More Sex Improves Marriages

More sex more of the time is a great thing for a marriage. At least it was for two couples who had been married for a number of years, who did it as an experiment, and wrote books about it.

Sounds like something that those of us in the over-50 set might give some though to. It is simply too easy as the years pass to add habit upon habit, assumption upon assumption, until we look in the mirror and wonder how we became who we appear to be now. When you think about the stages of relationships, you can see that while most of us find some comfortable level at which to settle, it is always possible to set the movement back in motion with some change.

Often this is one that happens to us. We have no choice. It is exciting to see someone who has made a choice and reaped rewards.

Their books are: Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Doug Brown and 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe.

In an excellent recent article, WEB MD looks into just how more sex improves marriages.

Well, they quoted the authors of the books about how it had affected their lives and they talked to some experts about what might have been going on. Which is cool.

Just because it isn't the outcome of a study including 10,000 couples doesn't make it any less potentially valuable for you and me. I mean, what if 98% of couples got nothing out of it and I and you and I are in the 2%? Do we care?

I do wonder about how the general tendencies of male psychology and female psychology relative to sex.

As usual for me, I just don't know. On the surface of it I find myself thinking "great! let's go." When I stop for about 10 seconds I realize that there are a lot of things that I would have to do to really make that happen and I wonder how I would really deal with them. It is very unlikely that life just goes on as ever and you add in more sex.

Senior Relationships' Self-Talk

One of the really dangerous things about senior relationships is that we have such a storehouse of self-talk that we've developed over the years that our automatic cognitive/emotional central computer figures that it knows what just about everything means.


Notice that I said that our automatic processing figures it knows. It does have a lot of data from which to make educated guessed. Maybe they are even very educated guesses, but they are still just guesses.


Anything that we can do to stay where we are right now and not get ahead into what we remember about what happened before in a situation just like this one, or what we remember someone told us about a situation just like this one, or what we are sure is going to happen next, is a great accomplishment.


In other words, to get the good stuff, we have to be present.


This was portrayed incredibly in the movie Rainman when Charlie Babbit, one of the two main characters, is being read his wealthy father's will in which he learns that he has been left his father's prize rose bushes and a car with the remainder of the estate going to an unnamed third party. After reading it, the lawyer asks if Charlie has any questions to which Charlie replies that he missed the whole thing and needs it read over. His mind went to the rose bushes, the car, the 3 million dollars that someone else was going to get, what all this meant and completely left where he was.


It was so clear what was happening in that scene. Alas, it is almost never so clear in intimate relationships. We're always hearing things that weren't said, missing things that were said, and "knowing" what it all means and what we "should" do based on automatic retrievals and processing that is going on all the time and that in many cases has very little to do with what is right in front of us.


What to do? Well,. . .

• it helps a lot just to realize that this is something that the human mind, the human organism tends to do


• it is possible to change it by just noticing when it is happening


• using listening skills can make a difference


• and, . . . regular mindfulness practice can make us better and better at it

"Be here now" just about sums it up. There is lots of good stuff that we miss when we let ourselves go on autopilot; especially as we get older and our autopilot gets more and more data in its memory banks.

Erectile Dysfunction, ED and Relationships

Getting beyond platitudes and generally good, but relatively unusable, advice about how to cope with erectile dysfunction in an ongoing relationship is difficult. If I hear myself or someone else say something about communication being vital, I may just throw up.


Of course, if your aren't in an ongoing relationship but would like to be and you can't get it up, you're really out there on your own. At least you don't have to hear about how important good communication is or get helpful advice from a partner.


Not that that isn't true that good communication is vital. It is, but that knowledge and $2 will get you a cup of coffee that tastes like they forgot to clean the coffee maker, which is probably true too.


Communication is basically just a pipe. You can run good things through it. You can run bad things through it. Things that help. Things that hurt.


They say that you can't use a map to get where you want to go until you know where you are. You can't use communication to get where you want to go until you know where you are too. And if you aren't really sure where it is you want to go in more than broad terms, the trip can get really interesting, . . . or overwhelming.


