Putting Off Retirement?

AARP has sent out an article about people deciding that they are not going to retire as soon as they thought and that many who have retired are looking for work. What's the deal and how does it affect relationships?


The "deal" is that lots of us simply don't have enough money to stop working -- or, we feel as though we don't. With the values of housing and the stock market going down and the prices of things the government doesn't count in inflation like food and gasoline going up, our general mood about our prospects isn't so hot for quite understandable reasons. At this point in a financial cycle, it isn't easy to see any silver linings.


On the other hand, I suppose that in many cases it helps relationships in the short run. It is no secret that the first couple of years of not filling most of your waking hours with work can put stresses on relationships. Eventually people seem to find new ways to fit together, but for a while it can be a bit rough.


Of course this represents a real opportunity to do something better and is a great chance for a more conscious relationship; if we'll take up the challenge.


But, what about just working longer? Probably that isn't unlike have the foresight and self-discipline necessary to put aside enough money that we can retire. The negatives are in the short term and the positives are in the long term and most of us respond to what we are experiencing right now.


Can we do better with money? with relationships?


It probably depends on how well we learned to defer gratification or on how we learned to define gratification a long long time ago. Or, maybe we can make some mid-course corrections. Who knows? Is this finally a strong enough reason for us to engage in a regular mindfulness practice ?

Great Movie: Unknown White Male

Saw a great movie. A documentary from Netflix called Unknown White Male.


It is the story of a man who lost his memory at age 30 and how his life proceeds for the next couple of years from there.


There are some incredible demonstrations of just how much we live a story of our lives rather than just living our lives. The parts we are given, the parts we take on in the "play" take over.


What if we were to just lose the script and had to live each day as it came to us?


This movie comes as close to showing what that might be like as without having to experience it ourselves.


Or, if we're really into being present for each moment with what has been described as continued freshness of appreciation, perhaps it would be more accurate to say "able to experience it."


Certainly would pump some new life into our relationships.

What's With CBT?

How can CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, really work? Does that mean just changing the way we talk can change the way we feel? And, if talking changes feeling, can we purposely feel in ways that build better relationships? I have a lot of years under my belt, isn't it too late? Can I really learn new ways to relate?


Well, yes and no. Not exactly no, but rather within ranges. Clearer now?


OK then. Try this example.


There was a study in which volunteers were asked to hold their hands in a bucket of ice water as long as they could. (It hurts.)

• As you might expect, some people did it for longer than others.


• The researchers divided the people into groups and then asked the people what they were thinking as they did it.


• The group that stayed in the ice water longest tended to report saying things like "This isn't so bad." "I can do it a little longer." etc.


• The group that stayed in the ice water the shortest said they were thinking things like "This is awful" "I can't stand it" etc.


• Then the researchers asked the people in the lowest group to say the same kinds of things to themselves that those in the highest group did and, voila, their times in the water went up significantly.


• Those who employed self-talk as a tool to improve their performance because the researchers told them to did not achieve the levels of success as those who used the same technique naturally, but they did do significantly better.


• We can only wonder whether they would have eventually caught up with the top group over time. There's no data on that.


• And, no, to the best of my knowledge they did not ask those in the highest group to change over to negative self-talk to see if it shortened their times in the water.

Is doing things that may not feel natural to us as we relate to others like putting our hands in ice water? Well, you'll have to answer that for yourself. It IS clearly harder for some people than others.


Can consistent application of positive, effective self-talk in the place of negative, destructive self-talk make us better in relationships? Yes, but it depends.


What it depends on is how good we are at identifying what it is in our thinking and talking that isn't working, how good we are at choosing the right alternative thinking and talking to replace it with, and how diligent we are at doing it.


Sound too cumbersome and too difficult? It all depends on what you compare it to. Bad relationships and/or divorce should be pretty hard to beat in the difficult cumbersome department. The choice is ours.


For more on cognitive behavioral approaches to relationships, click here.

The Indiana Jones of Relationship??

That relationships have such incredible potential for good stuff only makes it all the more galling that their incredible potential for going all wrong is in there too. It's a highly charged situation.

It reminds me a lot of an adventure story in which the main character is trying to find his way into the center of ancient temple where all the gold is and he faces one puzzle after another that he must solve to move forward. The genius behind setting up the series of puzzles usually knows full well what the seeker is most likely to do. Therefore, that course of action is almost always the wrong choice. Except when it isn't.

