When You Don't Know What You're Doing, the Sky's the Limit

Yeah, but what about when you do know what you're doing? . . . . . .
I am not totally sure, but I suspect it includes mediocracy, rigidity, fighting the last war, missing new opportunities, not seeing the writing on the wall. The list goes on and on. It applies to all kinds of endeavors, not the least of which is relationships.

As we age, we change. Yet, how many of us look at our relationships and see what's right here, right now?

It is so easy to not see that "what we've always done" is not working. It can be even easier to see that there are things that we have never done, perhaps even things that "we don't do" that would be just perfect now.

Chairman Mao apparently killed a lot of people in his effort to shake up Chinese culture in this regard and get out of this kind of energetic, creative straitjacket. Lots of pain and suffering resulted. What do you do to re-energize the creative forces of a whole nation? I don't know.

I do know that the best work-around for this inevitable trap that I have come across is in practicing some form of mindfulness as described on my website http://www.better-relationships-over-50.com/ . (When I first wrote that page I thought that it was just a form of meditation, hence the current title of the page, but I have since become aware of the work of Dr. Langer at Harvard who does not describe her version of mindfulness as meditation, but, rather, a kind of noticing, so I will be broadening what I refer to as mindfulness.

Internet Infidelity

If a relationship is only on the internet and no real life contact is ever made, is it an affair?

That clearly is a matter of opinion and the answer depends on the meaning you place on the word "affair".

If an affair, a case of infidelity, is a "go-directly-to-divorce-court" card, then I would say that an internet relationship would better not be categorized as an affair. It will undermine the primary relationship. It will let off pressure that would best be dealt with in the primary relationship. It doesn't help anything in the long run and is likely to lead to some real time trouble.

And, it isn't fair. You don't even really know who is on the other end of that wire in the first place. Also, they don't have to deal with all of the parts of a real relationship, so they can seem to be better than they really are. And even if they are truly wonderful people, they just don't have to deal with as much with you.

It's not unlike one partner going to a therapist and then judging the other partner from there. It isn't fair either. Sure the therapist is more understanding and appreciative. They get to see you an hour a week and then go home to their own problems.

Ah, what about being with a partner who is repelled by your sexual kinks so you leave them alone on that, getting your needs met by imaginary relationships with more open-minded folk you ask? Same principles hold, but that one is a little more complicated, isn't it? Still, these kinds of things are telling us what we need to deal with in ourselves, not what our partners should do or that we need new partners.

Internet relationships? Tempting, but better left alone. Or, use them to highlight what you'd like to get more in your real relationships, but never count them as the real McCoy.

Coping With Divorce Over 50

Coping with divorce at any age is no bed of roses. Once we're over 50 a new factor may come into our consciousness.

It is a biological clock ticking away. This time it isn't reserved for the ladies and about babies. It is all about us and it's telling us that our time is limited and our options are narrowing.

This is just as it should be in the overall scheme of things, but it can be pretty unnerving on a personal level.

The trick, of course, is to use it as focusing reality. There's lots to do and each of us can use the time we have or just lose it. Divorce at this age is very likely a distraction from important personal business in my present view. Maybe not. Any thoughts?

Divorce: Stay? or Go?

We're not going to live forever. Maybe it's time to give up on this marriage and enjoy what time we have left. Or, maybe we can keep this marriage and enjoy what time we have left. Or . . . ?

Bailing out and looking for a last chance better deal may sound logical and it may turn out to be right, but it is a decision that carries and incredible number of entanglements with it.

It makes sense find an orderly way to work through the decision and to know the options for working with what you have if you decide to stay and to do it right if you decide to go.

You might want to check out resources such as the downloadable "Should You Stay or Should You Go" by clicking here to help with how to go about it. Not only figuring what you should take into account, but how to go at it.

Retirement Is A New Deal For Relationships

One or both of you is home more now. That's great! Or is it?

Busy people can find lots of good reasons, lots of good ways, to never get around to dealing with things that bother them. Jobs, kids, maintenance. There hasn't been enough time for so long.

And, even though I read somewhere that in a recent poll over 70% of men between the ages of 28 to 40 said they would take a pay cut to have more time with their families, they don't have the time at those ages.

The chickens come home to roost sooner or later.

If it's sooner, somebody just walks out the door. In this age of no-fault divorce, that's pretty simple to do.

If it's later, it rears it's head with retirement or slowing down of one or both partners.

Don't be surprised. Don't be ashamed. It happens. .. . . . A lot.

Be ready. Take it as a new phase of your ongoing relationship cycle and wonder what new experiences lie ahead this time around the circle.

Attraction and Knowledge

How we think we are going to like someone we haven't met yet depends on how much we know about them. The more we know about them, the less likely we are to think that we will like them.

That was a conclusion drawn from a psychological study done using descriptions like the ones you find on social networking sites and dating sites and then asking respondents if they thought they would like the person. So labels like "enjoys the outdoors" or "enjoys quiet times alone" were more likely to get positive response than say "avid deer hunter" or "gets engrossed in caring for his stamp collection".

Makes sense. Good psychological research should make sense. We live the topic everyday afterall.

Also helps understand the romance stage in the cycle of relationships better. Lots to like at that point and little to have to accommodate to, whether it's a new relationship with a man or woman, a new baby, or a boss or employee.

It gets challenging, and really interesting, as all the unique details start to fill in.

Menstrual Cycle/Money Cycle?

Researchers at the University of New Mexico, Geoffery Miller and Brent Jones, have compared earnings of lap dancers with where they are in their menstrual cycles and have found that when they are ovulating, they make significantly more money per hour. I believe it was $30 per hour more than when menstruating and $15 per hour more than the rest of the cycle.

How does that happen? I don't think anyone knows yet.

Does it mean that you should never buy a used car from a woman who is ovulating, or that female salespeople and in other business roles should time their dealmaking to their cycles? No one knows that yet either, but the Harvard Business Review may be holding a spot for those results as soon as they come out.

And, to those of us in the age range where most women have stopped ovulating, does it mean anything at all?

Strength-building Exercise - How Are You Doing?

The more reading I do to support and add to my website, on relationships over 50, positive aging, etc., the more I cannot get away from the fact that strength building exercise is extremely important as we get older and I'm not doing it and neither are most of my friends.

The stronger and more flexible we are, the more we are likely to move around and do things, and the less likely we are to fall and hurt ourselves. That in itself is convincing to me, but I still don't do it.

How are you doing with regard to exercise? What has made it work?