Maybe coming at it in a non-threatening, low pressure way. How about word association? Or maybe description of inkblots? Maybe a set of cards with cartoon situations on them where each person talks about what's going on, like in the old Stanford Binet IQ test, "put these cards in order." Just some ideas to do something different.


Can a female partner really understand just how incredibly confusing and upsetting erectile dysfunction is? I suppose so. I hope so. Depends on how committed and patient and curious she as she talks and listens.


On the other hand, I can't help but feel that if you haven't had one of these live things with a mind of its own in your pants for forty, fifty, sixty years, it seems unlikely that you'll be able to really understand the effects of it suddenly just lying there. (I know, I know, that kind of statement goes both ways. And that's true, but the subject is ED here.)


Guys have been getting erections since they were in the womb. Everyone manages that in different ways and it is not without its ambivalences, but when it goes it is a major loss.


I think one factor is that guys often are told that they need to communicate better with their partners, but don't really get into it.


As long as we have a hard part of us that is looking for something to be pushed into, communication may stay marginal from our point of view. But, lose that and now the only way anything is going to happen is with good communication, give and take, using a more feminine approach if you will, and we're in a whole new ball game. Very likely a ballgame that we never would have chosen, don't know how to play, and one that we're very tempted to sit out.


So, what to do? How to learn a new game that we don't even want to admit we have to play?


Or, do I have this all wrong? Really. What do you think?

Senior Sex Senior STDs

Senior sex didn't become risk free when pregnancy was no longer an issue. Remember the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).


According to the Centers for Disease Control, older people are at increasing risk for HIV/AIDS and other STDs. A growing number of older people now have HIV/AIDS. About 19 percent of all people with HIV/AIDS in this country are age 50 and older. Because older people don't get tested for HIV/AIDS on a regular basis, there may be even more cases than currently known.

Many factors contribute to the increasing risk of infection in older people.

• In general, older Americans know less about HIV/AIDS and STDs than younger age groups because the elderly have been neglected by those responsible for education and prevention messages.


• In addition, older people are less likely than younger people to talk about their sex lives or drug use with their doctors, and doctors don't tend to ask their older patients about sex or drug use.


• Finally, older people often mistake the symptoms of HIV/AIDS for the aches and pains of normal aging, so they are less likely to get tested.

You can find links to more information here.

Sex After Prostate Surgery

It looks to me as though the standard advice about sex after prostate surgery is that you have to talk about it with your partner. I think that I've said that myself so I really can't argue with it nor do I want to, but I do think that it is more than a bit simplistic.


Without knowing the exact numbers, it seems safe to guess that the majority of men who have prostate surgery are over 50. If this is true, then it means that those of us who have undergone this surgery have a pretty well developed set of patterns, habits, and beliefs related to how we participate in and enjoy sex. If you want to read that as being in a rut, feel free.


After prostate surgery, if there is any change in ability to attain and/or maintain an erection, the whole balance of the experience is thrown off. Relationships within our minds, emotions, and bodies that have been setting up going all the way back to solitary sexual explorations of youth are going to be disrupted.


Now, back to the comment about being in a rut. While it can be that changes can open our eyes and our hearts to things that we would have missed otherwise, it doesn't necessarily come easy. We're talking about old friends here. Habits and sensations that have been with us for much of our lives.


There's likely to be a process of letting go of the old ways that no longer work, mourning if you prefer, before the new can be embraced. And this calls for some consciousness and acceptance within onesself to go along with talking with a partner.


If you have some mindfulness practice in place this can be a lot easier. If you don't and are finding accepting what is and moving forward a challenge, then it may be a great time to adopt one.

Mindfulness Practice For Seniors: . . . . . . A Skeleton Key? ..................or A Waste Of Time?

Mindfulness practice of one kind or another probably offers more help in difficult and changing times than anything else someone could suggest. Why?


Mindfulness practice is totally generic and at the same time it is totally personal.

• The only belief that it starts with is that the answer to whatever we're asking is there to be found, if we'll only stop talking and stop thinking long enough to allow it to be observed.


• Whatever we observe, experience, come to, will necessarily come through us in the right form and way for us.