That makes for a cool adventure story. Therefore, finding our way through all the inter- and intrapersonal puzzles of building great relationships must be an adventure too. Funny, I've never thought of it that way before.

In fact, it may go the adventurer one better, because the "secrets" aren't secret at all. The real secrets lie in how to actually carry out the "secret steps" to reach the treasure. And even THAT code has been left lying around in plain sight for centuries, along with some really slick decoys.

High on the list of fakeouts must be our ideas of masculinity, femininity, of what we're entitled to, and of what's "the right way".

As best I can tell at this point, accessing that level of secret requires diligent following of some form of focusing meditative practice. That's because the real secret to unlocking the treasure of relationship is hidden within each of us and each of us has our own best way of finding it. Others can help, but in the end it is to be found on an inward journey through our own particular territory.

There are lots of excellent tools to help in this; which one is right for each of us cannot be determined by someone else. However, the treasure is there and it is worth the trip.

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Do Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, etc. Cause Relationship Problems?

Do erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and whatever else comes along over time cause relationship problems?

NO! Medical treatments for erectile dysfunction do not kill relationships. People kill relationships.

These medications can have a number of results, some obvious and some not so obvious. I've discussed this more here , but just realize that you can't get around talking and listening with your partner with a pill.

When You Don't Know What You're Doing, the Sky's the Limit

Yeah, but what about when you do know what you're doing? . . . . . .
I am not totally sure, but I suspect it includes mediocracy, rigidity, fighting the last war, missing new opportunities, not seeing the writing on the wall. The list goes on and on. It applies to all kinds of endeavors, not the least of which is relationships.

As we age, we change. Yet, how many of us look at our relationships and see what's right here, right now?

It is so easy to not see that "what we've always done" is not working. It can be even easier to see that there are things that we have never done, perhaps even things that "we don't do" that would be just perfect now.

Chairman Mao apparently killed a lot of people in his effort to shake up Chinese culture in this regard and get out of this kind of energetic, creative straitjacket. Lots of pain and suffering resulted. What do you do to re-energize the creative forces of a whole nation? I don't know.

I do know that the best work-around for this inevitable trap that I have come across is in practicing some form of mindfulness as described on my website http://www.better-relationships-over-50.com/ . (When I first wrote that page I thought that it was just a form of meditation, hence the current title of the page, but I have since become aware of the work of Dr. Langer at Harvard who does not describe her version of mindfulness as meditation, but, rather, a kind of noticing, so I will be broadening what I refer to as mindfulness.

Transparency - the new buzzword

Word is out that businesses had better realize that transparency wins in today's marketplace. Trying to fool consumers with hard sells, deceptive offers, and fake blogs will get caught every time. Sooner or later. So you might just as well be honest and let things sort themselves out.

Same goes for relationships. Question is simply how to do it? More on that soon.

Hint: this goes deeper than "good communication."

Impotence - Is the Medical the Easiest Part?

Impotence or erectile dysfunction, depending on how precisely you are defining it, is one tricky affliction.

While the medical world has made huge advances in treating it in the last few years, I can't see that it has gotten any easier in that other realm - -> in between our ears. Who the heck is comfortable talking about not being able to get it up?

Did Bob Dole and the ads on TV at sports events for Viagra, Cialis, etc. make it easier to talk about? Or just strengthen the determination no be be "one of those guys"? I don't know.

I have tried to put it in a perspective that would make it most likely that a reader would be able to do something about it at my website on the pages linked here.

Hope it helps get into gear. Good sex in any form that is good for you is too good to miss out on.

Emotional Intelligence and Relationships

In his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, PhD, says that if you had to boil it down to just one thing that makes marriage work it would have to be emotional intelligence.

And, emotional intelligence roughly defined is simply being aware of what we ourselves are feeling in a given situation, making a reasonably accurate guess about what others in the situation are probably feeling, and taking the two into account before moving forward. (There are whole books on the topic. Forgive me if I narrowed it down too far.)

Notice how much easier this is to do with people about whom you know a great deal, hence the usefulness of things like Michael Webb's 1,000 Questions For Couples which give those of us with a bit of hesitancy enough structure to get into the thing without strangling us.

Erectile Dysfunction and Relationships Over 50

Who wants to have to talk about not being able to get an erection and how that is affecting their relationship? Especially, if no one else is talking about it either and you're quite aware that you're getting older and you figure this is just one more indignity of aging.

