Saw a report this morning on a paper presented by Norwegian researchers yesterday about divorce rates associated with different cancer diagnoses. They said people with cervical and testicular cancers had the highest divorce rates while breast cancer correlated with lower divorce rate.
Right now, of course, we don't know why, how, or even if this is true outside of the sample they were studying, but certainly more research will follow. It was noted that cervical and testicular cancers are likely to occur at younger ages than others.
If we are lucky, this and whatever follows from it will give more attention to the notion that there is not only a person, but usually more than one person, attached to every diagnosis.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Relationship Rehab?
Over the years whenever I worked with good drug counselors I was impressed with the value they placed on going to treatment, to rehab. "At least once a year and I'd go more often if I could afford it" my first supervisor in drug and alcohol counseling told me. Frankly, I didn't get it then.
When 10 years later another drug and alcohol specialist who I respect answered in response to a question about how to respond to drugs being found at a neighborhood middle school party, again the answer was "treatment, 28 days of by attending a good treatment program with it's emphasis on self-knowledge, self-control, emotional awareness, etc. " He paused a moment and said that he suspected that all young men would probably be well served by getting the kind of attention and support usually reserved for people who have gotten into trouble with drugs and alcohol, before they even had a chance to get into trying to cope with the realities of life by using substances or any other behavior with addictive potential.
When I re-read "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real recently, there was the same argument. Wrapped in a different package, but the same point. The idea that it might be a kind of depression is still attractive to me as much as anything because it suggests corrective actions, but it doesn't really matter.
Can't help but wonder though if we couldn't habilitate better in the first place so that we don't have so much need to rehabilitate? Or, maybe it's the wrong way to look at things all the way around. I don't know.
Since my selfish interest is on what us old and getting older guys can do with our relationship now, I used the term "rehab", but for the future, it's a thought.
When 10 years later another drug and alcohol specialist who I respect answered in response to a question about how to respond to drugs being found at a neighborhood middle school party, again the answer was "treatment, 28 days of by attending a good treatment program with it's emphasis on self-knowledge, self-control, emotional awareness, etc. " He paused a moment and said that he suspected that all young men would probably be well served by getting the kind of attention and support usually reserved for people who have gotten into trouble with drugs and alcohol, before they even had a chance to get into trying to cope with the realities of life by using substances or any other behavior with addictive potential.
When I re-read "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real recently, there was the same argument. Wrapped in a different package, but the same point. The idea that it might be a kind of depression is still attractive to me as much as anything because it suggests corrective actions, but it doesn't really matter.
Can't help but wonder though if we couldn't habilitate better in the first place so that we don't have so much need to rehabilitate? Or, maybe it's the wrong way to look at things all the way around. I don't know.
Since my selfish interest is on what us old and getting older guys can do with our relationship now, I used the term "rehab", but for the future, it's a thought.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Men's Latent Depression & Relationships
Am re-reading I Don't Want To Talk About It by Terrence Real on the topic of what he called latent depression in men and how it affects everything we do, especially in relationships.
This is one of those cases where I know I read it before because I can see my marks and notes on the pages, but I must have missed half of it the first time through. LOL
He does a beautiful job of pulling together a lot of research, philosophy, literature, and clinical observation to make a very strong case. Valuable reading.
This is one of those cases where I know I read it before because I can see my marks and notes on the pages, but I must have missed half of it the first time through. LOL
He does a beautiful job of pulling together a lot of research, philosophy, literature, and clinical observation to make a very strong case. Valuable reading.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Divorce Busting: solution focus
from - Eric P. Landry
"I have read a book called Divorce Busting which uses a technique called Solution Oriented Brief Therapy. I was very intrigued by this method and started doing a bit of research and found someone teaching the method. I got a couple of recommended books on the techniques. One of called the Solution Focus.
I want to share the very basic but extremely powerful concept that this book covers. It can be summarized in these 3 very simple statements.
1) Don't fix what isn't broken
2) Find out what works to promote change and produce the results you want and do more of it.
