Senior Sex Surveys what do people say to survey takers?

We know a bit about what people tell and don't tell when it comes to research surveys. None of it is too earth shaking. None of it should make us believe that we are seeing the behavior of a group of self-reporting individuals in more than broad brushstrokes. And that's OK. Just don't start telling me "what old folks do behind closed doors," because beyond those broad brushstrokes we probably still don't know.

Lots of things figure in, but however you do it the result of putting together a large number of interviews on a subject as personal as sexual behavior, running the data through a computer, and then stating the results as if they now represent scientific knowledge is very likely to be misleading.

The age, gender, race, and perceived status of the interviewer can play a big role. For example, it has been shown that white people report less prejudice toward black people if the interviewer is black than if the interviewer is white and that black people do the same thing in the opposite direction.

It would seem especially likely that a 60 or 70 year old person who was being interviewed by a younger person or a person of the opposite sex might not be completely honest in their answers about very personal topics, but it is not an easy topic for most of us with anyone.

Which might start to explain why the numbers in a study might appear, for example, as though the males were having more intimate relationships and more sexual contact than the females even if you try to factor in that women live longer so have have fewer choices of partner. As one sociologist has pointed out, since we know that males tend to exaggerate their sexual experiences at younger ages, why would we expect that they would stop doing that as they got older?

Maybe perceived interviewer bias is involved again in how few older gays and lesbian were found and how few people said they masturbate, or maybe not. Maybe the self-reports were 100 percent accurate. We just don't know for sure.

I sure don't know. It is reassuring to know that lots of people over the age of 57 did report that they are doing lots of things with their sexuality and that they feel pretty good about it, thank you. And, that good health is correlated with good sex as we get older.

Beyond that, I will just have to wait until I am as amazed at what they have counted, timed, measured and taken movies of in the field of senior or elderly or mature sex as I was at the Masters and Johnson studies. (That didn't come out more than 5 years after I had sat in an Anthropology class and had a professor state with confidence that there were just some things we'd never really know about because you can't wire people up, set up your cameras, and tell them to go ahead and make love while you sit over here and take notes.)

Surprise me with unbiased observations and measurements, but don't get too carried away with the self-reports.

Is There Really A Senior Sexual Revolution?

There was a piece on Youtube recently where the description said something about the sexual revolution not happening in the high schools, but with senior citizens in the retirement homes. You can see that and related comments Here.

Now, admittedly we are hearing more and more about retirement facilities of all types finally getting the point that we are adults and that sexuality is part of adult life.

That there may be an institutional sexual revolution for seniors makes sense, but a revolution for the people themselves? I am not so sure about that one.

Until someone figures out how to remove effects of our society getting more open about sexuality from the observations I will be willing to bet that what people are doing is not a heck of a lot different from what it has been for some time. What people are saying they are doing is another thing all together and I suspect that that is just now coming closer in line with actions and that the revolution is in what we're willing to talk about.

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Senior Sex - Fetishes: do they age well?

Fetishes have always held a special interest for me for several reasons.

They can be so darned powerful, simple, and fast acting. Getting to know someone and developing a relationship that is exciting and attracting takes awhile and it takes some close contact. A pair of shiny black boots, or the right hair style or clothing can do the job from clear across the room. Why is that? And, can we use that in some positive way(s) as we get older and our physical machinery changes?

They tend to be more prevalent and stronger in males than in females. Can we admit and use that reality, or is it just a problem? They aren't inherently flattering even to those who are wearing or possess the physical trait that attracts attention. Consider, "Wow!! The color of your eyes really turns me on." How likely is the response to be "Oh, thank you. You have looked into the depths of my soul and found the real me?" Fat chance.

What is is, but that often does not help us cope with realities that we don't want to like. How effective are we at loving what is? Well, it must be hard enough to do (no matter how effective it is) that someone could make a whole career out of the topic - - - see Byron Katie's "The Work" as described in her book Loving What Is

Is it an affront to ask a lover to wear certain clothes or talk a certain way or affect certain postures, take on certain roles . . . just because it turns us on?

Hypnosis in Senior Relationships and Sex?

Hypnosis has quite an aura about it and most of it for most people is wrong. Maybe this comes from movie images of Svengali-like characters doing evil deeds with their power to control minds. Stage shows that take susceptible volunteers from the audience and make them do ridiculous things in trance don't help much either.

However . . . . as a relationship tool, hypnosis has a great potential that should not be over looked. In its best uses, hypnosis is a form of heightened communication. Communication between two people or between parts of one person.