Next time someone tries to tell you that they know exactly what you should do in your relationships, in your sex life, in your thoughts, they may be telling you exactly the right thing, . . . . but that will probably be for them.


Mindfulness practice is the generic tool that returns the specific solution.

He/She Would Never Do That

Why would he/she never do that? Why would I never do something? talk about something? consider something?

My own personal list is pretty long, and pretty mundane

• it will make me look bad


• I won't be able to do it well and I will look bad


• it will embarrass me


• it will bring up strong feelings that I won't be able to handle


• I will really like it and my partner will be disgusted


• it will hurt


• it is stupid


• it is immoral, illegal, bad, bad, bad


• etc.

So, . . . . what does this tell me? Not sure really. I guess that there are plenty of "reasons" to do or not do something and most of them are worthy of discussion and consideration. Especially between two people who care about each other.


www.better-relationships-over-50.com

No Sex Anymore?

What happens when older couples just sort of sign out of sex? Do they talk it over? Does it just happen? Do they both want to give it up? If it's just one, does he/she want to other to continue to engage in it somehow?


I don't know. So much of that is private; until it tumbles out by accident. Then you hear "oh, he'd never do that" or "my wife would never do that." She's usually talking about his talking about something or going to counseling or learning something sensual. He's usually talking about some form of non-vanilla or kinky sex.


It's hard not to wonder what the real story is. How do we get so far into our stories that we know what our partners wouldn't do?


Years ago I was talking with a couple of friends and the woman was complaining that the man ran everything and she was sick of it. I asked if they'd ever thought of taking a weekend or a week and having her run everything. He sat up in his chair and said 'I'd do that' and just a quickly she looked at me and said no. He shut up and so did I. What was he thinking? What was she thinking? What was I thinking?


I only have an inkling of what I was thinking and even that I don't remember that well. I just thought that doing something different might be fun. What he hoped would happen if she took charge remains his secret as does whatever image she had that made her say no so fast.

Senior Sex & Relationships on Squidoo.com

Ever wanted to have a webpage, but the knowledge, the hassle, the expense were just too much?

Check out www.squidoo.com, which you can do and see the lens that I have set up there at the same time by CLICKING HERE.

Senior Dating: older and wiser, or no fool like an old fool?

Sooner or later, more of us than we might have expected will find ourselves face to face with being alone and having to decide whether and/or how to date again.

Lots has changed over the last 30, 20, 10, or even 5 years. Just talk to a 21 year old today and notice how many things they cannot remember being without: instant messaging, cell phones, e-mail, cameras in phones to name just the most obvious. (I mean, truthfully, did you ever expect to have something like Dick Tracy's wristwatch in your lifetime? I didn't.)

And, whether we want to or not, whether we have noticed or not, we have changed too.

Before flatly saying "no" to any form of dating, it will certainly be worth your time to look into what's going on today, talk with friends, search the web, consider the various lists of pitfalls such as the one linked to by clicking here.

It's not something to be automatically avoided or embraced. Lots of people have chosen to go either way and seem to be quite happy with their choice.

The thing is to do what you can to be sure that it is a choice and that the choice is yours.

What's a Senior?

One of the first things that Bernie Zilbergeld ran into when he set out to study senior sex and relationships was that he didn't know what to call the age group he was researching. Seniors, elderly, golden-agers all fell flat with both Dr. Zilbergeld and the people he talked with.

He finally settled on calling us "matures". Hasn't caught on yet. Probably never will.

The question is whether we actually need a particularly peppy name or not. Given that children and grandchildren have a tendency to become apoplectic at the very thought of old people in general, and their old people particularly, engaging in sex beyond the bare necessities to have brought them to this earth, it's probably just as well to stay out of the public eye.

As long as we don't get freaked out over their freak out, things should be just fine.

"Better Than Ever"Do You Believe It?

Do you believe it when Bernie Zilbergeld titles his book Better Than Ever:Love and Sex in Midlife? I mean, do you believe that as Zilbergeld says, sex at any age is still sex? and that sex is good at any age? and that people of all ages continue to enjoy it?

Or, are you getting buffaloed by the media images of sex? children's and grandchildren's discomfort with the whole idea? fears of more losses if you let yourself get into it?