3) Find out what doesn't work and stop doing it. Do something else instead...ANYTHING ELSE, as long as you stop doing what is resulting in negative, destructive behavior.
-----1) Your wife does the dishes, you mow the lawn. It's been like that since you've met and it works. Don't change a thing.
-----2) You realize that when you want more intimacy with your wife, the fact of starting the morning with a hug and a kiss before going to work, another hug and kiss as you get back home and a few compliments throughout the evening, seems to increase your chances. Start doing these things more often.
-----3) You let your husband plan the week-ends and when he waits for the last minute to make a big plan that you are not ready for, you get frustrated and feel like he doesn't take your feelings in consideration. Maybe start planning on your own a bit early. Get the ball rolling so that he doesn't have to take all of the responsibility of week-end activities. Just change something until it works.
As I'm thinking about these 3 simple steps, I can't help but notice how big of an impact this could have in any situation where you want to solve an issue with someone. It helps you focus on what works rather than trying to analyze what doesn't work.
The most basic idea about this is that you can spend a lot of time trying to find how you got your flat tire. First, where is the nail in the tire? Then, where did you get that nail. You could be searching forever. If you focus on the solution. You simply get the spare out and change the tire. Then you are on your way again. "
Eric
http://www.ericplandry.com/
"I have read a book called Divorce Busting which uses a technique called Solution Oriented Brief Therapy. I was very intrigued by this method and started doing a bit of research and found someone teaching the method. I got a couple of recommended books on the techniques. One of called the Solution Focus.
I want to share the very basic but extremely powerful concept that this book covers. It can be summarized in these 3 very simple statements.
1) Don't fix what isn't broken
2) Find out what works to promote change and produce the results you want and do more of it.
3) Find out what doesn't work and stop doing it. Do something else instead...ANYTHING ELSE, as long as you stop doing what is resulting in negative, destructive behavior.
-----1) Your wife does the dishes, you mow the lawn. It's been like that since you've met and it works. Don't change a thing.
-----2) You realize that when you want more intimacy with your wife, the fact of starting the morning with a hug and a kiss before going to work, another hug and kiss as you get back home and a few compliments throughout the evening, seems to increase your chances. Start doing these things more often.
-----3) You let your husband plan the week-ends and when he waits for the last minute to make a big plan that you are not ready for, you get frustrated and feel like he doesn't take your feelings in consideration. Maybe start planning on your own a bit early. Get the ball rolling so that he doesn't have to take all of the responsibility of week-end activities. Just change something until it works.
As I'm thinking about these 3 simple steps, I can't help but notice how big of an impact this could have in any situation where you want to solve an issue with someone. It helps you focus on what works rather than trying to analyze what doesn't work.
The most basic idea about this is that you can spend a lot of time trying to find how you got your flat tire. First, where is the nail in the tire? Then, where did you get that nail. You could be searching forever. If you focus on the solution. You simply get the spare out and change the tire. Then you are on your way again. "
Eric
http://www.ericplandry.com/
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Money & Power in Relationships Over-50
It has been opined that sex really isn't the hardest subject for people to talk about and that what really is hardest for the most people to talk about is money. Afterall, money and power go hand in hand and the subject of power makes lots of people squirm when it is too out in the open.
Since talking is our main conflict management tool in relationships and money is so often involved in how we interact whether we are conscious of it or not, this is an important topic.
The NY Times had an eye-opening article on the state of money and relationships in the younger set in big cities where women are doing very well for themselves in terms of making money and finding it is not necessarily helpful in making friends.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/23/fashion/23whopays.html?ex=1348200000&en=6e7e1ec5c4d2a26d&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink
Once we enter into the senior-years zone, whatever that is, it can get even trickier. It's not just "what I earn/what you earn", "my beliefs about spending and saving/your beliefs about spending and saving". Now you can add in "what I have inherited/what you have inherited", "what my kids are afraid I am going to blow/what your kids are afraid you are going to blow", etc. etc.
