Are Senior Relationships Mostly Chickens Coming Home To Roost?

Are most senior relationships either monuments to "settling" or just plain awful . . . or is it just the crowd I am aware of? Or, . . . . do we just not care as much about anything as we get older? As a group are we a stable boring bunch or cynical cheaters, adulterers, backroom porn customers, lonely drinkers . . . . or is there something better somewhere else that everyone knows about that I missed when I last looked around?

I certainly do not claim to know the answers to this, but I do know that people look at me kind of funny when I say that I prefer to do things with my wife, that I don't have side conversations about which I don't tell her, that we are as involved in all aspects of our lives as we were when we first met.

Over a quarter century ago now a favorite aunt was waxing eloquent one evening about how one settles into a relationship in such a way that sex and love are assumed and don't need to be affirmed all the time. To which her husband, arguably as perfect a gentleman as I have ever met, spoke up saying "If that is your idea of marriage then I say that your idea of marriage is a crock of shit." That really got my attention especially since I had never heard him talk that way.

I recounted the story to another aunt who smiled and said "Yes. He is and always has been a genuine romantic." I already knew that she and her husband were real romantics too. They both assured me that they had their share of arguments and didn't agree on everything, that they just did it behind closed doors, but I never saw a hint of that. Just genuine affection and mutual respect. If they said they kept that even when they were angry with each other, I believed it. I still do.

I chose to pursue the latter. Truthfully it has been quite a challenge, but not one I intend to back away from. And that's where it stands now.

Love In The Time of Alzheimer's

NPR had a show this morning responding to the news report of Sandra Day O'Connor's husband having a relationship with a fellow patient in an Alzheimer's facility and her acceptance of that. The experts filled us in on the brain, aging, dementia and facilities and caregivers are doing. Pretty eye opening stuff.

They were talking about how the person with dementia may remember nothing of his or her past, including spouses and children, but be quite capable of forming and enjoying intimate relationships in their present situation. The parts of the brain that handle love aren't the same as the ones for memory. Hmmm. They say that these people live quite fully in the present moment.

Living in the present moment is a goal of many people and credited with bringing great clarity and peace to those who achieve it. Does it follow that if I meditate long enough and gain present moment awareness, I may forget my spouse and children and enter into whatever relationship brings me joy in the present? Or is that reserved for dementia? Is it black and white? Or, is there a gray zone?

Just wondering.

A Change of Heart - Save Your Relationship

Ever been in the middle of something and wondered to yourself, 'What am I doing here?'


Relationships can stand a good dose of that every now and then too. What the heck am I doing?


A friend told of hustling around one night putting her kids to bed, brushing teeth, putting laundry in hampers, hurrying the laggards and the pillow fighters, when her youngest asked, "Mommie, did you forget that you love us?"


How many times have I forgotten that I love you? (Don't count. Just remember.) Let a change of heart lead the way to getting more of what you want.

Managing Conflict: I'm Rich! I'm Poor!

Managing relationship conflict seems to have some of the characteristics of managing ones emotions in business situations.

Some years ago in a course on how to trade commodities futures contracts the presenter described trading highly leveraged commodities as a roller coaster ride of emotions - "I'm Rich, I'm Poor". The problem, she noted, is that good, clear thinking is pretty hard to do both when we're elated and when we're bummed out. And, that is exactly what's between the theoretical returns of a trading system and what most people get out of it.

At least in the world I see around me, there seems to be a similar "I'm loved/loveable : I'm unappreciated/I'm unlovable" roller coaster ride going on in intimate relationships with similar results. (And it is commonly estimated that 90% of commodities traders lose money.)

Some traders remember their system and follow it almost all the time. I suspect it's the same for lovers. Have you found anything particularly helpful in smoothing out the emotional roller coaster for better living and loving? You'll find some here.