Still Working On Relationship Problems?or perhaps trying to avoid the working?

Believe it or not, there are good reasons to believe that the second choice is more effective.

If all the taping, wiring, watching in John Gottman's relationship lab out there in rainy, gray Seattle has brought us any new information on relationships, it may be that the simple things count the most.

Take away the operational definitions and big words and those studies look to me like they suggest that being friends, treating each other from positive assumptions will go further than deep understanding and psychological explanations.

If it's feelilng like work, we're probably going at it the wrong way!

That's good news. Even for us natural grumps.

In fact, when I finish this post I am going over to my website and change my page description from "working through relationship problems" to . . . . . . . well . . . I'm not sure. Maybe something will come to me. Any ideas?

What's a Senior?

One of the first things that Bernie Zilbergeld ran into when he set out to study senior sex and relationships was that he didn't know what to call the age group he was researching. Seniors, elderly, golden-agers all fell flat with both Dr. Zilbergeld and the people he talked with.

He finally settled on calling us "matures". Hasn't caught on yet. Probably never will.

The question is whether we actually need a particularly peppy name or not. Given that children and grandchildren have a tendency to become apoplectic at the very thought of old people in general, and their old people particularly, engaging in sex beyond the bare necessities to have brought them to this earth, it's probably just as well to stay out of the public eye.

As long as we don't get freaked out over their freak out, things should be just fine.

"Better Than Ever"Do You Believe It?

Do you believe it when Bernie Zilbergeld titles his book Better Than Ever:Love and Sex in Midlife? I mean, do you believe that as Zilbergeld says, sex at any age is still sex? and that sex is good at any age? and that people of all ages continue to enjoy it?

Or, are you getting buffaloed by the media images of sex? children's and grandchildren's discomfort with the whole idea? fears of more losses if you let yourself get into it?

Bernie Zilbergeld is a real expert and an engaging writer. This book is very encouraging.

There's a review of Better Than Ever here. Take a look to see if it looks like it's worth a read. The book is a favorite of mine, so don't expect the review to try to talk you out of it.

Transparency - the new buzzword

Word is out that businesses had better realize that transparency wins in today's marketplace. Trying to fool consumers with hard sells, deceptive offers, and fake blogs will get caught every time. Sooner or later. So you might just as well be honest and let things sort themselves out.

Same goes for relationships. Question is simply how to do it? More on that soon.

Hint: this goes deeper than "good communication."

Mind-Body Connections

For every change in the mind, there is a change in the body. And, for every change in the body, there is a change in the mind. It is as though they are on two sides of a ring or a circle so that there is no way to move one without moving the other.

I came across a quote to that effect by a neurophysiologist over twenty years ago.

I always think of that when someone says that anxiety or depression or something else is chemical. Well, yeah, the mind and body are electrochemical systems. So what are you telling me that everyone doesn't know?

Push the circle on either side and the whole thing moves. The hard question is, can you use that to consistently get a desired result? The drug guys are trying to get better and better at making what we want to happen happen without other stuff we don't want (side effects) coming along for the ride. More power to them. I hope they get it right.

In the mean time, if I can regulate my breathing, change my thinking, relax my muscles, be mindful of myself and the world around me in new ways, or do whatever else I can to push that mind-body circle toward health, happiness, and sanity, I want to be doing it. Side effects suck. Sometimes entering the circle from the chemical side is the best or only option, but I like to be pretty sure of that before I pop the pill.

If There Is No Sex, Is It an Affair? Is It Infidelity?

When it comes to relationships is "No Sex - No Infidelity" the equivalent of the sports saying "No Harm - No Foul"?

In an interview in the December 2007 issue of the Harvard Business Review, John Gottman, PhD, says no. The most important things that lead to harm from relationships outside the primary relationship is more about friendship, feeling appreciated, feeling listened to, feeling valued than about sex.

He made a powerful case for this point of view. What he didn't do was really give, me at least, much of an idea of what to do to keep it from happening and wrecking your relationship.

It was clear that if you can't both go to the party, then the two of you had better do some pre-planning an have a non-defense treaty about how you'll talk about it after.
While not saying it explicitly, Dr. Gottman was clearly calling for some attention to the relationship before the inevitable unexected comes along.

Find some general discussions and advice at www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com.

Erectile Dysfunction: Exactly What Are You Having the Most Trouble Coping With?

When a guy in an intimate relationship is experiencing erectile dysfunction there is going to have to be some coping by both partners, but coping with what?

Is it coping with -

• loss of sex?
  
• loss of sex as you're used to it?
  
• fear of what it might be caused by? dying?
  
• changing identities?
  
• embarrassment?
  
• having to work out something new?
  
• having to talk with each other in deeper ways than you've ever done?
  
• general grieving a loss?
  

It helps sometimes to work our way through a pathway of inferences to get an idea of what we're dealing with. Most simply stated this involves noticing

• what all the available information on the topic includes
  
• which pieces of information have we chosen to focus on
  
• why we picked those out of all that was available
  
• what those pieces mean to us
  

Following the thread, we can ask ourselves questions like . . . ."because?" . . ."and then?" . . ."and that would mean?"

Drill down far enough and many, if not most, things that are looking bleak start to soften up around the edges, to not be quite as serious or insoluble as they appeared in the darkest hour.

Creative "work arounds" don't often show up when we're thinking like we've always thought.

An interesting approach to getting a new view of hard topics can be found in Byron Katie's work that is described in Loving What Is. It's not the only way to go (Michael Brown's The Presence Process and/or Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now are going at the same things from slightly different perspectives) but it an easy place to start.

Impotence - Is the Medical the Easiest Part?

Impotence or erectile dysfunction, depending on how precisely you are defining it, is one tricky affliction.

While the medical world has made huge advances in treating it in the last few years, I can't see that it has gotten any easier in that other realm - -> in between our ears. Who the heck is comfortable talking about not being able to get it up?

Did Bob Dole and the ads on TV at sports events for Viagra, Cialis, etc. make it easier to talk about? Or just strengthen the determination no be be "one of those guys"? I don't know.

I have tried to put it in a perspective that would make it most likely that a reader would be able to do something about it at my website on the pages linked here.

Hope it helps get into gear. Good sex in any form that is good for you is too good to miss out on.

Love In The Time of Alzheimer's

NPR had a show this morning responding to the news report of Sandra Day O'Connor's husband having a relationship with a fellow patient in an Alzheimer's facility and her acceptance of that. The experts filled us in on the brain, aging, dementia and facilities and caregivers are doing. Pretty eye opening stuff.

