Sex Problems Over 50

Are couples' sex problems better/worse or different over 50? Or, are they the same, but life changes just make them seem different.


A psychologist friend has often told me about a study she read 20 or 30 years ago ( she doesn't remember and can't find it now ) in which women were asked what they preferred to do with men and what they preferred to do with women. Heterosexual women were pretty consistent in saying that sex was the ONLY thing that they preferred to do with men. Everything else they'd rather do with female friends.


Oh man! That explains a lot. I guess. If it's right. If they didn't ask lousy questions.


There's so much more to sex than sex. If you don't believe that, just ask a guy who's had his prostate removed and they couldn't save all or most of the nerves. You still have feeling in your penis, you just can't shove it into any available orifice. All of a sudden everything else about sex besides friction becomes the deciding factor in how it all works out.


At least that's how it has seemed to me. And, I have been embarrassed, surprised, ashamed, confused, ( you name it ) about what a klutz I have always been on all that important stuff. Took cancer to figure out how much of a problem I had/have. Probably wouldn't have admitted it otherwise.


If you've ever looked at my website www.Better-Relationships-Over-50.com you already know that I've been reading, thinking, meditating, talking with people on this topic for a long time. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I'm working on it.

No Sex Anymore?

What happens when older couples just sort of sign out of sex? Do they talk it over? Does it just happen? Do they both want to give it up? If it's just one, does he/she want to other to continue to engage in it somehow?


I don't know. So much of that is private; until it tumbles out by accident. Then you hear "oh, he'd never do that" or "my wife would never do that." She's usually talking about his talking about something or going to counseling or learning something sensual. He's usually talking about some form of non-vanilla or kinky sex.


It's hard not to wonder what the real story is. How do we get so far into our stories that we know what our partners wouldn't do?


Years ago I was talking with a couple of friends and the woman was complaining that the man ran everything and she was sick of it. I asked if they'd ever thought of taking a weekend or a week and having her run everything. He sat up in his chair and said 'I'd do that' and just a quickly she looked at me and said no. He shut up and so did I. What was he thinking? What was she thinking? What was I thinking?


I only have an inkling of what I was thinking and even that I don't remember that well. I just thought that doing something different might be fun. What he hoped would happen if she took charge remains his secret as does whatever image she had that made her say no so fast.

Talking to Doctors About Senior Sex

In the study of sex in people over 57 years old that was published in the New England Journal of Medicine last August, one of the findings was that only 38% of people in the sample had ever talked with a doctor about sex. (When I mentioned that to a doctor, he replied that his guess, at least here in Massachusetts, would have been half that.)

Which is kind of funny, because as we get older the "machinery" changes. We can't just take things for granted anymore and sometimes the convergence of blood flow, lubrication, and psychological excitement just doesn't all come together at the right time. But there is help with many if not most of these kinds of things and there is more knowledge and more possible intervention all the time.

Not only that, erectile dysfunction can be an early warning of impending heart and circulation problems, even earlier than more traditional measures.

There are lots of good reasons to let the doctor know what you are experiencing, wondering, fearing as you get older.

Also, many drugs have loss of libido as a side effect. Don't let the doctor assume that because you are older, you don't care about sex anymore and it won't matter how your sex life is affected, just get the blood pressure down or whatever. And that includes solo sex too.

Look, if some young physician is shocked that people want and enjoy sex throughout their lives it's time someone break it to them. You'll be doing them a favor.

He Says/She Says . . .About Why No Sex

From surveying 4,000 people, Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz came up with the following perceived reasons women gave for why they think their husbands had stopped having sex with them.


Top 10 Reasons Women Think Their Husbands Stop Having Sex

I don't know why.

He's depressed.

He's angry at me.

He's too tired.

He no longer finds me physically attractive.

He suffers from erectile dysfunction.

I'm depressed.

He's bored.

I have gained a significant amount of weight.

He prefers to watch pornography online.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Now let's see what the husbands had to say about this.



Top 10 Reasons Why Men Say They Stop Having Sex


She isn't sexually adventurous enough.

She doesn't seem to enjoy sex.

I'm angry at her.

I'm interested in sex with others, but not with her.

I'm bored.

She's depressed.

She has gained a significant amount of weight.

I'm depressed.

I know longer find her physically attractive.

10. I suffer from erectile dysfunction.





These responses came from "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex. And What You Can Do About It," By Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, M.A. (Harper Collins/William Morrow, December, 2007) Based on an online survey of over 4,000 people.

You can check out Bob and Susan's website at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com