Conflict in relationships has been described as having two major components, respect and control, that must be considered in crafting any effort to avoid or resolve it. If it feels to us that the other person does not respect us and that we have no control over what is happening, the stage is set for trouble. It's an explosion just waiting for a match.
Then it is time for anger to step onto the stage. Here we are feeling disrespected and not having our thoughts, feelings, and/or needs given any value. What do we do? Most likely we get mad.
Through anger we can get an illusion of being in control. If we are big enough, scary enough, or sharp tongued enough, we may actually be in control of the situation for a fleeting moment. The problem is that it is knot lasting and it certainly does not build better relationships.
So, watch out for anger. It is a sign that we aren't feeling respected and in control. What we need to do is find ways to focus our attention on the issues of respect and control and not on whatever it was that set us off. (The trigger itself is a fakeout. Notice it and go deeper.)
For a good discussion of how this plays out and specific strategies, look at the book Make Peace With Anyone by David Lieberman, PhD.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
How To Attract Women
How to Attract Men
Courses, books, and programs on attracting men and on attracting women have been around for a long time.
Who do you think of when you think of someone buying and applying the lessons in one of these courses? Do you see someone who is desperate? . . . who is opportunistic? . . . a manipulator? . . . someone interested in personal growth? How old are they? What has their experience been in relationships to date? Have you ever been tempted by one of these offers?
Could this kind of thing be of use to you? Like so many things . . . that depends!
If you are in a relationship now, how about being more attractive to the one you're with? Novel idea? Let's hope not. The longer we are in a relationship, the more we change and move away from the younger people who started out, the more we need to have our eyes, ears, and hearts open to who and what is in front of us right now. It need never get boring.
If you think that improving on how you come across to other people in general and how attractive a potential partner you are doesn't pertain to you or that there's nothing that you can get out of it, you might give it some more thought.
Of course if all you seek is a few new tricks to get other people to do what you want, then it probably is a waste of time and money.
If you are looking for new ways to go about relating consciously to other people, genuinely, and in ways that feel good to you then you probably would be able to pick up a couple of ideas about how you might change ways that you habitually look at other people and yourself.
Putting attention on the process of how you relate to other people can bring big rewards. And, as we get older and have more and more unexamined habits and beliefs, doing something to shake things up a bit can be even more fruitful.
Who do you think of when you think of someone buying and applying the lessons in one of these courses? Do you see someone who is desperate? . . . who is opportunistic? . . . a manipulator? . . . someone interested in personal growth? How old are they? What has their experience been in relationships to date? Have you ever been tempted by one of these offers?
Could this kind of thing be of use to you? Like so many things . . . that depends!
If you are in a relationship now, how about being more attractive to the one you're with? Novel idea? Let's hope not. The longer we are in a relationship, the more we change and move away from the younger people who started out, the more we need to have our eyes, ears, and hearts open to who and what is in front of us right now. It need never get boring.
If you think that improving on how you come across to other people in general and how attractive a potential partner you are doesn't pertain to you or that there's nothing that you can get out of it, you might give it some more thought.
Of course if all you seek is a few new tricks to get other people to do what you want, then it probably is a waste of time and money.
If you are looking for new ways to go about relating consciously to other people, genuinely, and in ways that feel good to you then you probably would be able to pick up a couple of ideas about how you might change ways that you habitually look at other people and yourself.
Putting attention on the process of how you relate to other people can bring big rewards. And, as we get older and have more and more unexamined habits and beliefs, doing something to shake things up a bit can be even more fruitful.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Why Mindfulness In Relationships?
Conscious mindfulness in any of its many forms is a very attractive way to support, nurture, and build relationships.
This may seem kind of funny when you first think about it since it doesn't involve anything in particular about what we should or shouldn't do, what we should or shouldn't feel. It doesn't speak directly to any of that.
Rather, it focuses on how we relate to our own inner experience and our experience of the world around us. As best I can tell, the idea is that when we get that clear and straight we naturally find our own best ways to be with each other.
An attractive thing about the mindfulness approach to relationships is that while it probably will end up including the wisdom of the ages, the common sense, and the best practices as we act from our mindful perspective, I don't have to try to remember rules, skills, and the like.
That's good because no matter how good such things are, no matter how right they are, where are they when you need them. I don't know where they go in the heat of need, but I do know for sure that they go somewhere. Hence the old observation that when you need your communication, listening, and stress management skills the most, you're the least likely to actually be able to use them.
Mindfulness. Check it out. A number of workable approaches exist. You will probably be able to find one that feels right for you.
This may seem kind of funny when you first think about it since it doesn't involve anything in particular about what we should or shouldn't do, what we should or shouldn't feel. It doesn't speak directly to any of that.
Rather, it focuses on how we relate to our own inner experience and our experience of the world around us. As best I can tell, the idea is that when we get that clear and straight we naturally find our own best ways to be with each other.
An attractive thing about the mindfulness approach to relationships is that while it probably will end up including the wisdom of the ages, the common sense, and the best practices as we act from our mindful perspective, I don't have to try to remember rules, skills, and the like.
That's good because no matter how good such things are, no matter how right they are, where are they when you need them. I don't know where they go in the heat of need, but I do know for sure that they go somewhere. Hence the old observation that when you need your communication, listening, and stress management skills the most, you're the least likely to actually be able to use them.