Used right it can energize and deepen a relationship and be very pleasant.

More on this later.

Quit Smoking:Start Living

If you're still at it, it's time to quit smoking.

In his book about the long term study on which Harvard grads were living the longest, happiest lives, Dr. George Vaillant listed 6 things those who were doing the best were most likely to be doing. Not smoking was at the top of followed by moderate alcohol use, maintaining healthy weight, regular exercise, a generally optimistic outlook, and stable relationships. You can see more about study results talking about aging including smoking at www.better-relationships-over-50.com

Sound like something your mother could have told you without involving Harvard? Yup! Mine too.

Need some help to stop smoking? Look at an internet quit smoking course that has been quite popular since it was published over 3 years ago by clicking here

You Tube/Facebook Over 50?

It wasn't that long ago that young people were appalled and offended to learn that their parents were getting into the social networking scene. It was, afterall, their turf. And, what could a bunch of old fuds possibly want there anyway? I mean, their lives are over aren't they?

As it turns out, there is lots that those of us in the over 50 set might want that we can access through social networking. It just may take us a while to figure out how we can use it.

And, no, our lives aren't over and it is no more the business of younger family members exactly what is in it for us than is the converse. Not a secret, but private nonetheless.

There is something incredible going on with all this. Exactly all of what it means probably won't be completely clear for a while. But it is already clear enough that after listening to one of his young employees for about and hour on the subject, Rupert Murdoch bought the company. So stay tuned.

The "Just Don't Fight" Trap

Along the road to a truly conscious relationship somewhere awaits the "no response trap." Fights and arguments are truly no fun for most of us. And, at some point the bright idea pops up to just not respond to what feels like an attack. It does take two to fight, doesn't it? So if I don't respond, there can't be a fight. (I have read that it is usually a guy who tries this solution.)

The problem is that the choice to not respond involves a decision and an action. It may start with good intention, but it comes across as stonewalling, avoiding, floating above the fray. And it can ultimately do more harm than good.

So after the insight that fighting goes nowhere, that it takes two to fight, that you don't want to make it worse, and now the further awareness that just shutting up is not going to do it either, what to do?

In its best manifestation, this is where a conscious relationship comes in. Making it work may take longer than fighting or just going mute, but the results last and they feel better.

Senior Dating: older and wiser, or no fool like an old fool?

Sooner or later, more of us than we might have expected will find ourselves face to face with being alone and having to decide whether and/or how to date again.

Lots has changed over the last 30, 20, 10, or even 5 years. Just talk to a 21 year old today and notice how many things they cannot remember being without: instant messaging, cell phones, e-mail, cameras in phones to name just the most obvious. (I mean, truthfully, did you ever expect to have something like Dick Tracy's wristwatch in your lifetime? I didn't.)

And, whether we want to or not, whether we have noticed or not, we have changed too.

Before flatly saying "no" to any form of dating, it will certainly be worth your time to look into what's going on today, talk with friends, search the web, consider the various lists of pitfalls such as the one linked to by clicking here.

It's not something to be automatically avoided or embraced. Lots of people have chosen to go either way and seem to be quite happy with their choice.

The thing is to do what you can to be sure that it is a choice and that the choice is yours.

Erectile Dysfunction - stuffable?

A Urologist giving a public talk about erectile dysfunction said that he sometimes had a difference of opinion with his patients about what was really dysfunction.

He brought out the concept of "stuffable", saying that if a penis is firm enough to be pushed into whatever place the two people want it, then it is functioning.

Or, as he went on to say, it is a good idea to consider that functioning.

What do you think?

Leave Divorce Out of It!?

Recently one author on the subject of saving your marriage, stopping divorce, etc (click here for more on this) noted that whatever you decide to try, from going to couple counseling to just talking about it to reading books, etc. will work a lot better if you take divorce off the table as one of your options.

Good idea. Glad to read someone else saying it.

Especially because when we are in the midst of relationship problems they seem so insoluble that "there must be something/someone better out there somewhere," (the seductive call of the sirens sitting on the rocks just waiting for a crack up if there ever was one.)

This is even more seductive for us in the over 50, over 60 set. Most likely there aren't children to think about and the end of the trail is getting more real, maybe for the first time in our lives. "I'd better do it now or never" is the classic distortion here.


Social scientists have known for decades that people whose parents were divorced are much more likely to get divorced themselves than those whose parents stayed together. (I can't remember the exact number, but I think it was by a factor of two or three!) Why? Because it feels like an option.


