Of course the other person hasn't changed at all. It's just how we are looking at them.


Dealing with the meanings we place on things in our lives is the realm of cognitive psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) and/or one of the several forms of mindfulness practice.


If our partner is bugging us with his or her bullheaded determination to stick with a point of view or a way of doing things that makes no sense at all, maybe it is time to look at ways of increasing our own ability to accept and appreciate differences