Bernie Zilbergeld is a real expert and an engaging writer. This book is very encouraging.

There's a review of Better Than Ever here. Take a look to see if it looks like it's worth a read. The book is a favorite of mine, so don't expect the review to try to talk you out of it.

Love In The Time of Alzheimer's

NPR had a show this morning responding to the news report of Sandra Day O'Connor's husband having a relationship with a fellow patient in an Alzheimer's facility and her acceptance of that. The experts filled us in on the brain, aging, dementia and facilities and caregivers are doing. Pretty eye opening stuff.

They were talking about how the person with dementia may remember nothing of his or her past, including spouses and children, but be quite capable of forming and enjoying intimate relationships in their present situation. The parts of the brain that handle love aren't the same as the ones for memory. Hmmm. They say that these people live quite fully in the present moment.

Living in the present moment is a goal of many people and credited with bringing great clarity and peace to those who achieve it. Does it follow that if I meditate long enough and gain present moment awareness, I may forget my spouse and children and enter into whatever relationship brings me joy in the present? Or is that reserved for dementia? Is it black and white? Or, is there a gray zone?

Just wondering.

Senior Sex - What? Get creative? Now?

Aging seems to have a bottomless bag of tricks sometimes.

One thing is for sure, things just keep changing. And that's kind of rough since most of us are so relieved to find something that works for us that we want to do it over and over and free up some attention for other things.

Well, even if our minds want to do it that way, when it comes to sex, our bodies are not going to let it happen. I guess we'd better get used to it.

Got a list of things that you'd never do? I am starting to suspect that if we try to keep that too tight, the older we get, the higher the odds become that sex itself will become one of the things that we never do.

Doesn't have to be that way. God, give me strength to let go and enjoy what I've got.

Are You a Lover?

In his book about sex and relationships in the last third or so of our lives Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld found that there is a lot more sex going on in this age group than our children and grandchildren care to know about. That was good. That was a relief. That makes sense.

But Zilbergeld is a renowned expert on the subject of sex NOT on relationships. And, as it turns out, not that great at doing relationships himself by his own admission. So what did he find there?

He found a lot as it turns out and he describes details of relationships that are great and getting better in site of age, illness, and all that. The key, according to Dr. Zilbergeld is being a "lover". And it sounds great to be a lover. These are the folks who regularly turn lemons into lemonade in their relationships. Great to hear.

What the good doctor does NOT tell us, to my being able to understand and take action at least, is how us admitted non-lovers can make the necessary moves to join the ranks of the lovers. Perhaps that void has to be filled from elsewhere (especially since Bernie Zilbergeld died shortly after finishing the book.)

While there are no panaceas I have been looking at sources like 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships and to my surprise and relief finding some helpful stuff. Give it a look. Maybe you will too.

Senior Sex Study Report

American Seniors’ Intimacy And Sexual Health Studied
August 26, 2007 at 10:16 am · Filed under Medical News, Seniors / Aging


The first comprehensive, nationally representative survey on the prevalence of sexual activity among older Americans provides a portrait of the intimate lives of people ages 57 to 85.

A majority of older Americans are sexually active and view intimacy as an important part of life, despite a high rate of “bothersome” sexual problems, according to a new report in The New England Journal of Medicine. The findings come from the National Social Life, Health and Aging Project, research supported by the National Institutes of Health (NIH). The findings shed new light on the intimate social relationships and health of people ages 57 to 85, informing health care providers and patients about sexual norms in the older U.S. population.

The project is the first comprehensive, nationally representative survey to assess the prevalence of sexual activity, behaviors and problems in relation to health status among people in their late 50s and beyond. The study provides information about a number of important aspects of health and sexuality with age, including sexual problems in relation to specific chronic health conditions such as arthritis, diabetes and hypertension; relationships between physical health problems or limitations generally and sexual activity; and physician communication about sexuality at older ages. Physical health, the researchers found, was more strongly associated with many sexual problems than age alone.