Even in the divorce business where there is a kind of divorce called Collaborative in which everyone works together to get the best possible settlement for everyone involved, the process requires that each party sign an agreement that they will not go to court. It has been likened to closing the gate of the corral or Hannibal putting his army ashore and then burning the boats leaving no way to go but forward.


Back doors don't lead to the best problem solving in marriage or in divorce apparently. Why not close and lock the back door while you're still married and seeking a solution so you don't have to do it to get the best dissolution?

What's So Hard About Telling The Truth?

We lie when we are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth.

The thing is that most of us are not very good at accurately predicting just what the outcome of telling the truth is going to be. We tend to overestimate the pain and underestimate both the longer term rewards and our ability to withstand what does come.

We also tend to underestimate the chances that we are going get caught in our lie. If we are afraid of the pain that we think will follow our stating the truth, we want so badly to get off the hook right now that we aren't looking beyond the end of our nose.

This is a time to slow everything down. Take a few deep slow breaths. And then decide whether you really want to lie or not and well as how and/or how much of the truth you want to tell right now.

When all is said and done honesty is the best policy, but when and how it is presented may be a choice.

Do Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, etc. Cause Relationship Problems?

Do erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and whatever else comes along over time cause relationship problems?

NO! Medical treatments for erectile dysfunction do not kill relationships. People kill relationships.

These medications can have a number of results, some obvious and some not so obvious. I've discussed this more here , but just realize that you can't get around talking and listening with your partner with a pill.

Caught? Want to Come Back? (reasons for infidelity are no help)

Sorry guys. If you want to keep your primary relationship and you've been caught in an affair, you'd best say you're sorry and go from there.

At least that's what Dr. Marie H. Browne says according to an article on infidelity, adultery, cheating, messing around, etc in the NY Times that you can access here.

What you do if you want back and you're not really sorry for whatever reason was not discussed in the article. I think that's the one I really want to read.

They did point out that saying "Well, you won't ______________. What do you expect?" Won't cut it.

In a committee of two where you can't decide on a conflict by voting, where do you go in the next step, especially if __________________ is really important to you?

Some places to start are spelled out on my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com, but truly creative loving solutions to these dilemmas seem to have some spark that uses techniques, effective beliefs and all that and then goes further.

Any insights into the "further" part?

Affairs Leave One Partner With PTSD?

It's been reported that people whose partners have an affair often show emotional responses similar to the post-traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) symptoms of people who have been through fires, wars, assaults, etc.

The less they saw it coming, the worse the reaction.

So, with all the affairs that apparently are going on, maybe we have a whole group of survivors that is largely unrecognized as such.

- - - -

In my limited experience, partners who have strayed and want to get back have a pretty high level of ongoing stress themselves, but that's another topic.

Seems as though the whole thing is a bad deal.

He Says/She Says . . .About Why No Sex

From surveying 4,000 people, Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz came up with the following perceived reasons women gave for why they think their husbands had stopped having sex with them.


Top 10 Reasons Women Think Their Husbands Stop Having Sex

I don't know why.

He's depressed.

He's angry at me.

He's too tired.

He no longer finds me physically attractive.

He suffers from erectile dysfunction.

I'm depressed.

He's bored.

I have gained a significant amount of weight.

He prefers to watch pornography online.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Now let's see what the husbands had to say about this.



Top 10 Reasons Why Men Say They Stop Having Sex


She isn't sexually adventurous enough.

She doesn't seem to enjoy sex.

I'm angry at her.

I'm interested in sex with others, but not with her.

I'm bored.

She's depressed.

She has gained a significant amount of weight.

I'm depressed.

I know longer find her physically attractive.

10. I suffer from erectile dysfunction.





These responses came from "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex. And What You Can Do About It," By Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, M.A. (Harper Collins/William Morrow, December, 2007) Based on an online survey of over 4,000 people.

You can check out Bob and Susan's website at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com

Israeli Jazz Flute Tribute

Heard a nice jazz piece at a concert recently. You can listen to it here if you like jazz. Sounds kind of Brazilian to me and indeed that connection was mentioned in the performer's comments at the show. What I never figured out was if that's a personal connection of his or there is some Brazil-Israel link in jazz.



What really got my attention was that he wrote this piece in memory of his father, who as it turns out was about my age when he died.



All that stuff about "live like you're going to die tomorrow" makes a lot of sense, but I've never been able to actually do anything with it. I'm sure this young man's father was not planning to leave this earth so young (by my standards at least). Can't help but go back to "what would I do if I knew?"