Coping With Infidelity

Infidelity happens . . . a lot (if published statistics can be trusted.)

Even if you cut the estimates that are thrown about in half, it's still a lot. Too much for something that is so corrosive to everyone involved.

So, once you know it has happened, how do you cope? You do have to cope whether--

• it is still going on right now
• it has just ended
• it was 23 years ago and it never quite goes away.

There is quite good information on the things you have to accomplish to cope with infidelity.

The problem that I see is that even when you have determined what you need to do, you still are left with how to do it.

And, the "how to" part is the sticking point. Each of us steps into these emotionally charged situations with our own baggage (our own history, our own beliefs, and our own type of social support.) That means that while knowing that we have to accomplish "a", "b", and "c" to come out the other side back on our feet, reasonably sane, the actual path that we walk in doing it has to be fit to us.

One size does not fit all.

Better Relationships: Begin With the End in Mind

If you want better relationships, begin with the end in mind. That's the advice of Stephen Covey in his 1989 book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Check out the visualization at the start of his description of habit #2 on page 96. If that one doesn't bring up any areas that you want to do better in when it comes to relationships, you're doing great. Keep up the good work.




For the rest of us, this habit of visualizing as clearly as we can exactly how we want things to be in three years, three months, or three days is incredibly powerful.




One way to think of this that has been helpful to me is to imagine sitting down to watch a video tape of myself in a variety of relationship situations after it's over. Who's there? What's happening? What am I saying, doing, thinking, feeling? How does it feel to watch it? Do I want to do some editing? Would I like to erase the whole thing and start over?




This was the basic idea of an obscure, but entertaining and thought provoking movie by Albert Brookes Defending Your Life. In addition to Brookes it stars Meryl Streep and Rip Torn. You'll probably find it shelved with comedies, but don't let that put you off. As Mary Poppins said "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."




If this idea of sitting down and watching the video with an eye to how you'll act right now appeals to you, this movie is definitely worth a look.