Mindfulness. Check it out. A number of workable approaches exist. You will probably be able to find one that feels right for you.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
When Your Man Is Cheating
When your husband is cheating, there is the question of whether you should confront the other woman or not. It certainly can be a scary possibility, but apparently it can be worth doing . . . if you do it right.
Given that being the partner who finds out that they are being cheated on often results in emotions very similar to those experienced in PTSD, getting out of a passive role has the possibility of being very therapeutic . . . again, if you do it right.
Dr. Robert Huizenga discusses confronting the other woman and gets specific about what to do and why in a recent post on one of his sites on the topic of infidelity.
Looking at the questions that the coach asked in this article we can get some ideas about why and how one might go about this.
Should you talk to the woman who has been with your cheating husband? I don't think that anyone can really answer that for you. Certainly doing it impulsively, without a plan and a reason, lowers your chances of having it turn out to be a long term positive.
Getting an overview of infidelity before you move into your own specifics and the actual decision making about whether to confront or not and how you will do it is probably well worth the effort.
Given that being the partner who finds out that they are being cheated on often results in emotions very similar to those experienced in PTSD, getting out of a passive role has the possibility of being very therapeutic . . . again, if you do it right.
Dr. Robert Huizenga discusses confronting the other woman and gets specific about what to do and why in a recent post on one of his sites on the topic of infidelity.
Looking at the questions that the coach asked in this article we can get some ideas about why and how one might go about this.
- What is the purpose for doing it? What do you hope to accomplish? to learn? to understand? to make happen?
- What do you plan to do with what you find out? Are you really looking for new information, or are you seeking to make a case for what you have already decided?
- Are you ready for how you will deal with the possible strong emotions that you are likely to encounter from the other person and within yourself? Playing out as many possible scenarios as you can think of in your head in advance of a stressful situation has been shown to result in a better performance in the actual situation, even if what actually happens is different from anything you had prepared for. (For more on this see Psychocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, MD. It's an old book, but extremely useful and a pleasant read.)
- What support do you have in place to process what you find out?
Should you talk to the woman who has been with your cheating husband? I don't think that anyone can really answer that for you. Certainly doing it impulsively, without a plan and a reason, lowers your chances of having it turn out to be a long term positive.
Getting an overview of infidelity before you move into your own specifics and the actual decision making about whether to confront or not and how you will do it is probably well worth the effort.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity is an idea that I had never heard before, but it made perfect sense after I thought about it a while. It also really brought home just how high the bar is when it comes to really being true to a relationship.
The concept of financial of infidelity was spelled out recently in a book by the same title which was reviewed well in the Huffington Post blog. This doesn't involve another person as in the case of a man having a secret bank account to pay for prostitutes or hotel rooms, it is less clear cut.
Basically, the idea is that when one partner spends money and hides the fact that they have in one way or another, they are being untrue to the relationship. They aren't really working as a team at that point and it is corrosive. In this case I think cheating describes what's going on better than infidelity.
In an example in the Huffington article, a woman considers buying a new bicycle and keeping it in the nighbor's garage so her husband won't find out. Sounds kind of goofy at first, but think about it in terms of the relationship. They apparently don't respectfully confer and agree on expenditures, which is a red flag whether she buys the bike or not. She is also thinking about keeping a secret and enlisting the aid of her friend in doing it, which is a sure fire way of drifting further apart.
The end result, at best, is likely to be that they increasingly run on parallel tracks, a sad but apparently stable situation that many couples view as relationship success. The problem is that it doesn't take much to de-stabilize one of these. It can be something as simple as getting to know a couple whose relationship is closer, more respectful, and . . . . well, happier, and then it is only a matter of time before it falls apart.
Actually, it might be looked upon as a material manifestation of emotional infidelity, the tricky little relationship time bomb that I discussed before here.
The concept of financial of infidelity was spelled out recently in a book by the same title which was reviewed well in the Huffington Post blog. This doesn't involve another person as in the case of a man having a secret bank account to pay for prostitutes or hotel rooms, it is less clear cut.
Basically, the idea is that when one partner spends money and hides the fact that they have in one way or another, they are being untrue to the relationship. They aren't really working as a team at that point and it is corrosive. In this case I think cheating describes what's going on better than infidelity.
In an example in the Huffington article, a woman considers buying a new bicycle and keeping it in the nighbor's garage so her husband won't find out. Sounds kind of goofy at first, but think about it in terms of the relationship. They apparently don't respectfully confer and agree on expenditures, which is a red flag whether she buys the bike or not. She is also thinking about keeping a secret and enlisting the aid of her friend in doing it, which is a sure fire way of drifting further apart.
The end result, at best, is likely to be that they increasingly run on parallel tracks, a sad but apparently stable situation that many couples view as relationship success. The problem is that it doesn't take much to de-stabilize one of these. It can be something as simple as getting to know a couple whose relationship is closer, more respectful, and . . . . well, happier, and then it is only a matter of time before it falls apart.
Actually, it might be looked upon as a material manifestation of emotional infidelity, the tricky little relationship time bomb that I discussed before here.
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