They were talking about how the person with dementia may remember nothing of his or her past, including spouses and children, but be quite capable of forming and enjoying intimate relationships in their present situation. The parts of the brain that handle love aren't the same as the ones for memory. Hmmm. They say that these people live quite fully in the present moment.

Living in the present moment is a goal of many people and credited with bringing great clarity and peace to those who achieve it. Does it follow that if I meditate long enough and gain present moment awareness, I may forget my spouse and children and enter into whatever relationship brings me joy in the present? Or is that reserved for dementia? Is it black and white? Or, is there a gray zone?

Just wondering.

Senior Sex - What? Get creative? Now?

Aging seems to have a bottomless bag of tricks sometimes.

One thing is for sure, things just keep changing. And that's kind of rough since most of us are so relieved to find something that works for us that we want to do it over and over and free up some attention for other things.

Well, even if our minds want to do it that way, when it comes to sex, our bodies are not going to let it happen. I guess we'd better get used to it.

Got a list of things that you'd never do? I am starting to suspect that if we try to keep that too tight, the older we get, the higher the odds become that sex itself will become one of the things that we never do.

Doesn't have to be that way. God, give me strength to let go and enjoy what I've got.

Divorce Is A Tough Deal At Best

No matter how you slice it or dice it, divorce is hard on everyone involved. Maybe it is the best that you can do, but don't get the idea that it is easy or a positive step forward as some divorce lawyers' webites would have you believe.

Before you talk to divorce lawyers or mediators, get yourself a course in the realities of getting divorced

• financial
  
• emotional
  
• children
  
• odds of getting right the second time.
  

Remember that they are in the business of getting you divorced, not saving marriages. Don't expect them to be able to answer questions that are rightly only answered by you. Should you divorce? Yours/What will it cost? Theirs/How will it affect your children? Yours/ etc.

It is a lot cheaper financially and emotionally to do everything you can to
save your marriage before you head for the lawyer's office.

And, let's not forget both the spiritual costs and opportunities afforded by this intensely personally challenging situation. There are excellent resources available to save your Christian marriage.

In one of my favorite quotes that is usually misquoted, Grantland Rice (a great sports writer from the 1930's) said: "When you meet that great scorekeeper in the sky, he will ask you not if you won or lost, but how you played the game."

Also, for those of you in the AARP age range, I have a growing website that talks about these kinds of things too www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com/divorce.html. I don't purport to have all the answers (or even all the questions), but it is an honest attempt to put out some good stuff.

A Change of Heart - Save Your Relationship

Ever been in the middle of something and wondered to yourself, 'What am I doing here?'


Relationships can stand a good dose of that every now and then too. What the heck am I doing?


A friend told of hustling around one night putting her kids to bed, brushing teeth, putting laundry in hampers, hurrying the laggards and the pillow fighters, when her youngest asked, "Mommie, did you forget that you love us?"


How many times have I forgotten that I love you? (Don't count. Just remember.) Let a change of heart lead the way to getting more of what you want.

Emotional Intelligence and Relationships

In his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, PhD, says that if you had to boil it down to just one thing that makes marriage work it would have to be emotional intelligence.

And, emotional intelligence roughly defined is simply being aware of what we ourselves are feeling in a given situation, making a reasonably accurate guess about what others in the situation are probably feeling, and taking the two into account before moving forward. (There are whole books on the topic. Forgive me if I narrowed it down too far.)

Notice how much easier this is to do with people about whom you know a great deal, hence the usefulness of things like Michael Webb's 1,000 Questions For Couples which give those of us with a bit of hesitancy enough structure to get into the thing without strangling us.

Infidelity- Do You Want to Catch a Cheat?

There are people who can tell you how to catch a cheating spouse and if you are sure that's what you want to do, I encourage you to click on that link and go for it.

However, that's a pretty big "if you are sure" back there. And, it isn't really asking if you want to get the facts out on the table ever. The point is to ask if you are ready to deal with what you may find or not find now.

Either way --> they-are-having-an-affair or they-aren't-having-an-affair-but-aren't-being-a-lover-with-you <--, you are at the beginning of something, not the end. Finding out guilt or innocence isn't even the half of it.

So, before you break out the computer spy programs, semen detectors, reverse phone call programs, and the "exact words to get them to spill the beans", make sure you are ready for the next step(s).

Are You a Lover?

In his book about sex and relationships in the last third or so of our lives Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld found that there is a lot more sex going on in this age group than our children and grandchildren care to know about. That was good. That was a relief. That makes sense.

But Zilbergeld is a renowned expert on the subject of sex NOT on relationships. And, as it turns out, not that great at doing relationships himself by his own admission. So what did he find there?

He found a lot as it turns out and he describes details of relationships that are great and getting better in site of age, illness, and all that. The key, according to Dr. Zilbergeld is being a "lover". And it sounds great to be a lover. These are the folks who regularly turn lemons into lemonade in their relationships. Great to hear.

What the good doctor does NOT tell us, to my being able to understand and take action at least, is how us admitted non-lovers can make the necessary moves to join the ranks of the lovers. Perhaps that void has to be filled from elsewhere (especially since Bernie Zilbergeld died shortly after finishing the book.)

While there are no panaceas I have been looking at sources like 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships and to my surprise and relief finding some helpful stuff. Give it a look. Maybe you will too.

Sex, Snoring, and Separate Bedrooms

Snoring must be a common problem judging from the number of pillows, ear plugs, sprays, and pills that are showing up in stores. Somebody thinks we need that stuff.


They say that it gets worse with age. What doesn't?


It is a sleep killer for anyone who sleeps with a snorer, that's for sure. What it does to the closeness of the relationships is more up for grabs. For some it is a real problem. Others seem to just find it an irritation. Back to that old saw that - it all depends on how you look at it.


Do the pillows, noseclips, etc. work? From my own experience, some of them work sometimes. Right now I'm putting my money on throat/jaw/tongue exercises.


Oh yeah, still using the other stuff too. If I can't stop snoring all together, I figure it's best for my intimate relationship to be doing everything I can. I am looking at the topic of snoring in greater depth on my seniors' relationships website.

Infidelity in Relationships Over 50

Infidelity may seem less likely as we get older, and there are logical reasons why this is could be so, but by this point in our lives habits and unresolved personal baggage can have a way of counteracting lessening of hormonal push. Sex may not be quite so compulsive, but the need to feel important and/or appreciated can be higher.