And the old one size fits all advice that you have to talk about it is right, but how the heck do you really do that?
Twenty or more years ago a psychologist named Richard Stuart applied cognitive social learning theory to the problem and came up with some very specific suggestions, steps, forms to fill out, etc. that can still be very helpful when it comes to actually talking about money in the relationship (and lots of other issues too).
A description of Stuart's work in this area and some specific ideas for applying it to typical "over-50's" issues can be found at: http://www.better-relationships-over-50.com/power-in-relationships.html
Since talking is our main conflict management tool in relationships and money is so often involved in how we interact whether we are conscious of it or not, this is an important topic.
The NY Times had an eye-opening article on the state of money and relationships in the younger set in big cities where women are doing very well for themselves in terms of making money and finding it is not necessarily helpful in making friends.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/23/fashion/23whopays.html?ex=1348200000&en=6e7e1ec5c4d2a26d&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink
Once we enter into the senior-years zone, whatever that is, it can get even trickier. It's not just "what I earn/what you earn", "my beliefs about spending and saving/your beliefs about spending and saving". Now you can add in "what I have inherited/what you have inherited", "what my kids are afraid I am going to blow/what your kids are afraid you are going to blow", etc. etc.
And the old one size fits all advice that you have to talk about it is right, but how the heck do you really do that?
Twenty or more years ago a psychologist named Richard Stuart applied cognitive social learning theory to the problem and came up with some very specific suggestions, steps, forms to fill out, etc. that can still be very helpful when it comes to actually talking about money in the relationship (and lots of other issues too).
A description of Stuart's work in this area and some specific ideas for applying it to typical "over-50's" issues can be found at: http://www.better-relationships-over-50.com/power-in-relationships.html
Friday, September 21, 2007
Erectile Dysfunction Follies: facts, fictions, & money
Suffering from ED, Time to Test Your Relationship! by Victor Jones
Is erectile dysfunction still coming in between you and your partner? Do you feel depressed and sad when you think about your inability to get an erection? Do you feel incapable and incomplete?
Well, if you could have the above feelings your condition is serious and you are really in need of medical treatment. However, don't panic as this is a common problem, you are not alone, there are many who had suffered or are suffering from it. Erectile dysfunction is not the same in every man. There are some who can not get an erection at all and there are those who get erection but not for long and also those who can get an erection but not strong and hard enough for sexual intercourse. Therefore, to correct any of these above problems you need medical treatment.
But hey, do not feel depressed or lost, it is not an incurable disease, there are medicines which take care of this problem. In fact this is the time when you can actually test the relationship that you share with your partner. Everything and everybody is good in the good times but the real test lies when one has to cross the bad phase. If your partner is actually yours, she would be supportive and would get more closer to you, after all a relationship is not only about sex. What you need to do is discuss your problem with her. Now comm'on you don't have to hesitate, after all she is your best friend, Isn't she?
But yes you will have to have that positive bend of mind.
Firstly, you have to accept that you have a problem, men in general do not accept this fact and when they do it's already too late. So, do not increase your problem by refusing to accept that you suffer from ED.
The second step is to act, take an action to get cured and the first step towards that is to visit a good physician. Medicines like Cialis can help you fulfill the gap that ED has created in your love life and can bring you closer to your partner. But again, remember a cialis prescription is of utmost importance before you actually buy cialis or consume it else you might become a victim of cialis effects.
These days getting cialis online is not only easier but also convenient as you can easily compare prices, get as much information on Erectile dysfunction or the medicine information and also avail discounts if you are lucky. But please do not order cialis until or unless you have shown yourself physically to a doctor.
About the Author
The writer, himself once an ED patient, writes informative articles and pieces on erectile dysfunction, male impotency and its cure via medicines such as Cialis drug. For more information on this medicine, visit the website buy-cialis-online-now.com
- - - - - -
Hmmm! Ads show up in the darnedest places. Well, we all have to eat and I hope that Cialis pays well.
But still I can't help but think, "not so fast Victor."
