Given that being the partner who finds out that they are being cheated on often results in emotions very similar to those experienced in PTSD, getting out of a passive role has the possibility of being very therapeutic . . . again, if you do it right.
Dr. Robert Huizenga discusses confronting the other woman and gets specific about what to do and why in a recent post on one of his sites on the topic of infidelity.
Looking at the questions that the coach asked in this article we can get some ideas about why and how one might go about this.
- What is the purpose for doing it? What do you hope to accomplish? to learn? to understand? to make happen?
- What do you plan to do with what you find out? Are you really looking for new information, or are you seeking to make a case for what you have already decided?
- Are you ready for how you will deal with the possible strong emotions that you are likely to encounter from the other person and within yourself? Playing out as many possible scenarios as you can think of in your head in advance of a stressful situation has been shown to result in a better performance in the actual situation, even if what actually happens is different from anything you had prepared for. (For more on this see Psychocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, MD. It's an old book, but extremely useful and a pleasant read.)
- What support do you have in place to process what you find out?
Should you talk to the woman who has been with your cheating husband? I don't think that anyone can really answer that for you. Certainly doing it impulsively, without a plan and a reason, lowers your chances of having it turn out to be a long term positive.
Getting an overview of infidelity before you move into your own specifics and the actual decision making about whether to confront or not and how you will do it is probably well worth the effort.
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