Infidelity Becoming NormalDoes that make it not cheating?

Infidelity is becoming so prevalent that it may be considered the norm, if not now, soon, some researchers say.

In a thought provoking blog post on infidelity, Genevieve Beaulieu-Pelletier, a PhD candidate at the Universite de Montreal’s Department of Psychology and author of a new study, is quoted as saying that

• studies suggest that the chances of a relationship suffering from infidelity are now somewhere between 40% and 76%
• such high numbers have implications for what is considered normal
• infidelity correlates strongly with an avoidant relationship personality style
• avoidant relationship style is most often a result of poor parenting

Whoa! If you care about committed relationship, sounds like you've got one foot on an impending betrayal mess and the other on a banana peel.

Of course, this is a researcher talking and all the caveats about research apply--

• we don't know how strong the observed correlations were (statistically significant and real are often two different things)
• we don't know if the respondents were telling the truth (we do know that males often exaggerate reports of sexual behavior of all sorts to researchers)
• we don't know who the respondents were
• if you've ever taken an abnormal psychology class, you know that defining normal is very difficult (just because "everyone" is doing it doesn't make it right)

It is, however, as noted earlier, food for thought. Is infidelity really cheating if we know going into a relationship that 40 - 76% of people undertaking this venture are going to experience infidelity to that relationship? Or, is it the norm, an expected part of a relationship? That seems to be the gist of the post.

I don't know.

If you bought a toaster that you knew delivered electric shocks to 40 - 76% of people who used it, would you have grounds for a lawsuit if you bought it figuring you would be one of the 24-60% who didn't get shocked? I mean, those other people who got shocked were probably careless, right? And it is a beautiful toaster for a very good price.

Well, that example didn't clear anything up for me. Afterall, when you're in love when have rules, probabilities, or anything else ever mattered? That's just part of the romance stage of relationship development.

For me, I think that our mothers had it right when they told us that just because "everyone" was jumping off a cliff, that didn't make it a good idea. However you frame it, whether you call it cheating or not, infidelity is very painful, destructive behavior.

Retirement Is A New Deal For Relationships

One or both of you is home more now. That's great! Or is it?

Busy people can find lots of good reasons, lots of good ways, to never get around to dealing with things that bother them. Jobs, kids, maintenance. There hasn't been enough time for so long.

And, even though I read somewhere that in a recent poll over 70% of men between the ages of 28 to 40 said they would take a pay cut to have more time with their families, they don't have the time at those ages.

The chickens come home to roost sooner or later.

If it's sooner, somebody just walks out the door. In this age of no-fault divorce, that's pretty simple to do.

If it's later, it rears it's head with retirement or slowing down of one or both partners.

Don't be surprised. Don't be ashamed. It happens. .. . . . A lot.

Be ready. Take it as a new phase of your ongoing relationship cycle and wonder what new experiences lie ahead this time around the circle.

Attraction and Knowledge

How we think we are going to like someone we haven't met yet depends on how much we know about them. The more we know about them, the less likely we are to think that we will like them.

That was a conclusion drawn from a psychological study done using descriptions like the ones you find on social networking sites and dating sites and then asking respondents if they thought they would like the person. So labels like "enjoys the outdoors" or "enjoys quiet times alone" were more likely to get positive response than say "avid deer hunter" or "gets engrossed in caring for his stamp collection".

Makes sense. Good psychological research should make sense. We live the topic everyday afterall.

Also helps understand the romance stage in the cycle of relationships better. Lots to like at that point and little to have to accommodate to, whether it's a new relationship with a man or woman, a new baby, or a boss or employee.

It gets challenging, and really interesting, as all the unique details start to fill in.

Stages In Relationships Over 50

Stages in relationships in third last third or so of our lives? Are you kidding me? The concrete set more than a couple of years ago. We know what the other one is going to say or do on any given topic before they do.

Or, so it might seem at times, but equilibria are made to be upset and "I know what you're going to say" is just waiting to be surprised.

The thing is that many changes start small and slow. Sort of like the first little sprout that comes up out of the dirt when a seed first sprouts.

In the case of relationships, that little new sprout is often a trial balloon of sorts. It's put up there just a little bit to see if anyone notices. When we are finishing each other's sentences and filling in each other's thoughts we may feel close and comfortable, but we are also missing chances to keep new things happening.

Know each other so well that things are boring? Try listening and noticing for a change.