There are lots of reasons for ED. True, the older we get the more likely it is that the reason is physical, but not always. And, when you look at a list of physical causes you see some lifestyle issues that we would all be healthier if we attended to. Get all the facts before you reach for the pill. And, yes, do talk with a doctor even if you can get the drug online to get those facts straight in your own case.
And as far as relationships go, it's also true that talking with your partner about it is the right thing to do, but it's just such a hard thing to talk about that most of us find doing it incredibly difficult. Just being told that I "should" do something has never been much of a motivator for me. Maybe some help for both partners is in order on this one. Too bad there's no pill for that.
Is erectile dysfunction still coming in between you and your partner? Do you feel depressed and sad when you think about your inability to get an erection? Do you feel incapable and incomplete?
Well, if you could have the above feelings your condition is serious and you are really in need of medical treatment. However, don't panic as this is a common problem, you are not alone, there are many who had suffered or are suffering from it. Erectile dysfunction is not the same in every man. There are some who can not get an erection at all and there are those who get erection but not for long and also those who can get an erection but not strong and hard enough for sexual intercourse. Therefore, to correct any of these above problems you need medical treatment.
But hey, do not feel depressed or lost, it is not an incurable disease, there are medicines which take care of this problem. In fact this is the time when you can actually test the relationship that you share with your partner. Everything and everybody is good in the good times but the real test lies when one has to cross the bad phase. If your partner is actually yours, she would be supportive and would get more closer to you, after all a relationship is not only about sex. What you need to do is discuss your problem with her. Now comm'on you don't have to hesitate, after all she is your best friend, Isn't she?
But yes you will have to have that positive bend of mind.
Firstly, you have to accept that you have a problem, men in general do not accept this fact and when they do it's already too late. So, do not increase your problem by refusing to accept that you suffer from ED.
The second step is to act, take an action to get cured and the first step towards that is to visit a good physician. Medicines like Cialis can help you fulfill the gap that ED has created in your love life and can bring you closer to your partner. But again, remember a cialis prescription is of utmost importance before you actually buy cialis or consume it else you might become a victim of cialis effects.
These days getting cialis online is not only easier but also convenient as you can easily compare prices, get as much information on Erectile dysfunction or the medicine information and also avail discounts if you are lucky. But please do not order cialis until or unless you have shown yourself physically to a doctor.
About the Author
The writer, himself once an ED patient, writes informative articles and pieces on erectile dysfunction, male impotency and its cure via medicines such as Cialis drug. For more information on this medicine, visit the website buy-cialis-online-now.com
- - - - - -
Hmmm! Ads show up in the darnedest places. Well, we all have to eat and I hope that Cialis pays well.
But still I can't help but think, "not so fast Victor."
There are lots of reasons for ED. True, the older we get the more likely it is that the reason is physical, but not always. And, when you look at a list of physical causes you see some lifestyle issues that we would all be healthier if we attended to. Get all the facts before you reach for the pill. And, yes, do talk with a doctor even if you can get the drug online to get those facts straight in your own case.
And as far as relationships go, it's also true that talking with your partner about it is the right thing to do, but it's just such a hard thing to talk about that most of us find doing it incredibly difficult. Just being told that I "should" do something has never been much of a motivator for me. Maybe some help for both partners is in order on this one. Too bad there's no pill for that.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Depression in Relationships Over 50
If you are a guy in a relationship or are in a relationship with a guy, you might want to check out some of the thoughts about men and how they experience depression as well as why we are very unlikely to get help when we get into trouble. It has been proposed that men actually display depression in different ways than women do and this leads to all kinds of difficulties in relationships.
In his 1997 book I Don't Want to Talk About It, Terrence Real says
"The traditional socialization of boys and girls hurts them both, each in particular, complementary ways. Girls, and later women, tend to internalize pain. They blame themselves and draw distress into themselves. Boys, and later men, tend to externalize pain; they are more likely to feel victimized by other and to discharge stress through action." pg 24.