The core of dealing with cheating or fear of cheating in long term relationships is keeping the quality of the primary relationship high and keeping our mood and intention positive.

Sometimes, gnawing doubts make that almost impossible to do. If you think that a cheating spouse or partner may be what's affecting your relationship, before you call the private investigator you might want to educate yourself on how to read signs of infidelity giving yourself a fair chance to get your own personal inner work straight on the topic before confronting it with your partner.

You have lots more choices when you know what's going on.

Senior Dating

Senior dating may just be the stealth topic of the new century, what with all the fluidity in relationships and increasing life expectancies we're seeing here.

Most of us move too quickly in this regard. Probably because the whole endeavor is full of nervousmaking parts, we tend to want to get through it and on to the "real thing."

The flaw in that approach of course is that everything we do is the real thing and the only point at which we are alive is right here right now.

So, dating as an art and an experience in and of itself is under-appreciated. If you're over-50 and single, you might want to consider giving it a new look.

David Burns wrote a charming book on the topic a number of years ago called Intimate Connections.

There are some opening comments about what not to do if you do decide to datehere.

Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - relationship resource

Just had a friend tell me that I was ignorant of a major source of excellent information and support in the area of mindfulness would fit right in with my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com and it's mindfulness meditation page.

A quick trip to Barnes & Noble and a skimming of The Power of Now makes me both happy to have found this and embarrassed that it took me this long.

Haven't had time to study it, but it looks very good and may "make the penny drop" for some people who don't quite "click" with Michael Brown's Presence Process. I am still a Brown fan, but this looks like a good addition.

Any comments on either or both would be appreciated.

Erectile Dysfunction Following Radical Prostatectomy

Getting your prostate taken out isn't the most positive thing that can happen in the last third of your life, but given the alternative when there is cancer growing in there isn't so hot either. Nerve sparing surgery has a pretty good record for getting you out more or less as you went in, on the outside at least.

Still, depending on a lot of things there is a very real chance that you will end up with erectile dysfunction due to the physical damage or incontinent. Someone told me that it depends a lot on the surgeon and that there are times of the year not to have the surgery in the big hospitals because that is when the new residents are doing their first surgeries. I don't know. I do know that with early detection you do have time to do some research. Check it out.

However it turns out you are going to need to work well with your partner to get the most out of what you've got once everything heals. For a discussion of relationships and erectile dysfunction, go here.

Fixing Relationship Problems? Maybe Not The Best Plan

Got a relationship problem? Roll up your sleeves and go to work on that sucker. Talk it over, analyze it, work it out. RIGHT???

If you ignore problems, they just get worse. RIGHT??

Well, yes and no.

If your relationship isn't running on all cylinders you're going to know it, because you're going to have problems. True. Putting your attention on the problem, however, doesn't have a very good success record.


Have you ever watched kids playing soccer and wondered why so many times they kick the ball right to the goalie? They want to put the ball into the goal, but they have a problem. Their problem is that there is a player standing there who does not want them to get the ball into the goal. What they tend to do is get their attention locked onto the obstacle and when they kick, it goes right where they don't want it to go. With intention and enough practice it is possible for them to learn to focus on where they want the ball to go, into an empty space inside the goal, and their effectiveness goes up, but it is hard to learn.

It's the same thing with relationships. Focus on problems and that's where we'll end up, right in the arms of the problems. Focus on where we want to be and our chance of getting there goes way up.

Get more information on specific ways that this can be done for relationships here.

Senior FLR's?

Can't help but wonder how many senior couples actually have a female led relationship, (FLR). There are a few blogs on the topic that are reasonably well written (better than this one, but that isn't too hard).

There is a logic to it happening. The empty nest brings relationship strains that were easier to sweep under the rug or work around when there were kids to care for and transport are brought out into the open, and it brings freedom to work out your own solutions.

For some people (I have no idea how many) that seems to be for the partner with the more natural focus on relationships to just take it over, to be the officer-in-charge of the interactions between the two.

And, for some guys (again, how many I have no idea) there is a sexual turn-on in being subordinate to a woman. So far, a win-win, but don't forget the male's greater tendency toward fetish. How far into the "side-show", "comic book-like" world of femdom are most women likely to be willing to go, even in the context of building a better relationship? (Again, I have no idea.)

Interesting idea? There is a general discussion of power in relationships here.

Stages In Relationships Over 50

Stages in relationships in third last third or so of our lives? Are you kidding me? The concrete set more than a couple of years ago. We know what the other one is going to say or do on any given topic before they do.

Or, so it might seem at times, but equilibria are made to be upset and "I know what you're going to say" is just waiting to be surprised.

The thing is that many changes start small and slow. Sort of like the first little sprout that comes up out of the dirt when a seed first sprouts.

In the case of relationships, that little new sprout is often a trial balloon of sorts. It's put up there just a little bit to see if anyone notices. When we are finishing each other's sentences and filling in each other's thoughts we may feel close and comfortable, but we are also missing chances to keep new things happening.

Know each other so well that things are boring? Try listening and noticing for a change.

Is Working On Relationship Problems the Wrong Way to Go?

Relationship problems are real attention grabbers.

It's hard not to figure that if I could just work this or that thing out, get her to stop do this, start doing that, maybe even do some starting or stopping of a few things myself (or maybe not), then life would be good. Wouldn't it?

Well, maybe, maybe not, but probably not. In fact, I am convinced that hashing out problems the way most of us go at it is a dead end. A miserable dead end at that.

Why? There are different ideas on that that you can check out here.

But the general idea is that relationship problems, like ideas of compatibility, are a good indication that something is wrong. It's just that trying to solve them rarely works (never? nothing never happens, but almost never).

Advice on Relationships

Advice for relationships is everywhere. When it comes to being in a relationship, advice (wanted or unwanted) seems to come with the territory.

Turn on the TV, pick up a magazine, listen to the radio, read a book, talk to family or friends and for anyone willing to listen, there is free relationship advice.

Not only that, if you don't end up with more different "right things" to do than advice givers, you're lucky.

Fortunately, we all come with a built-in advice evaluation meter that is always turned on. It is simply how close and safe we feel with our partner.

Imagine what your life would feel like if you followed a particular piece of advice. Would you feel warmer toward your partner? More comfortable about being with them? If the answer is yes, then it is likely to be good advice for you. If not, be careful about putting it into practice, no matter who told you it was the right thing.

