Conscious Relationship

Conscious relationship is a term that has been used for some time, but what does it mean and how can us older folks who aren't even sure what it means get value out of it?


For me, relating consciously means that

• I am aware that there are two separate individuals each with their own strengths, weaknesses, needs, and history in the relationship
• I view the relationship not only as a way to meet my own needs, but also to learn more about myself and to move closer to my ideals of how I would like to behave towards myself and others
• I value relating as something that I experience in and of itself

• I see the other person as a potential mirror for my own foibles and challenges and I for theirs.

Hopefully, the result of all of this is that by being conscious of myself in the relationship I can put more into it, get more out of it, and be more the kind of person that I aspire to be.

Tall order? Well, yes, I guess so, but what else are we to do? The conventional wisdom seems to only go so far. Some people do just fine with it, but lots of us don't.

Here's a chance to put it all into a perspective with lots of hope.

You can find a more complete (and hopefully clearer) discussion of conscious relationships at my website, www.better-relationships-over-50.com

Is Heterosexuality AnUnsolvable Relationship Problem?

I received to following piece by e-mail today. It was intended to be funny and it is until you think about it for more than about 10 seconds.



Diary for Two


HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation was not flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he did not say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he was not upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I cannot explain his behavior. I do not know why he did not say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.

However, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I do not know what to do.

I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

Senior Friends With Benefits?

Is the concept of friends with benefits something that is workable for older folks? It would seem as though being retired with children out and on their own would be a perfect situation to enjoy sex without all the deep entanglements. Hence, "friends with benefits".


But is this so for everyone? for some? for anyone?


Given the responses given on the study of elderly sexual behavior published in the New England Journal of Medicine, August 2007, it doesn't seem to me that casual sex is likely to be for very many people in the over 50 set.


Why do I say that? Well, mostly based on the consistent broadening of just what the term "sex" covers to include more cuddling and quiet time together sometimes in addition to and also instead of coitus.


DISCLAIMER: I do have an ax to grind here and that is the belief that sex and everything else is better within the context of a rewarding relationship.


What do you think?

Projection In RelationshipsA Dangerous Concept?

The term projection describes a psychological defense mechanism in which we unconsciously ascribe our own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts onto someone else thereby defending ourselves from the bad feelings associated with thinking such things. And, we usually don't realize that we are doing it. Wikipedia talks about it here.


In the emotional hotbed of relationship we are often faced with our own harboring of difficult or even downright scary thoughts toward our partners. Give and take can be harder than it sounds in theory.


So when we are projecting, we believe that the negative intentions, conclusions, feelings are coming toward us from the other person.


This can lead to a double whammy in which we figure that we know what they are really thinking so we respond to that in an effort to defend ourselves as if we knew. At this this point things become so tangled up that no one can figure out what is really going on.


The danger in knowing about the concept of projection is that we will use it as a weapon creating great harm. Telling someone else that they must be projecting since we feel or think nothing that could lead to the way they are acting is deadly for a couple of reasons.

• If indeed they are projecting, they don't know it and telling them they are will only cause more anxiety and defense.


• Whatever they may be doing, we don't know whether we are projecting or not either.

I can hear Oliver Hardy telling Laurel "A fine kettle of fish you've gotten us into Stanley."


There is a way out of this mess. I'll tell you what I think it is later.

Are We Just Getting Tired In Our Relationships?

Sometimes I wonder if many relationship problems that come along with getting older aren't an outgrowth of just getting weary.


I vividly remember watching a friend wrestle for the state championship. In the last 30 seconds of the last round it was tied and he and the other wrestler went round and round and round and finally Danny just stopped going around. The other guy won.


Later I asked him if he just got tired of the whole thing and he said "yeah".


I suspect that one of the risks of getting older is that we may just decide that we've been around this this circle enough and the heck with it. I know that I find myself getting more tempted all the time.




I think it's a big mistake. After all, it aint over til its over, so we better play on.

Racetrack Breathing for Relationship Bliss?!

No, racetrack breathing isn't what you do to not have a panic attack while the horse you put all your money on is straggling along in last place. It's something even I can do when things get tangled up.

It is something that I came across while I was trying to apply some mindfulness attention technique to a stressful relationship situation.

The notion that our partners will do exactly whatever we need to work through our own hang-ups is very useful, in principle. It is very useful,. . . if you can do it. It is very useful, . . . if you can stop saying "but,. . . but,. . . but . . . this is different."

There I was trying to keep my attention on the energy ricochetting around in my chest, when I found myself watching my breathing go round and round, throught the big ball of whatever in my chest. I noticed it was going in the shape of a racetrack with the turns at the top and bottom of the breath.

I figured it couldn't hurt to just keep doing it and see what happened. Eventually, things started to change, finally slowing down, softening up, and letting me see my part in the whole brouhaha. And it WAS mine. No doubt about about it.

I don't know. Maybe I'm onto something here. I'll keep you posted.

Now I'm just trying to figure out if and how it can fit into the discussion of conscious relationships over 50 at my website.

I've always been the guy who after the sermon, or the pep talk, or after reading the book, . . . is standing outside the room asking, "But what do I actually DO?" This one even I could figure out. I hope it keeps working.

Better not get too excited yet. It's just a lucky fluke right now.

The "Just Don't Fight" Trap

Along the road to a truly conscious relationship somewhere awaits the "no response trap." Fights and arguments are truly no fun for most of us. And, at some point the bright idea pops up to just not respond to what feels like an attack. It does take two to fight, doesn't it? So if I don't respond, there can't be a fight. (I have read that it is usually a guy who tries this solution.)

The problem is that the choice to not respond involves a decision and an action. It may start with good intention, but it comes across as stonewalling, avoiding, floating above the fray. And it can ultimately do more harm than good.

So after the insight that fighting goes nowhere, that it takes two to fight, that you don't want to make it worse, and now the further awareness that just shutting up is not going to do it either, what to do?

In its best manifestation, this is where a conscious relationship comes in. Making it work may take longer than fighting or just going mute, but the results last and they feel better.