The study has implications for health education efforts to prevent sexually transmitted disease in older people. Although data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests stability in HIV diagnoses among Americans aged 50 and older, the number of older people diagnosed with AIDS and living with HIV is increasing, as individuals who were infected with HIV at younger ages are living longer before progressing to AIDS. However, sexual activity among older adults poses risks for new cases of HIV, as approximately 15 percent of newly diagnosed HIV infections are among Americans over age 50.


Led by Stacy Tessler Lindau, M.D., who conducted the study with Linda Waite, Ph.D., and others at the University of Chicago, the research was funded primarily by the National Institute on Aging (NIA), a component of NIH. Additional funding came from NIH’s Office of Research on Women’s Health, Office of AIDS Research and Office of Behavioral and Social Sciences Research and from private-sector sources. Data collection was supported by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Georgeanne E. Patmios of NIA’s Behavioral and Social Research Program is program officer for the project.


“Despite the aging of the population, little had been known about the intimate lives of older adults,” said NIA Director Richard J. Hodes, M.D. “This study expands our knowledge by reporting, on a national scale, data about sexual functioning and health among older adults.”
Dr. Lindau expects the study to help open a dialogue between older patients and their doctors as older Americans were very receptive to the survey and its questions. This openness suggests that, when asked, many older people want to talk about this part of their lives. “We found, despite the high prevalence of problems, that most older adults have never discussed sex with a physician. From a medical and a public health perspective, we have an opportunity and an obligation to do better patient education and counseling about health-related and potentially preventable and treatable sexual problems,” Dr. Lindau said.

The researchers gathered information from a nationally representative sample of 3,005 men and women ages 57 to 85 years, asking about each person’s marital or other relationship status, frequency and types of sexual activity during the past 12 months, physical health, and communication with a physician about sex. They also queried sexually active respondents about the presence of sexual problems.

“This study breaks new ground in social and behavioral research,” said Richard Suzman, Ph.D., director of NIA’s Behavioral and Social Research Program. “Its portrait of this aspect of older Americans’ lives suggests a previously uncharacterized vitality and interest in sexuality that carries well into advanced age, which perhaps has not been appreciated as an important part of late life.”


The study found that many older adults are sexually active, but about half of the men and women surveyed reported at least one sexual problem and about a third report at least two problems. Specifically:

* In general, older adults are sexually active. A large portion of respondents said they were sexually active in the preceding 12 months, but the percentage declined with age — from 73 percent of those age 57 to 64, to 53 percent of those age 65 to 74, to 26 percent of those age 75 to 85. Older women, however, were significantly less likely to report sexual activity than older men and less likely to be in intimate relationships, due in part to women’s status as widows and the earlier mortality, on average, of men.

* Healthier people are more likely to report being sexually active. Eighty-one percent of men and 51 percent of women reporting excellent or very good health said they had been sexually active in the past 12 months. Of those in fair or poor health, a considerably lower percentage (47 percent of men and 26 percent of women) reported activity in the previous year. Diabetes and hypertension were strongly associated with some sexual concerns.

* About half of sexually active older adults report at least one “bothersome” sexual problem. Thirty-seven percent of sexually active men said they had erectile difficulties. Women most often reported low desire (43 percent), difficulty with vaginal lubrication (39 percent), and inability to climax (34 percent).

* Most older adults have not discussed sex with their doctors. Despite the high prevalence of sexual problems, only 38 percent of men and 22 percent of women said they had discussed sex with a physician since age 50.

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Great information. Thanks to the NIH and the New England Journal of Medicine for getting the word out. You can't get much more mainstream, prestigous than that.

That part about not talking to our doctors about sex certainly jumped out at me.

Sexual matters usually feel pretty personal and private. When the doctor comes flying into that little, windowless, flourescent lighted room, fully dressed while I am waiting there, undressed, the last thing I am feeling is personal, safe, and private.

It is a problem and I think the medical profession ought to give some serious thought to what they can do to make it feel safer to talk about sexual issues that fall within their area of expertise.

Yes Dr. Lindau, "better patient education and counseling" would be nice. But, if the physicians that I have seen lately are in any way representative, perhaps you had better start with better physician education and counseling on engendering trust and openness in older patients.