In general, it is safer to look for tools with which you can craft your own solutions than to seek or follow advice.

Relationships and Compatibility

In places where you need a reason to file for divorce, incompatibility is often one of the reasons you can use.

Makes sense. "We just don't like the same things, value the same things, act the same way."

The logic breaks down at the same place that the logic about gender differences being a cause of relationship failure. Same sex couples don't all stay together forever in perfect harmony and opposite sex couples don't all fall apart. Likewise, couples who are compatible in many ways still don't all stay together and ones who appear wildly incompatible can have very strong, rewarding, lasting relationships.

So what gives with the idea of compatibility?

Watch yourself and people around you for the times when one or both people in the relationship are saying "We just aren't compatible." Notice how often this conclusion shows up when things aren't going well in the relationship and the person saying it is discouraged and not sure what to do about it.

For myself and those I can observe, this appears to usually be the case. The place where we go off track, I think, is forgetting how distorted our abilities of thought, analysis, and problemsolving are when we are feeling down.

I know that if I can "cool my jets" until my general mood is more positive, that incompatibility usually returns to refreshing difference. Right where it ought to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

For more on this you can look, here.

Beware of Communication in Relationships

Conventional wisdom would have us think that good communication is what it takes to have good relationships. That's partly right, but it depends.

What it depends on is what we communicate. If we are effective at letting our partners know that we appreciate them, support them, feel good when we are around them, then that builds the relationship.

Actually, couples who are having problems are often very good at communicating how bad they feel to each other.

Communication, then, isn't usually the problem, it's what we choose to communicate that either builds or tears down to feelings of closeness and safety necessary for a good relationship.

Unlike many lifestyle changes, keeping what we communicate to our partners positive and supportive changes things right away. As seniors it seems like we're deluged with things we should be doing, the results of which we may not feel for weeks or months or perhaps never. It's nice to find one that kicks in right away.

Managing Conflict In relationships

If you find yourself carrying anger and resentment in your relationships, the situation can become a powder keg. The only real question is how long the fuse is. The destructive power is certain.

For me, getting my head around the fact that my own feeling of anger and resentment is not about the person right in front of me has taken a while. Even after I read experts on the subject make their cases that it is something programmed in a long time ago that is being set off now, I didn't really get it.

When the penny finally dropped was when I read some articles by Steven Stocsny and looked into his "HEALS" program. (He's trademarked the word HEALS, I just can't figure out how to get a little bitty tm after it.) It's really excellent.

If you have trouble managing your anger in relationship conflict, this fellow's stuff is worth looking up.

Beliefs, Assumptions, & Provincetown

Assumptions will get us in trouble faster than we can say . . . . "but I just assumed."

A visit to Provincetown, MA was a bit of an eye-opener in that regard. P-town is famous for the freedom it offers the glbt community. BUT, the degree to which people there seemed to be assuming that I was critical of them and/or their lifestyle was quite amazing.

I guess everyone has their own stuck places and the people in P-town have certainly come by theirs honestly, still, it was disappointing. Straight refers to more than sexuality I think.

Divorce Busting and Divorce Is Not The Answer

I see that Michele Weiner-Davis has written a follow-up to Divorce Busting entitled Divorce Is Not The Answer which might explain why George Pransky re-issued his 1990 book Divorce Is Not The Answer and now calls the new version The Relationship Handbook.

Not a bad idea. A couple of other people also list Divorce Is Not The Answer as the title of their books on the web too. Just as well.

Hate to see Pransky giving up on his old title though. It hits the nail right on the head. He could have played around with something asking what the question is or something.

The theosophy angle on relationships is just interesting and off-beat enough that we need it.

Weiner-Davis's Solution Oriented Therapy based work is a bit off the conventional track too I guess. If more people get something that works, all the better.

Divorce Is Not The Answer

Using what he calls Psychology of Mind, George Pransky PhD has developed a kind of couples therapy that he says works better than traditional approaches.

In his book Divorce Is Not The Answer: A Change of Heart Will Save Your Marriage he lays out the whole process from underlying beliefs to case examples of how they apply them in their program at Pransky & Associates, in La Conner, WA.

**There are several books with the same title. Find Pransky's. It's different enough and apparently logical enough that it is worth a look.

Relationship Problems and Heart Disease

In a just released study that followed over 9,000 British civil servants for more than 12 years it was reported that people in couples with relationship problems were more likely to develop heart disease.

Do bad relationships equal heart disease? I don't know.

Take a look at the study itself which was in Archives of Internal Medicine, Volume 167, Number 18, October 8, 2008, page 1951 - 1957.

Actually, there are studies that point in the other direction. And, of course, the other from that one.

Bottom line question, I guess, is "How do you want to live, whether it gives you heart disease or not?"

Erectile Dysfunction and Relationships Over 50

Who wants to have to talk about not being able to get an erection and how that is affecting their relationship? Especially, if no one else is talking about it either and you're quite aware that you're getting older and you figure this is just one more indignity of aging.

TV commercials for the drugs are a start, but in fairness they are to sell the drugs and the degree to which they provide public health education is good, but not their job.

So, what do you do to get the word out about all the ways this thing can mess you up? Some websites have pages on how ED affects relationships and things to do, including mine, but you have to find them.

Now a physician in the UK has collaborated with a playwright to do a play about a couple in which the man is experiencing erectile dysfunction.

Given the sensitivity of most of us on this topic, is seems that this is a great idea for getting more of the facts out.

And, this way I don't have to get heavy or serious. I can just make my wife happy by going to another play about relationships and let whatever sinks in happen.

With some luck ED will be a side issue in an action flick soon and some really cool tough-guy will talk with his partner about it and see his doctor between car chases and killing people. Maybe. Some day. Roosevelt Greer was on Sesame Street afterall.

A Relationship Is A Relationship Is A Relationship

Every so often I hear someone say that they don't have relationship problems because they are in a special kind of relationship from religiously based, to philosophically based, to sexually fetish based. There's something that doesn't seem right about that.

I am glad that these people are happy with their relationships, but I think that they are either selling themselves and their partners short or they are denying the problems that exist. I suspect that there are some in each description.

When two people can successfully stay in a close relationship over an extended period of time and they describe it as a positive one, it seems to me that they must be doing something right even if they don't know what. And, I'm not completely convinced that a little denial is all bad either.

(How much denial is too much? I don't know. Other than the smart aleck response "more than I do", I just don't know.)

Managing Conflict: I'm Rich! I'm Poor!

