The Indiana Jones of Relationship??

That relationships have such incredible potential for good stuff only makes it all the more galling that their incredible potential for going all wrong is in there too. It's a highly charged situation.

It reminds me a lot of an adventure story in which the main character is trying to find his way into the center of ancient temple where all the gold is and he faces one puzzle after another that he must solve to move forward. The genius behind setting up the series of puzzles usually knows full well what the seeker is most likely to do. Therefore, that course of action is almost always the wrong choice. Except when it isn't.

That makes for a cool adventure story. Therefore, finding our way through all the inter- and intrapersonal puzzles of building great relationships must be an adventure too. Funny, I've never thought of it that way before.

In fact, it may go the adventurer one better, because the "secrets" aren't secret at all. The real secrets lie in how to actually carry out the "secret steps" to reach the treasure. And even THAT code has been left lying around in plain sight for centuries, along with some really slick decoys.

High on the list of fakeouts must be our ideas of masculinity, femininity, of what we're entitled to, and of what's "the right way".

As best I can tell at this point, accessing that level of secret requires diligent following of some form of focusing meditative practice. That's because the real secret to unlocking the treasure of relationship is hidden within each of us and each of us has our own best way of finding it. Others can help, but in the end it is to be found on an inward journey through our own particular territory.

There are lots of excellent tools to help in this; which one is right for each of us cannot be determined by someone else. However, the treasure is there and it is worth the trip.

Divorce: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Once two people have decided to divorce, a great legal and social machine starts moving. The process has been described as taking on a life of its own.

With every step forward in the process, the chance of learning something, understanding something, feeling something that will ultimately lead to reconciliation and building a new relationship out of the ashes becomes less likely. The legal system is part of this, but so is our own psychology, especially our tendency to rationalize our decisions as good once we've made them.

It is worth the time and effort to make a sane and informed decision on what seems, to me at least, to be an insane topic. It impacts not only whether, but how the divorce will happen.

And, a recent discussion with an experienced psychologist who works with couples brought up a strong opinion on her part that two or three sessions probably won't be enough to get to that clean decision, but that two years is too long too. Also, she noted that it is important to be sure that everyone involved understands what is going on and the aim of making a good decision is accepted as the goal of the effort.

Sounds logical. I wonder how many of us who have been divorced followed that course (my bet is not many) and how many of us in retrospect wish we had (my bet is a lot.)

There is some very limited further discussion of this topic HERE.

Divorce Is Not A Happy Event

If you take a look at the website of the IACP, a professional association of professionals involved the practice of what is called collaborative law or collaborative practice, you might get the idea that divorce is just dandy. At least to me it looks like they are saying that if you do it right divorce is just another step in your life.

Check it out for yourself if you like HERE. See if you get the same sense from the pictures and the text that I do.

If I just have a hang-up on the issue, post a comment and I'll reconsider.

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I am divorced and as far as I am concerned it was a failure. I do not think that one should expect to move through life without one's fair share of failures. I am trying to accept my failures as normal parts of life (which I believe they are.)

But, I do not accept the notion that we are in any way better off by papering over our failures, by saying that they aren't so bad really, by re-framing them as the first step to new and better things. They are markers along our life pathways from which we are intended to learn something.

I could probably cobble together a pretty convincing bunch of reasons why it was inevitable that my marriage would fail, reasons that it wasn't really my fault. They even might be mostly true, but PLEASE don't offer to wrap it up and tie a bow around it as a great learning experience. And don't institutionalize my excuses through your ad campaign. I am too good at excuses without any help from anyone else.

A few more of my limited thoughts on divorce can be found HERE.

Affairs Are Yesterday's News - So?

Apparently, extra-marital relationships and their effects are nothing new or surprising to a majority of Americans polled recently. At least that's what it says here in USA Today.

But even though most of us know someone who's been involved in one, they're still a really hurtful mess. Right?

What's the deal? It's sort of like smoking, cars, or wars.

Last time I heard the numbers the number of people who die from the effects of smoking tobacco each year are somewhere around what would happen if a jumbo jet full of people were to crash and kill everyone every day for a year. We'd never put up with an airline safety record like that.

Again, though my numbers aren't exact I think the number of people killed in the US annually in automobiles is somewhere between 40 and 50 thousand. Every year. But we have to drive, right? I guess so. I'm not sure. And do I have to drive with half-blind, drunken, aggressive idiots? I guess so. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm one of those in the eyes of someone else.

Sometimes you'll hear someone note that it's safer to be in Iraq than to drive across the country in a car or to smoke. Is that right? Could be, but what the heck does that mean to me? There's something about other people trying to hurt or kill me than makes it different. Right? Maybe.

Which brings us back to affairs. Are they like cars and cigarettes, . . . or wars? And, does it matter?

Infidelity, Elliot Spitzer, and Sanity

Is there any sane way to figure the infidelity that Elliot Spitzer has forced into the attention of so many people?

Did this guy figure he was just so smart and so hardworking that he could get away with denying/repressing/ignoring his own demons until he did something so selfish, cruel, stupid, and pathetic that it will be his legacy rather than the good things he did for all of us as Attorney General of New York?