Hmm! Frankly, I haven't thought through all the ways either of those tendencies might prove to be a wild card in relationships, especially when you're trying to deal with one of each in the same relationship, but it sounds like a minefield to me!
In his 1997 book I Don't Want to Talk About It, Terrence Real says
"The traditional socialization of boys and girls hurts them both, each in particular, complementary ways. Girls, and later women, tend to internalize pain. They blame themselves and draw distress into themselves. Boys, and later men, tend to externalize pain; they are more likely to feel victimized by other and to discharge stress through action." pg 24.
Hmm! Frankly, I haven't thought through all the ways either of those tendencies might prove to be a wild card in relationships, especially when you're trying to deal with one of each in the same relationship, but it sounds like a minefield to me!
Stonewalling in Relationships Over 50
The relationship researcher, John Gottman PhD, has described what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when it comes to relationship troubles:
Criticism – Which is not to be confused with complaining. An occasional legitimate complaint about one’s spouse is normal. But while a complaint addresses a specific action, criticism attacks the person.
Contempt – Beyond criticism, contempt includes name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. It poisons a relationship because it conveys disgust.
Defensiveness – When we feel attacked it is common to become defensive, but, unfortunately, it R\rarely causes the attacker to back down or apologize. Instead, the defending party usually reverses the blame, creating a back and forth, no-win scenario.
Last on Gottman's list, but certainly not least from my experience is stonewalling.
Stonewalling – Happens when an emotionally overwhelmed person tunes out and sits passively without saying a word or acknowledging his partner. From Gottman's research we know that this is usually the male in a heterosexual couple.
Apparently the stonewalling partner feels flooded by emotion, so overwhelmed by the other’s negative behavior that they put all of their attention weathering the emotional stress the onslaught causes and trying not to fan the flames any further.
When we get emotionally flooded we experience very strong physical reactions that can include a racing heart, perspiration, adrenaline release, and mounting blood pressure. Clear thinking and effective problem-solving are out the window, and the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in.
- - - - - - - - - -
Couples who know how to manage emotional flooding together are the ones that experience the least stonewalling.
Criticism – Which is not to be confused with complaining. An occasional legitimate complaint about one’s spouse is normal. But while a complaint addresses a specific action, criticism attacks the person.
Contempt – Beyond criticism, contempt includes name-calling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. It poisons a relationship because it conveys disgust.
Defensiveness – When we feel attacked it is common to become defensive, but, unfortunately, it R\rarely causes the attacker to back down or apologize. Instead, the defending party usually reverses the blame, creating a back and forth, no-win scenario.
Last on Gottman's list, but certainly not least from my experience is stonewalling.
Stonewalling – Happens when an emotionally overwhelmed person tunes out and sits passively without saying a word or acknowledging his partner. From Gottman's research we know that this is usually the male in a heterosexual couple.
Apparently the stonewalling partner feels flooded by emotion, so overwhelmed by the other’s negative behavior that they put all of their attention weathering the emotional stress the onslaught causes and trying not to fan the flames any further.
When we get emotionally flooded we experience very strong physical reactions that can include a racing heart, perspiration, adrenaline release, and mounting blood pressure. Clear thinking and effective problem-solving are out the window, and the ‘fight or flight’ response kicks in.
- - - - - - - - - -
Couples who know how to manage emotional flooding together are the ones that experience the least stonewalling.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Suicide and Older Adults
From the National Institutes for Mental Health (NIMH) we learn that:
1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) [online]. (2005) [accessed January 31 2007]. Available from URL: www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When they were talking about being 12% of the population, I was thinking that even though over the whole country the difference is significant and a lot of people, it still isn't that much of a difference from an individual perspective.
But when they got down to the part where all people over 65 have a suicide rate of 14.3/100,000 and Non-hispanics men over 85 were killing themselves at a rate of 49.8/100,00 ; they got my attention.
NIMH didn't say much about it, but could this be at least partly due that subtle killer of men's relationships at all ages, the "I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it" factor?