Managing relationship conflict seems to have some of the characteristics of managing ones emotions in business situations.

Some years ago in a course on how to trade commodities futures contracts the presenter described trading highly leveraged commodities as a roller coaster ride of emotions - "I'm Rich, I'm Poor". The problem, she noted, is that good, clear thinking is pretty hard to do both when we're elated and when we're bummed out. And, that is exactly what's between the theoretical returns of a trading system and what most people get out of it.

At least in the world I see around me, there seems to be a similar "I'm loved/loveable : I'm unappreciated/I'm unlovable" roller coaster ride going on in intimate relationships with similar results. (And it is commonly estimated that 90% of commodities traders lose money.)

Some traders remember their system and follow it almost all the time. I suspect it's the same for lovers. Have you found anything particularly helpful in smoothing out the emotional roller coaster for better living and loving? You'll find some here.

Senior Sex Study Report

American Seniors’ Intimacy And Sexual Health Studied
August 26, 2007 at 10:16 am · Filed under Medical News, Seniors / Aging


The first comprehensive, nationally representative survey on the prevalence of sexual activity among older Americans provides a portrait of the intimate lives of people ages 57 to 85.

A majority of older Americans are sexually active and view intimacy as an important part of life, despite a high rate of “bothersome” sexual problems, according to a new report in The New England Journal of Medicine. The findings come from the National Social Life, Health and Aging Project, research supported by the National Institutes of Health (NIH). The findings shed new light on the intimate social relationships and health of people ages 57 to 85, informing health care providers and patients about sexual norms in the older U.S. population.

The project is the first comprehensive, nationally representative survey to assess the prevalence of sexual activity, behaviors and problems in relation to health status among people in their late 50s and beyond. The study provides information about a number of important aspects of health and sexuality with age, including sexual problems in relation to specific chronic health conditions such as arthritis, diabetes and hypertension; relationships between physical health problems or limitations generally and sexual activity; and physician communication about sexuality at older ages. Physical health, the researchers found, was more strongly associated with many sexual problems than age alone.

The study has implications for health education efforts to prevent sexually transmitted disease in older people. Although data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests stability in HIV diagnoses among Americans aged 50 and older, the number of older people diagnosed with AIDS and living with HIV is increasing, as individuals who were infected with HIV at younger ages are living longer before progressing to AIDS. However, sexual activity among older adults poses risks for new cases of HIV, as approximately 15 percent of newly diagnosed HIV infections are among Americans over age 50.


Led by Stacy Tessler Lindau, M.D., who conducted the study with Linda Waite, Ph.D., and others at the University of Chicago, the research was funded primarily by the National Institute on Aging (NIA), a component of NIH. Additional funding came from NIH’s Office of Research on Women’s Health, Office of AIDS Research and Office of Behavioral and Social Sciences Research and from private-sector sources. Data collection was supported by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Georgeanne E. Patmios of NIA’s Behavioral and Social Research Program is program officer for the project.


“Despite the aging of the population, little had been known about the intimate lives of older adults,” said NIA Director Richard J. Hodes, M.D. “This study expands our knowledge by reporting, on a national scale, data about sexual functioning and health among older adults.”
Dr. Lindau expects the study to help open a dialogue between older patients and their doctors as older Americans were very receptive to the survey and its questions. This openness suggests that, when asked, many older people want to talk about this part of their lives. “We found, despite the high prevalence of problems, that most older adults have never discussed sex with a physician. From a medical and a public health perspective, we have an opportunity and an obligation to do better patient education and counseling about health-related and potentially preventable and treatable sexual problems,” Dr. Lindau said.

The researchers gathered information from a nationally representative sample of 3,005 men and women ages 57 to 85 years, asking about each person’s marital or other relationship status, frequency and types of sexual activity during the past 12 months, physical health, and communication with a physician about sex. They also queried sexually active respondents about the presence of sexual problems.

“This study breaks new ground in social and behavioral research,” said Richard Suzman, Ph.D., director of NIA’s Behavioral and Social Research Program. “Its portrait of this aspect of older Americans’ lives suggests a previously uncharacterized vitality and interest in sexuality that carries well into advanced age, which perhaps has not been appreciated as an important part of late life.”


The study found that many older adults are sexually active, but about half of the men and women surveyed reported at least one sexual problem and about a third report at least two problems. Specifically:

* In general, older adults are sexually active. A large portion of respondents said they were sexually active in the preceding 12 months, but the percentage declined with age — from 73 percent of those age 57 to 64, to 53 percent of those age 65 to 74, to 26 percent of those age 75 to 85. Older women, however, were significantly less likely to report sexual activity than older men and less likely to be in intimate relationships, due in part to women’s status as widows and the earlier mortality, on average, of men.

* Healthier people are more likely to report being sexually active. Eighty-one percent of men and 51 percent of women reporting excellent or very good health said they had been sexually active in the past 12 months. Of those in fair or poor health, a considerably lower percentage (47 percent of men and 26 percent of women) reported activity in the previous year. Diabetes and hypertension were strongly associated with some sexual concerns.

* About half of sexually active older adults report at least one “bothersome” sexual problem. Thirty-seven percent of sexually active men said they had erectile difficulties. Women most often reported low desire (43 percent), difficulty with vaginal lubrication (39 percent), and inability to climax (34 percent).

* Most older adults have not discussed sex with their doctors. Despite the high prevalence of sexual problems, only 38 percent of men and 22 percent of women said they had discussed sex with a physician since age 50.

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Great information. Thanks to the NIH and the New England Journal of Medicine for getting the word out. You can't get much more mainstream, prestigous than that.

That part about not talking to our doctors about sex certainly jumped out at me.

Sexual matters usually feel pretty personal and private. When the doctor comes flying into that little, windowless, flourescent lighted room, fully dressed while I am waiting there, undressed, the last thing I am feeling is personal, safe, and private.

It is a problem and I think the medical profession ought to give some serious thought to what they can do to make it feel safer to talk about sexual issues that fall within their area of expertise.

Yes Dr. Lindau, "better patient education and counseling" would be nice. But, if the physicians that I have seen lately are in any way representative, perhaps you had better start with better physician education and counseling on engendering trust and openness in older patients.

Cancer and Relationships

Saw a report this morning on a paper presented by Norwegian researchers yesterday about divorce rates associated with different cancer diagnoses. They said people with cervical and testicular cancers had the highest divorce rates while breast cancer correlated with lower divorce rate.