It's not the human frailty, it's not the mistake, the sin, the transgression that sticks in my craw. These things do happen. They've always happened. And they don't get any more palatable with each occurrence.

It is the narcissistic lying about them to ourselves until we get caught that is sickening.

And by the way, I don't care how much the young prostitute in question was paid, it was not a victimless crime; not to Mrs. Spitzer, not to his children, and not to the young woman for whatever reasons of her own was paid an outrageous amount of money to be part of a rich and powerful man's acting out.

Save Your Marriage

How do you save your marriage? Exactly, what would one do to save his or her marriage?

I am serious about asking the question. Saving a marriage is a term that I have heard for years and I have always thought that I knew what it meant. It's just that upon thinking about it, I realized that I pretty much haven't got a clue what that means.

I guess it's like saving an old, historic building from the wrecking ball. Keeping the marriage intact. But, does that mean legally? Does that mean emotionally? Does that mean physically?

Anyway, a marriage is a dynamic entity. Something that comes into being when two individuals interact. Individuals who are continually aging, learning, forgetting, making mistakes, doing great things, etc. etc.

An historic building just sits there. Maybe it gets new windows, safer wiring, new elevators, but if it didn't stay relatively static, why wouldn't we just build a new one?

When it comes to marriages, relationships, I think that the White Queen had it right when she explained to Alice in the Alice in Wonderland story that she was always running because if she stopped, she would go backwards.

Is it possible that "saving a marriage" is so hard because it implies stopping and stopping is actually going backwards?

Of course, there is something comforting in saving something in that we know what we're saving and in moving forward we can't know what will happen.

Relationships grow in cycles of a series of steps, (a description of which can be found by clicking HERE .) With each step we build on the old, but we never know for sure what the new will bring until we step into it.

Stress in Relationships

Stress in relationships is a given.

Whether it is good stress, like the kind of stress that gravity exerts that keeps us oriented as to which way is up, or bad stress that wears us down until we don't know which way is up and probably don't care, is more up to us than it feels like in any given moment.

Learning to identify, analyze, and respond effectively to stress is rather simple actually. Doing it . . . . well, that can be another thing entirely.

It seems as though we are least likely to use stress management skills when we need them. As for learning stress management skills in the midst of a crisis, while sometimes that is our only choice, it's clearly better to get ahead of the power curve on this one.

Sites like www.better-relationships-over-50.com can provide some of the basic understandings of what's going on, but in the end, the best results come to those who develop the specific cognitive, social, and mind-body skills before crunch time.

Impotence and Relationship

Impotence, erectile dysfunction, hits a relationship with a "double whammy".

Strangely enough, this leverage can work either for you or against you and which way it goes is up to you.

First the downside. If you do nothing about it

• you lose out on sex and


• the process of ignoring such a big part of a relationship, the rest of the relationship is damaged.

HOWEVER, when you decide to bite the bullet and get some help with this

• the odds are strongly in your favor when it comes to getting the desired physical result with medical help . . . .



• working with your partner on this puts the two of you together against the problem (a very strong effect by the way.

So, all in all, it makes sense to go with the flow on this one. It's great to be willing to paddle your own canoe, but it is even better when you're going with the current. You can find a straight forward discussion of the whole topic by clicking HERE

Do You Ever Get Over Infidelity?

The reaction to marital infidelity by one's partner has been likened to PTSD after a life threatening event by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).

They have an excellent pamphlet on the topic on their website.

What's your experience? Is it really like that?

If it is, does it follow that getting away from the person who trangressed is the best solution, or you would be better in the long term to work it through and then decide whether to stay or go?

Do You Snore or Live With Someone Who Does?

Sleep interruption due to snoring can be a serious strain on a relationship. Various things seem to go along with it or lead up to it and the solutions that may work in any particular case go from the mild (mouth and throat exercises, nose strips, special pillows) to the moderately challenging (sleeping on your side, losing weight) to the serious (surgery).

There is more discussion of this here.

Sex and Drugs and . . . . ?

Unfortunately, there are way too many drugs that do not mix well with sex. Well, they may mix with it, but the resultant brew comes up with no sex.

This can include anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, hypertension, and who knows for sure what other drugs. The kinds of drugs that we get prescribed the older we get in other words.

I don't know which ones and in what combinations. That's for doctors and pharmacists to keep on top of.

It IS important though.

Be sure to ask about side effects including depressed libido when you're prescribed a medicine. And, for heavens sake, be willing to tell the physician if you think you are having side effects that are hurting your sex life.

Judging from the study of sexual behavior in people over 57 published in the New England Journal of Medicine last year, a lot of us never do talk with the doctors about sexual issues. I think it was 38% who said they never have. If you want the exact number, leave a comment and I'll get you the precise number.

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and finally

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With so many people holding onto myths about aging and sexuality, (that we don't want or have sex anymore) don't assume that your doctor isn't thinking that less sex will be no problem for you. Be sure he or she knows that it is an important factor in making choices in your life and your health.