Separation Anyone? Check This Out!

What do you do if your spouse says they want a separation? that they want to move out? that they don't love you any more? that they aren't sure they ever did?

Whew! And you're thinking "I must have missed that chapter when I read the book. What the heck do you do?"

For an interesting and inspiring story of what one woman (and eventually one couple did,) check out this New York Times article on a separation. Note carefully that the well meaning advice of family and friends was NOT what led to the positive outcome!

One thing that is clear is that the author of the article had a solid set of beliefs about relationships, people, and her relationship. Whether on purpose, by osmosis, or just luck, something kept her on an even keel through the storm.

When we are over-50, relationships have their fair share of baggage. This can be stabilizing or de-stabilizing. From this article I get the sense that it is clearly possible to make the time and shared experiences our allies when the relationship "boat" gets tippy.

Alcohol Problems Over 50 are Relationship Problems

Alcohol problems become relationship problems very quickly and aging makes us more likely to have alcohol problems.


Why? Because our body's ability to deal with the alcohol seems to go down with age making the same amount of alcohol have a greater effect as we get older.


The slip toward drinking too much for us, too much for maintaining our relationships, can really sneak up on us. First, it happens slowly so it may not be noticeable for a long time. And, second, there's something about alcohol use that makes it incredibly difficult to see trouble brewing in ourselves.


As we get older, it is not a bad idea to look at some of the screening questions that professionals ask in assessing risk of alcohol problems. You can find some basic ones here.


Also, it's all relative.


An alcohol counselor friend once told me that the simplest screening is just to ask someone how much they drink. I asked him if they wouldn't tell you a lower amount than they really drink. His response surprised me. I thought he'd say that they have some tricky way to ask or some factor they increase the amount by or something. He said, "People with drinking problems rarely think they have drinking problems and therefore they almost always give an accurate account of how much they drink because they don't see it as abnormal."


So, we aren't likely to see alcohol problems in ourselves, but there are tools to help us take a better look.

Senior Dating: older and wiser, or no fool like an old fool?

Sooner or later, more of us than we might have expected will find ourselves face to face with being alone and having to decide whether and/or how to date again.

Lots has changed over the last 30, 20, 10, or even 5 years. Just talk to a 21 year old today and notice how many things they cannot remember being without: instant messaging, cell phones, e-mail, cameras in phones to name just the most obvious. (I mean, truthfully, did you ever expect to have something like Dick Tracy's wristwatch in your lifetime? I didn't.)

And, whether we want to or not, whether we have noticed or not, we have changed too.

Before flatly saying "no" to any form of dating, it will certainly be worth your time to look into what's going on today, talk with friends, search the web, consider the various lists of pitfalls such as the one linked to by clicking here.

It's not something to be automatically avoided or embraced. Lots of people have chosen to go either way and seem to be quite happy with their choice.

The thing is to do what you can to be sure that it is a choice and that the choice is yours.

Coping With Divorce Over 50

Coping with divorce at any age is no bed of roses. Once we're over 50 a new factor may come into our consciousness.

It is a biological clock ticking away. This time it isn't reserved for the ladies and about babies. It is all about us and it's telling us that our time is limited and our options are narrowing.

This is just as it should be in the overall scheme of things, but it can be pretty unnerving on a personal level.

The trick, of course, is to use it as focusing reality. There's lots to do and each of us can use the time we have or just lose it. Divorce at this age is very likely a distraction from important personal business in my present view. Maybe not. Any thoughts?

Strength-building Exercise - How Are You Doing?

The more reading I do to support and add to my website, on relationships over 50, positive aging, etc., the more I cannot get away from the fact that strength building exercise is extremely important as we get older and I'm not doing it and neither are most of my friends.

The stronger and more flexible we are, the more we are likely to move around and do things, and the less likely we are to fall and hurt ourselves. That in itself is convincing to me, but I still don't do it.

How are you doing with regard to exercise? What has made it work?

Are You a Lover?

In his book about sex and relationships in the last third or so of our lives Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld found that there is a lot more sex going on in this age group than our children and grandchildren care to know about. That was good. That was a relief. That makes sense.

But Zilbergeld is a renowned expert on the subject of sex NOT on relationships. And, as it turns out, not that great at doing relationships himself by his own admission. So what did he find there?

He found a lot as it turns out and he describes details of relationships that are great and getting better in site of age, illness, and all that. The key, according to Dr. Zilbergeld is being a "lover". And it sounds great to be a lover. These are the folks who regularly turn lemons into lemonade in their relationships. Great to hear.

What the good doctor does NOT tell us, to my being able to understand and take action at least, is how us admitted non-lovers can make the necessary moves to join the ranks of the lovers. Perhaps that void has to be filled from elsewhere (especially since Bernie Zilbergeld died shortly after finishing the book.)

While there are no panaceas I have been looking at sources like 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships and to my surprise and relief finding some helpful stuff. Give it a look. Maybe you will too.

Stages In Relationships Over 50

Stages in relationships in third last third or so of our lives? Are you kidding me? The concrete set more than a couple of years ago. We know what the other one is going to say or do on any given topic before they do.

Or, so it might seem at times, but equilibria are made to be upset and "I know what you're going to say" is just waiting to be surprised.

The thing is that many changes start small and slow. Sort of like the first little sprout that comes up out of the dirt when a seed first sprouts.

In the case of relationships, that little new sprout is often a trial balloon of sorts. It's put up there just a little bit to see if anyone notices. When we are finishing each other's sentences and filling in each other's thoughts we may feel close and comfortable, but we are also missing chances to keep new things happening.

Know each other so well that things are boring? Try listening and noticing for a change.