Right now, of course, we don't know why, how, or even if this is true outside of the sample they were studying, but certainly more research will follow. It was noted that cervical and testicular cancers are likely to occur at younger ages than others.

If we are lucky, this and whatever follows from it will give more attention to the notion that there is not only a person, but usually more than one person, attached to every diagnosis.

Relationship Rehab?

Over the years whenever I worked with good drug counselors I was impressed with the value they placed on going to treatment, to rehab. "At least once a year and I'd go more often if I could afford it" my first supervisor in drug and alcohol counseling told me. Frankly, I didn't get it then.

When 10 years later another drug and alcohol specialist who I respect answered in response to a question about how to respond to drugs being found at a neighborhood middle school party, again the answer was "treatment, 28 days of by attending a good treatment program with it's emphasis on self-knowledge, self-control, emotional awareness, etc. " He paused a moment and said that he suspected that all young men would probably be well served by getting the kind of attention and support usually reserved for people who have gotten into trouble with drugs and alcohol, before they even had a chance to get into trying to cope with the realities of life by using substances or any other behavior with addictive potential.

When I re-read "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real recently, there was the same argument. Wrapped in a different package, but the same point. The idea that it might be a kind of depression is still attractive to me as much as anything because it suggests corrective actions, but it doesn't really matter.

Can't help but wonder though if we couldn't habilitate better in the first place so that we don't have so much need to rehabilitate? Or, maybe it's the wrong way to look at things all the way around. I don't know.

Since my selfish interest is on what us old and getting older guys can do with our relationship now, I used the term "rehab", but for the future, it's a thought.

Men's Latent Depression & Relationships

Am re-reading I Don't Want To Talk About It by Terrence Real on the topic of what he called latent depression in men and how it affects everything we do, especially in relationships.

This is one of those cases where I know I read it before because I can see my marks and notes on the pages, but I must have missed half of it the first time through. LOL

He does a beautiful job of pulling together a lot of research, philosophy, literature, and clinical observation to make a very strong case. Valuable reading.

Divorce Busting: solution focus

from - Eric P. Landry

"I have read a book called Divorce Busting which uses a technique called Solution Oriented Brief Therapy. I was very intrigued by this method and started doing a bit of research and found someone teaching the method. I got a couple of recommended books on the techniques. One of called the Solution Focus.

I want to share the very basic but extremely powerful concept that this book covers. It can be summarized in these 3 very simple statements.

1) Don't fix what isn't broken

2) Find out what works to promote change and produce the results you want and do more of it.

3) Find out what doesn't work and stop doing it. Do something else instead...ANYTHING ELSE, as long as you stop doing what is resulting in negative, destructive behavior.
-----1) Your wife does the dishes, you mow the lawn. It's been like that since you've met and it works. Don't change a thing.
-----2) You realize that when you want more intimacy with your wife, the fact of starting the morning with a hug and a kiss before going to work, another hug and kiss as you get back home and a few compliments throughout the evening, seems to increase your chances. Start doing these things more often.
-----3) You let your husband plan the week-ends and when he waits for the last minute to make a big plan that you are not ready for, you get frustrated and feel like he doesn't take your feelings in consideration. Maybe start planning on your own a bit early. Get the ball rolling so that he doesn't have to take all of the responsibility of week-end activities. Just change something until it works.

As I'm thinking about these 3 simple steps, I can't help but notice how big of an impact this could have in any situation where you want to solve an issue with someone. It helps you focus on what works rather than trying to analyze what doesn't work.

The most basic idea about this is that you can spend a lot of time trying to find how you got your flat tire. First, where is the nail in the tire? Then, where did you get that nail. You could be searching forever. If you focus on the solution. You simply get the spare out and change the tire. Then you are on your way again. "

Eric

http://www.ericplandry.com/

Money & Power in Relationships Over-50

It has been opined that sex really isn't the hardest subject for people to talk about and that what really is hardest for the most people to talk about is money. Afterall, money and power go hand in hand and the subject of power makes lots of people squirm when it is too out in the open.

Since talking is our main conflict management tool in relationships and money is so often involved in how we interact whether we are conscious of it or not, this is an important topic.


The NY Times had an eye-opening article on the state of money and relationships in the younger set in big cities where women are doing very well for themselves in terms of making money and finding it is not necessarily helpful in making friends.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/23/fashion/23whopays.html?ex=1348200000&en=6e7e1ec5c4d2a26d&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink


Once we enter into the senior-years zone, whatever that is, it can get even trickier. It's not just "what I earn/what you earn", "my beliefs about spending and saving/your beliefs about spending and saving". Now you can add in "what I have inherited/what you have inherited", "what my kids are afraid I am going to blow/what your kids are afraid you are going to blow", etc. etc.

And the old one size fits all advice that you have to talk about it is right, but how the heck do you really do that?

Twenty or more years ago a psychologist named Richard Stuart applied cognitive social learning theory to the problem and came up with some very specific suggestions, steps, forms to fill out, etc. that can still be very helpful when it comes to actually talking about money in the relationship (and lots of other issues too).

A description of Stuart's work in this area and some specific ideas for applying it to typical "over-50's" issues can be found at: http://www.better-relationships-over-50.com/power-in-relationships.html

Erectile Dysfunction Follies: facts, fictions, & money

Suffering from ED, Time to Test Your Relationship! by Victor Jones

Is erectile dysfunction still coming in between you and your partner? Do you feel depressed and sad when you think about your inability to get an erection? Do you feel incapable and incomplete?

Well, if you could have the above feelings your condition is serious and you are really in need of medical treatment. However, don't panic as this is a common problem, you are not alone, there are many who had suffered or are suffering from it. Erectile dysfunction is not the same in every man. There are some who can not get an erection at all and there are those who get erection but not for long and also those who can get an erection but not strong and hard enough for sexual intercourse. Therefore, to correct any of these above problems you need medical treatment.
But hey, do not feel depressed or lost, it is not an incurable disease, there are medicines which take care of this problem. In fact this is the time when you can actually test the relationship that you share with your partner. Everything and everybody is good in the good times but the real test lies when one has to cross the bad phase. If your partner is actually yours, she would be supportive and would get more closer to you, after all a relationship is not only about sex. What you need to do is discuss your problem with her. Now comm'on you don't have to hesitate, after all she is your best friend, Isn't she?

But yes you will have to have that positive bend of mind.

Firstly, you have to accept that you have a problem, men in general do not accept this fact and when they do it's already too late. So, do not increase your problem by refusing to accept that you suffer from ED.