Isolation is always hard, but the older we get the more dangerous it seems to get. Talking about it is not my natural reaction to problems, but the evidence is mounting up here that maybe it has to become a conscious reaction.
- Older Americans are disproportionately likely to die by suicide.
- Although they comprise only 12 percent of the U.S. population, people age 65 and older accounted for 16 percent of suicide deaths in 2004.1
- 14.3 of every 100,000 people age 65 and older died by suicide in 2004, higher than the rate of about 11 per 100,000 in the general population. 1
- Non-Hispanic white men age 85 and older were most likely to die by suicide. They had a rate of 49.8 suicide deaths per 100,000 persons in that age group.1
1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) [online]. (2005) [accessed January 31 2007]. Available from URL: www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When they were talking about being 12% of the population, I was thinking that even though over the whole country the difference is significant and a lot of people, it still isn't that much of a difference from an individual perspective.
But when they got down to the part where all people over 65 have a suicide rate of 14.3/100,000 and Non-hispanics men over 85 were killing themselves at a rate of 49.8/100,00 ; they got my attention.
NIMH didn't say much about it, but could this be at least partly due that subtle killer of men's relationships at all ages, the "I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it" factor?
Isolation is always hard, but the older we get the more dangerous it seems to get. Talking about it is not my natural reaction to problems, but the evidence is mounting up here that maybe it has to become a conscious reaction.
I Am Clearly Older, But the "Wiser" Part Seems To Be Coming Along A Bit Slower
At about the same time I became eligible to join AARP I got married. Building a new relationship sounded like a great idea at the time, though I must admit that I really wasn't considering that I was going to have to do anything in particular to make it happen.
"Older but wiser." Isn't that the saying?
"Everywhere you go, there you are" would have been more like it.
Since I have been missing the most basic social cues and managing to offend all sorts of people in all sorts of situations all of my life, that's not a good place to start.
So, I have embarked on a journey to treat this third and final act of my life's play as the place where it all comes together, finally, making all the mis-steps, errors, and sins worthwhile. Finding out what it is that people who have long-lasting relationships that they describe as great and getting better are actually doing that I'm not and doing it.
With a little research I have found that I am in good company with such famous names in the field of psychology and relationships as Aaron Beck, Bernie Zilbergeld, and John Gottman admitting in their books on the subject that one of the reasons they got into researching the topic of relationships was that they wanted to get better. Actually, they may even have said that they were lousy at relationships, but I don't remember exactly and, anyway, being guys, it's a reasonable guess that they were.
One thing that I find all the experts in agreement on is that good relationships take effort. You don't set them and forget them.
Coming from the "if you have to talk about what's wrong with it all the time it's probably not going to work out anyway" school, I realize now that reworking that belief is the first order of business. This blog and a website on the topic are reflections of my commitment to take that quest public.
I hope you will join in.
"Older but wiser." Isn't that the saying?
"Everywhere you go, there you are" would have been more like it.
Since I have been missing the most basic social cues and managing to offend all sorts of people in all sorts of situations all of my life, that's not a good place to start.
So, I have embarked on a journey to treat this third and final act of my life's play as the place where it all comes together, finally, making all the mis-steps, errors, and sins worthwhile. Finding out what it is that people who have long-lasting relationships that they describe as great and getting better are actually doing that I'm not and doing it.
With a little research I have found that I am in good company with such famous names in the field of psychology and relationships as Aaron Beck, Bernie Zilbergeld, and John Gottman admitting in their books on the subject that one of the reasons they got into researching the topic of relationships was that they wanted to get better. Actually, they may even have said that they were lousy at relationships, but I don't remember exactly and, anyway, being guys, it's a reasonable guess that they were.
One thing that I find all the experts in agreement on is that good relationships take effort. You don't set them and forget them.
Coming from the "if you have to talk about what's wrong with it all the time it's probably not going to work out anyway" school, I realize now that reworking that belief is the first order of business. This blog and a website on the topic are reflections of my commitment to take that quest public.
I hope you will join in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)