TV commercials for the drugs are a start, but in fairness they are to sell the drugs and the degree to which they provide public health education is good, but not their job.

So, what do you do to get the word out about all the ways this thing can mess you up? Some websites have pages on how ED affects relationships and things to do, including mine, but you have to find them.

Now a physician in the UK has collaborated with a playwright to do a play about a couple in which the man is experiencing erectile dysfunction.

Given the sensitivity of most of us on this topic, is seems that this is a great idea for getting more of the facts out.

And, this way I don't have to get heavy or serious. I can just make my wife happy by going to another play about relationships and let whatever sinks in happen.

With some luck ED will be a side issue in an action flick soon and some really cool tough-guy will talk with his partner about it and see his doctor between car chases and killing people. Maybe. Some day. Roosevelt Greer was on Sesame Street afterall.

A Relationship Is A Relationship Is A Relationship

Every so often I hear someone say that they don't have relationship problems because they are in a special kind of relationship from religiously based, to philosophically based, to sexually fetish based. There's something that doesn't seem right about that.

I am glad that these people are happy with their relationships, but I think that they are either selling themselves and their partners short or they are denying the problems that exist. I suspect that there are some in each description.

When two people can successfully stay in a close relationship over an extended period of time and they describe it as a positive one, it seems to me that they must be doing something right even if they don't know what. And, I'm not completely convinced that a little denial is all bad either.

(How much denial is too much? I don't know. Other than the smart aleck response "more than I do", I just don't know.)

Erectile Dysfunction Follies: facts, fictions, & money

Suffering from ED, Time to Test Your Relationship! by Victor Jones

Is erectile dysfunction still coming in between you and your partner? Do you feel depressed and sad when you think about your inability to get an erection? Do you feel incapable and incomplete?

Well, if you could have the above feelings your condition is serious and you are really in need of medical treatment. However, don't panic as this is a common problem, you are not alone, there are many who had suffered or are suffering from it. Erectile dysfunction is not the same in every man. There are some who can not get an erection at all and there are those who get erection but not for long and also those who can get an erection but not strong and hard enough for sexual intercourse. Therefore, to correct any of these above problems you need medical treatment.
But hey, do not feel depressed or lost, it is not an incurable disease, there are medicines which take care of this problem. In fact this is the time when you can actually test the relationship that you share with your partner. Everything and everybody is good in the good times but the real test lies when one has to cross the bad phase. If your partner is actually yours, she would be supportive and would get more closer to you, after all a relationship is not only about sex. What you need to do is discuss your problem with her. Now comm'on you don't have to hesitate, after all she is your best friend, Isn't she?

But yes you will have to have that positive bend of mind.

Firstly, you have to accept that you have a problem, men in general do not accept this fact and when they do it's already too late. So, do not increase your problem by refusing to accept that you suffer from ED.

The second step is to act, take an action to get cured and the first step towards that is to visit a good physician. Medicines like Cialis can help you fulfill the gap that ED has created in your love life and can bring you closer to your partner. But again, remember a cialis prescription is of utmost importance before you actually buy cialis or consume it else you might become a victim of cialis effects.

These days getting cialis online is not only easier but also convenient as you can easily compare prices, get as much information on Erectile dysfunction or the medicine information and also avail discounts if you are lucky. But please do not order cialis until or unless you have shown yourself physically to a doctor.

About the Author

The writer, himself once an ED patient, writes informative articles and pieces on erectile dysfunction, male impotency and its cure via medicines such as Cialis drug. For more information on this medicine, visit the website buy-cialis-online-now.com

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Hmmm! Ads show up in the darnedest places. Well, we all have to eat and I hope that Cialis pays well.

But still I can't help but think, "not so fast Victor."

There are lots of reasons for ED. True, the older we get the more likely it is that the reason is physical, but not always. And, when you look at a list of physical causes you see some lifestyle issues that we would all be healthier if we attended to. Get all the facts before you reach for the pill. And, yes, do talk with a doctor even if you can get the drug online to get those facts straight in your own case.

And as far as relationships go, it's also true that talking with your partner about it is the right thing to do, but it's just such a hard thing to talk about that most of us find doing it incredibly difficult. Just being told that I "should" do something has never been much of a motivator for me. Maybe some help for both partners is in order on this one. Too bad there's no pill for that.