The second step is to act, take an action to get cured and the first step towards that is to visit a good physician. Medicines like Cialis can help you fulfill the gap that ED has created in your love life and can bring you closer to your partner. But again, remember a cialis prescription is of utmost importance before you actually buy cialis or consume it else you might become a victim of cialis effects.

These days getting cialis online is not only easier but also convenient as you can easily compare prices, get as much information on Erectile dysfunction or the medicine information and also avail discounts if you are lucky. But please do not order cialis until or unless you have shown yourself physically to a doctor.

About the Author

The writer, himself once an ED patient, writes informative articles and pieces on erectile dysfunction, male impotency and its cure via medicines such as Cialis drug. For more information on this medicine, visit the website buy-cialis-online-now.com

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Hmmm! Ads show up in the darnedest places. Well, we all have to eat and I hope that Cialis pays well.

But still I can't help but think, "not so fast Victor."

There are lots of reasons for ED. True, the older we get the more likely it is that the reason is physical, but not always. And, when you look at a list of physical causes you see some lifestyle issues that we would all be healthier if we attended to. Get all the facts before you reach for the pill. And, yes, do talk with a doctor even if you can get the drug online to get those facts straight in your own case.

And as far as relationships go, it's also true that talking with your partner about it is the right thing to do, but it's just such a hard thing to talk about that most of us find doing it incredibly difficult. Just being told that I "should" do something has never been much of a motivator for me. Maybe some help for both partners is in order on this one. Too bad there's no pill for that.

Depression in Relationships Over 50

If you are a guy in a relationship or are in a relationship with a guy, you might want to check out some of the thoughts about men and how they experience depression as well as why we are very unlikely to get help when we get into trouble. It has been proposed that men actually display depression in different ways than women do and this leads to all kinds of difficulties in relationships.

In his 1997 book I Don't Want to Talk About It, Terrence Real says

"The traditional socialization of boys and girls hurts them both, each in particular, complementary ways. Girls, and later women, tend to internalize pain. They blame themselves and draw distress into themselves. Boys, and later men, tend to externalize pain; they are more likely to feel victimized by other and to discharge stress through action." pg 24.

Hmm! Frankly, I haven't thought through all the ways either of those tendencies might prove to be a wild card in relationships, especially when you're trying to deal with one of each in the same relationship, but it sounds like a minefield to me!

Stonewalling in Relationships Over 50

The relationship researcher, John Gottman PhD, has described what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when it comes to relationship troubles:

Criticism – Which is not to be confused with complaining. An occasional legitimate complaint about one’s spouse is normal. But while a complaint addresses a specific action, criticism attacks the person.

Contempt – Beyond criticism, contempt includes name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. It poisons a relationship because it conveys disgust.

Defensiveness – When we feel attacked it is common to become defensive, but, unfortunately, it R\rarely causes the attacker to back down or apologize. Instead, the defending party usually reverses the blame, creating a back and forth, no-win scenario.

Last on Gottman's list, but certainly not least from my experience is stonewalling.

Stonewalling – Happens when an emotionally overwhelmed person tunes out and sits passively without saying a word or acknowledging his partner. From Gottman's research we know that this is usually the male in a heterosexual couple.

Apparently the stonewalling partner feels flooded by emotion, so overwhelmed by the other’s negative behavior that they put all of their attention weathering the emotional stress the onslaught causes and trying not to fan the flames any further.

When we get emotionally flooded we experience very strong physical reactions that can include a racing heart, perspiration, adrenaline release, and mounting blood pressure. Clear thinking and effective problem-solving are out the window, and the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in.

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Couples who know how to manage emotional flooding together are the ones that experience the least stonewalling.

Suicide and Older Adults

From the National Institutes for Mental Health (NIMH) we learn that:

• Older Americans are disproportionately likely to die by suicide.
  
  
• Although they comprise only 12 percent of the U.S. population, people age 65 and older accounted for 16 percent of suicide deaths in 2004.1
  
  
  
• 14.3 of every 100,000 people age 65 and older died by suicide in 2004, higher than the rate of about 11 per 100,000 in the general population. 1
  
  
  
• Non-Hispanic white men age 85 and older were most likely to die by suicide. They had a rate of 49.8 suicide deaths per 100,000 persons in that age group.1
  

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) [online]. (2005) [accessed January 31 2007]. Available from URL: www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars.

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When they were talking about being 12% of the population, I was thinking that even though over the whole country the difference is significant and a lot of people, it still isn't that much of a difference from an individual perspective.


But when they got down to the part where all people over 65 have a suicide rate of 14.3/100,000 and Non-hispanics men over 85 were killing themselves at a rate of 49.8/100,00 ; they got my attention.


NIMH didn't say much about it, but could this be at least partly due that subtle killer of men's relationships at all ages, the "I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it" factor?




Isolation is always hard, but the older we get the more dangerous it seems to get. Talking about it is not my natural reaction to problems, but the evidence is mounting up here that maybe it has to become a conscious reaction.

I Am Clearly Older, But the "Wiser" Part Seems To Be Coming Along A Bit Slower

At about the same time I became eligible to join AARP I got married. Building a new relationship sounded like a great idea at the time, though I must admit that I really wasn't considering that I was going to have to do anything in particular to make it happen.


"Older but wiser." Isn't that the saying?


"Everywhere you go, there you are" would have been more like it.


Since I have been missing the most basic social cues and managing to offend all sorts of people in all sorts of situations all of my life, that's not a good place to start.


So, I have embarked on a journey to treat this third and final act of my life's play as the place where it all comes together, finally, making all the mis-steps, errors, and sins worthwhile. Finding out what it is that people who have long-lasting relationships that they describe as great and getting better are actually doing that I'm not and doing it.


With a little research I have found that I am in good company with such famous names in the field of psychology and relationships as Aaron Beck, Bernie Zilbergeld, and John Gottman admitting in their books on the subject that one of the reasons they got into researching the topic of relationships was that they wanted to get better. Actually, they may even have said that they were lousy at relationships, but I don't remember exactly and, anyway, being guys, it's a reasonable guess that they were.


One thing that I find all the experts in agreement on is that good relationships take effort. You don't set them and forget them.


Coming from the "if you have to talk about what's wrong with it all the time it's probably not going to work out anyway" school, I realize now that reworking that belief is the first order of business. This blog and a website on the topic are reflections of my commitment to take that quest public.


I hope you will join in.